Into the Light

…

“So, I must really suck as a tour guide then?”

“Mmm let’s just say your audience had other things on their mind.”

“Lex?”

“Mmm...” he hummed.

Okay, so I don't know why I was going to bring this up, why I decided that this would be a perfect time to open up a can of worms, open that dark closet, the one you dread because it's full of spiders and other scary creatures. Except for mine wasn’t, just full of other men.

“When are we going to talk?”

“About?” he asked.

“Everything.”

“Be more specific”?

“I don't know. I just feel like we haven’t talked about other things and I’d rather get this out now. I don't want you speculating and conjuring up your own thoughts on certain situations.”

He shifted up, looking at me cautiously, but instead I faced the other way and pulled him into me with my back against his chest. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, they gave away everything.

“About the past...Julian.”

“Charlotte...” he warned.

“I get it Lex, you’re a guy. You don't need to hear this and you have some inbuilt capability of being able to box things off, ignore and move on. But I'm a woman. It’s part of my genetic engineering to talk about these things.”

He remained silent so I continued to talk. “I did love him, Lex, but it was a different love. More like comfort love. He was everything on paper you would want from a man”

His body clenched, but I pulled him in tighter. “Every time I got close to a man, it felt wrong. Every first date I had that nagging feeling. I knew why, I just never admitted it to myself, but Julian made it easy, maybe too easy. But I didn't want that. When I saw you in the restaurant, it all made sense. I knew at that moment it couldn’t be anyone else but stubborn Charlie wasn't going down without a fight.”

“I have never been so jealous in my entire life,” he spoke quietly. “It drove me to do things so out of character for me. It cost me a lot, with my business.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, kissing his forearm.

“It consumed me, this jealously. It was ugly and I was nothing but a dickhead to everyone around me.”

“Kate,” I murmured.

“Yes, Kate. She definitely was first in the firing line. Honestly, I had no idea you were her friend with the 'fucked up love life'…”

“I had no idea you were hot boss in love with a girl you couldn’t have.”

He hugged me tighter, spreading his hands on my stomach, the gentle caresses on our baby warming my heart. He wanted this as much as I did.

“I never did brunettes.”

“Huh?” I asked in confusion.

“You always said I preferred blondes but that wasn't the reason behind it. After you, I couldn't go near a brunette. It reminded me too much of you and each time it got harder to climb out of that depressive self-destructive spiral.”

“Why didn’t you look for me?”

“Why? Because I wasn’t stupid, I knew how I left you, and as more time passed the more I knew you would move on, despite what I wanted. Charlotte, this right now, this is what I’ve dreamt about since the moment we ran into each other in my parents’ kitchen. I am so happy right now it actually fucking hurts, because I don't know what to do with myself. I’m obsessed with you, every part of you. You are my addiction, but one I never want to stop.”

“Then I’m glad I’m not the only one. You are so stuck with me for life. Let’s be obsessed together forever.”