Into the Light

“When was the last time you had intercourse?” Oh shit were we really going there? I didn’t want to drudge up the memory. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, trying to block out the memory of our last time on the cliff top.

“I don’t know, like two months ago.”

“Did you use protection?”

“Uh yeah, I was on the pill back then.”

“Back then?”

“Yes, I stopped sometime after that.”

I didn’t like where this was going, my heart was beating fast and I wanted nothing more than to stop speaking. I placed my clammy hands on my thighs, rubbing the palms of my hands along my jeans with a slight tremble. Where was she going with this...?

“Charlie, would you mind peeing into the cup?” I grabbed hold of it barely making my way to the toilet that sat just outside her office. The nerves had now fully taken over as I struggled to pee; this cannot be happening. Sitting there on the toilet, I knew I only had moments before she would check up on me. I searched my brain; I was always on the pill back then. No, we didn’t use condoms, but I was on the pill... I was always careful to take the pill. Teen pregnancy was the hottest topic in high school. I wasn’t stupid. I took the fucking pill every night before bed, except that one night... the night that I found out about the baby.

I handed the specimen back as she dipped a thin cardboard strip into it. I couldn’t look, instead staring at a herpes chart that hung on the wall. Oh my god STDs? I was so fucking stupid. No, Charlotte, don’t do this to yourself; he said he wasn’t sleeping with her and you believed him. God knows how many other people he had slept with. I realized in that moment it was almost like I knew nothing about him. I was so naive... I would never ever make this mistake again. Just breathe everything is going to be okay... IT HAD TO BE OKAY.

It felt like hours later when she pulled the stick out, her face showing no emotion. She pulled her chair back to her table and reached out to a shelf beside her desk and pulled out some pamphlets, laying them before me.

“Lex, it was positive... I was pregnant,” she cried softly.

I sat still, shell-shocked at the revelation. Not only had I left her without saying goodbye, I left her pregnant with my child. Everything made sense now, why she was holding back, why she couldn’t forgive me, recalling the clues she gave me… about leaving us. But the baby...what happened to our baby? I closed my eyes knowing that the next part was probably something I didn’t want to hear. Something that would bring my mistakes up to the surface to be laid out in front of me, a big red marker pointing out where I failed, and how I failed her... and our baby.

“I didn’t even have a choice on whether or not I wanted it, the blood work came back and I was around four months pregnant. It was too late, I had no choice but to keep it and all I could think about was the fact that I would have to look at this kid every day and be reminded of you, that there was no escaping you.

“I thought about finding you, but I was still heartbroken. I had no idea Samantha’s baby wasn’t yours, so in my eyes you were still the man that betrayed me and left me standing alone. The one thing that I did know though was that this baby didn’t deserve to be second best. It didn’t need to compete with the other child you were raising. I was broken Lex, so broken and unable to pull myself out of this depression that was spiraling out of control.

“My grandmother was the only one that knew. I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I struggled to see any light in this situation. What did I know about raising a baby at eighteen? This wasn’t the life I wanted... at least not without you. I cried myself to sleep every day, I barely ate... I barely moved. My grandmother would rock me to sleep on our swing porch. But I was sad... so unbelievably sad that I had failed to see it wasn’t only me that had demons. She was sick… very sick.”

She paused to retrieve something from her purse. It was a photo, it looked familiar. Moments later I realized it was the same as the one hanging on her wall, but this time she didn’t have the blanket covering her, and her stomach... the bulge standing out against her skinny frame. I stared at it, shocked, unable to swallow, the pain intensified as I studied the photo in the dark of the night as we sat there. My poor Charlotte… how could I have done this... but our baby... what happened to the baby, I thought again. I prepared myself for what I thought she did, the only thing that could have possibly happened, she must have had the baby adopted. Closing my eyes, to think, somewhere out there I had a seven year old kid? My silence masked the turmoil that had overcome me; how the fuck could I have done this...to her? Out of all people…I love her more than life itself. Yet I pushed her into this nightmare, leaving her scarred for life.

“I remembered the day it all finally came crashing down, the darkest day of my life, the day that I screamed your name hoping that somewhere you would hear me and pull me out into the light.”

I twisted my body, trying to get comfortable. It was no use. I couldn’t lie on my stomach, so I moved to lie on my back. Great, now I had to pee again. I got up and peed for like the hundredth time that morning, then decided it was pointless and walked outside to sit on the porch swing.

It was early morning; the sun was shining brightly on the porch, the sounds of birds & crickets chirping in the distance. I looked up to the sky, perfectly blue, except for these dark grey clouds coming in from the east. I knew they predicted heavy rain and possible thunderstorms later in the day. I wasn’t surprised Gran wasn’t home; she normally conducted all her errands before 7am. If only I could be so productive.

My stomach grumbled slightly, oh food... again. I had no appetite despite what my body told me. I knew at my last appointment that Doctor Flannigan wa

sn’t pleased with my weigh in; I had lost weight. I sat there remembering the lecture she gave me.

“Charlie. You’ve lost quite a lot of weight. Is the morning sickness still occurring?” Doctor Flannigan asked.

“Uh...no”

“So have you been increasing your food intake?”

“Uh... just eating the same.”

“So what did you eat today for breakfast?”

“Um...I had a glass of water” I lied. I hadn’t had anything.

“Charlie, we’ve discussed this, it’s not healthy. There are so many risks. I realize this isn’t an ideal situation for you, but this baby needs nutrients which it will get if you eat a well maintained and balanced diet” She handed me another ‘what to eat when you’re expecting’ pamphlet which was lucky because I threw the other one out.

“I’d like to see you in two weeks. I expect to see these scales increase in number, do you understand?”

“Yes, Doctor Flannigan.”