Chasing Him (Dark Love 4)
Penny and I sit on the wicker chairs as we both stare into the valley. It’s a beautiful day, only a few scattered clouds in the sky. Hazel’s house is located a fair distance away from the city, enough that the hazy smog has disappeared, and only beautiful nature surrounds you.
“There’s something about this place that calms me, you know? I don’t know what it is, but just when I think my life isn’t worth living, this place reminds me how fortunate I am,” Penny says wistfully.
I sigh dreamily. “Maybe it is not the place, it’s the people.”
She nods. “Honey child, you wanna talk about it?”
Penny is easy to talk to, non-judgmental and wise. She has led a rough life, one that has beaten her down in unthinkable ways, but if you know her, you’ll know she is made of steel.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living a double life. Actually, a triple life. Being a single mother is a lot. I mean, I’m so lucky to have my family and friends who help me out so much.”
“Anytime you need us, we’re here.”
“I know.” I pat Penny’s arm. “And then there’s Lex and Charlie. I love my brother. He has always had my back, sacrificed so much for me. And this is how I’m repaying him?”
“You can’t always control who you love. God knows I can’t.”
“I feel guilty all the time, and the only time it subsides is when I’m intimate with Julian, and my body is possessed.”
“Have you told him this?”
I shake my head. “It will come across all wrong. I can’t think straight when I’m with him. He does things to me, Penny, things I’ve never experienced befo
re, and it scares me.”
“But in a good way?” she asks.
“In a great way.”
“So, don’t fight it. You’ve got a man who makes your toes curl to the point you can’t function without him. God only knows you deserve someone like him.”
“But I feel so guilty that… oh, never mind.” I can’t even be honest with myself, let alone with Penny.
Andy comes barreling out of the house pulling Julian along with him. Tugging on my arm, he begs for my attention. “Mama! Blaze’s daddy wants to go visit the pond. Please, can we go?”
“Julian can take you, and I’ll meet you down there.”
Julian happily agrees and follows Andy. I watch them walk away, Julian holding Andy’s hand as they make their way down the hill toward the small pond. Blaze and Ash are excited to be in each other’s company, chasing their tails in endless circles.
Penny poses a question. “What do you want, girl? You want a father for Andy?”
“He has one, Penny. He just isn’t here. I want Julian.”
“So, have him. He adores you. You gotta see that.”
“But look at him. He can have any woman he wants, why me?”
“So, let me get this straight. A beautiful man worships the ground you walk on, fucks you to oblivion, and you have to question why. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
“It’s hard to feel secure when the one man you loved gave up on you,” I mumble.
We remain quiet, Penny fiddling with her hoop earrings as we both watch them down by the pond.
“He cares deeply for you. I mean, every time he talks about you—”
“Julian talks about me?”
“All the time,” she reaffirms.