Into the Light

An hour later I sat on my bathroom floor beside Bulls in a catatonic state staring at the five pregnancy tests, all a different brand, all laying side by side marked with the two blue lines that had decided my fate.

“Charlie. Five tests can’t be wrong. They’re all positive.”

I sat in silence. Not even blinking as I watched, hoping for a miracle that the lines all became one. Just one line. My vision clouded, why was this happening? The lines were staring me in the face, nothing could make them change. Closing my eyes I prayed that this was some awful dream and at any moment I would wake up and everything would be back to normal, but minutes later I opened them, the reality a huge slap in the face still staring at me. Bulls shifted closer to me, placing her arm around me, pulling me into her.

“Look girl, I’m sorry but I gotta ask. Whose?”

Turning to face her, I searched her eyes for any sort of judgment. She was my best friend and if anyone understood it would be Bulls. I closed my eyes again, remembering the past few months. Who I fucked, where I fucked, when I fucked, and what the fuck did I use? I rambled through my thoughts which were causing my head to ache, a migraine imminent. Condoms… I used condoms… I gave head… He fucked me in the ass. My body sunk and the weight of my actions caused me to shake again; any self-respect I had for myself disappeared along with my dignity. I was a whore... slut... whatever you want to call it. I said the names to myself, my head screaming on repeat.

“Bulls… I don’t know.”

“Oh girl, it’ll be okay. Look at Will. Rocky and I couldn’t have been in a worse situation but we made it work and look at him. My life wouldn’t exist without him.”

“But you had Rocky.”

“Yes, I know, but why on Earth would the father not want to be part of his baby’s life?”

“Because it’s all too complicated. Bulls, I can’t do this… I can’t be a single mom and have to look at this child every day and see the face of its father. I don’t understand how this happened.” It wasn’t a question, because no matter how it was answered it wouldn’t erase anything.

“Well sweetie, it’s quite simple. You got caught up in the hot sex and forgot about Mr. Jizzy and his million buddies.”

“Bulls, I married him.”

“What?” She raised her voice, her eyes wide in shock.

“That last night in the Hamptons, we got married. Don’t ask me how he pulled it off, I still don’t know but it happened. He kept asking me to marry him and he took me to the house. Outside in the gazebo, the man, he performed the ceremony.”

“Are you fucking with me? You married Lex? You are Mrs. Edwards?”

“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“So you are married to Lex and this may be Julian’s baby? My God, Charlie. It’s like Melrose place.” She shook her head, muttering something to herself.

I don't know how long I sat there, numb, unable to process how fucking foolish I felt for being caught up in all this. I didn’t cry, not one single tear had been shed since my breakdown in the drug store. Maybe I should have, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was unable to feel the pain now. Like I had some sort of shield. Staring blankly at the tests, it was hours later when I spoke again.

“Bulls, you need to get back to Will.” It was all I could think of. She had a family that needed her, her son needed her, her husband needed her. Family. Why did that word frighten me to the core?

“Charlie.” She spoke softly, moving a loose strand of hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear. “They are fine. Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

I laughed out loud, very loud, unable to stop, hysteria finally taking over. The tears of laughter rolled down my face. Bulls couldn’t cook to save her life; the irony wasn’t lost on me even in the state I was in. She laughed along with me and minutes later we both sat there trying to catch our breath.

“Okay, so can I order you something to eat? Charlie, you need to eat, whether you like it or not, it’s not just you that you need to take care of now.”

Of course I knew that. The memories came flooding back to me, the pain now overpowering as the tears that left my eyes were tears of sadness. I couldn’t stop sobbing uncontrollably as the fear set in. I couldn’t be a mother; I couldn’t carry this baby inside me. I couldn’t face that, not alone. Bulls held onto me and sometime during the night I fell asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.

I awoke the next morning on the floor, a pillow under my head and my grandmother’s knitted blanket covering me. I sat up, quickly searching the room, but it was empty. Wait, did I dream all this?! My body ached as I took in my surroundings. I had slept on the bathroom floor which only meant one thing, I really was pregnant. I heard the click of Bulls heels on my floorboards. She was dressed, ready for work. She must have gone home sometime in the night. She handed me a mug. Thank God, I needed coffee. Taking a sip, I scowled as the taste of tea lingered in my mouth.

“Don’t look at me that way. No more coffee for you.”

“Bulls, a cup won’t hurt.”

“No it won’t, but you don’t know how to drink only one cup a day. Listen, I have the Henderson Court meeting in an hour. Will you be okay? You know I wouldn’t leave but I’ve been working on this case for months.”

“Of course I understand. I’ll just get changed and see you in the office later.”

“Look, I’d rather you rested but I get it. You need the distraction. Just promise me if you feel ill you’ll go home right away? I’ll have my people watching you so don’t try to be a hero today.”

I nodded. Bulls grabbed her briefcase and made her way towards the door, but before she opened it she turned around one last time.