Reminders of Him

“Oh, yeah. Then can you grow another baby?”

I stare at Diem, not sure how to answer that. “How about we just get another cat? Ivy needs a friend.”

Diem throws her hands in the air, excited. “Yes! Another kitten!”

I kiss her on the head and shut her door.

Ledger is side-eyeing me when I open the passenger door. He points to the middle of the seat, so I scoot all the way over and buckle in. He grabs my hand and threads our fingers together. He’s looking at me with a glimmer in his eye, as if the idea of giving Diem a sibling excites him.

Ledger kisses me, and then he starts to drive.

For the first time in a long, long time, I want to listen to the radio. I want to hear any song, even the sad ones. I lean forward and turn on the radio. It’s the first time we’ve listened to anything in this truck other than the safe playlist Ledger made me.

He glances at me when he realizes what I’ve done. I just smile at him and lean against his shoulder.

Music still makes me think of Scotty, but thinking of Scotty no longer makes me sad. Now that I’ve forgiven myself, the reminders of him only make me smile.

The End

EPILOGUE

Dear Scotty,

I’m sorry I hardly write to you anymore. I used to write to you because I was lonely, so I guess it’s a good thing the letters are few and far between now.

I still miss you. I’ll always miss you. But I’m convinced that the holes you left behind are only holes felt by us. Wherever you are, you’re complete. That’s what matters.

Diem is growing so fast. She just turned seven. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I wasn’t here for the first five years of her life because it feels like I’ve always been here. I’m sure that has a lot to do with Ledger and your parents. They tell me stories about her growing up and show me videos, so it sometimes seems like I missed nothing at all.

I don’t know that Diem even remembers a life without me in it. To her, I’ve always been here. I know that’s because all the people who loved you gave her everything she needed when you and I couldn’t be there.

She still lives with your parents, although I see her every day. She stays with Ledger and me at least two nights a week. She has her own bedroom at both houses. We eat dinner together every night.

I’d love for her to live with me full time, but I also know it’s important she keep the routine she’s had since birth. And Patrick and Grace deserve to be the major component in her life. I would never want to take that from them.

Since the day they accepted me into her life, I’ve never felt unwelcome. Not for one day or even one second. They didn’t accept me with conditions. They just accepted me like I belong here with all the people who loved you.

You were surrounded by good people, Scotty. From your parents to your best friend to your best friend’s parents, I have never met a family more loving.

The people that were in your life are now the people who are in my life, and I’ll do everything I can to continue to show them as much love and respect as you gave them. I’ll treat each of my relationships with the same level of significance and respect I give to the naming process.

You know how seriously I take naming things. I thought long and hard about what to name Diem when she was born, and I even took three days to name Ivy.

The last name I handed out two weeks ago was by far one of the more important ones, yet somehow the easiest name to come up with.

When they placed our newborn son on my chest, I looked down at him through teary eyes, and I said, “Hi, Scotty.”

Love,

Kenna

KENNA ROWAN’S PLAYLIST

1) “Raise Your Glass”—P!nk

2) “Dynamite”—BTS

3) “Happy”—Pharrell Williams

4) “Particle Man”—They Might Be Giants

5) “I’m Good”—The Mowgli’s

6) “Yellow Submarine”—The Beatles

7) “I’m Too Sexy”—Right Said Fred

8) “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”—Justin Timberlake

9) “Thunder”—Imagine Dragons

10) “Run the World (Girls)”—Beyoncé

11) “U Can’t Touch This”—MC Hammer

12) “Forgot About Dre”—Dr. Dre featuring Eminem

13) “Vacation”—Dirty Heads

14) “The Load Out”—Jackson Browne

15) “Stay”—Jackson Browne

16) “The King of Bedside Manor”—Barenaked Ladies

17) “Empire State of Mind”—JAY-Z

18) “Party in the U.S.A.”—Miley Cyrus

19) “Fucking Best Song Everrr”—Wallpaper.

20) “Shake It Off”—Taylor Swift

21) “Bang!”—AJR