Reminders of Him

“I’d say so.”

“We plan on telling her, but how do you tell a child her mother went to prison? She doesn’t even know what prison is.”

“I’m not judging,” I say. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. We should probably come up with a more accurate version of the truth, though.”

“I know. She’s just so young.”

“She’s starting to get curious.”

“I know. Just . . . if she asks again, tell her I’ll explain it to her.”

“I did. Prepare for questions.”

“Great,” she says with a sigh. “How did the game go?”

“Good. She wore the red boots. And got McDonald’s.”

Grace laughs. “You’re a sucker.”

“Yeah. Tell me something new. See you soon.” I end the call and glance into the back seat. Diem’s face is full of concentration.

“What are you thinking, D?”

“I want to be in a movie,” Diem says.

“Oh yeah? You want to be an actress?”

“No, I want to be in a movie.”

“I know. That’s called being an actress.”

“Then, yeah, that’s what I want to be. An actress. I want to be in cartoons.”

I don’t tell her cartoons are just voices and drawings. “I think you’d be a great cartoon actress.”

“I will be. I’m gonna be a horse or a dragon or a mermaid.”

“Or a unicorn,” I suggest.

She grins and looks out her window.

I love her imagination, but she definitely didn’t get it from Scotty. His mind was more concrete than a sidewalk.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

KENNA

I’ve never seen a picture of Diem. I don’t know if she looks like me or Scotty. Are her eyes blue or brown? Is her smile honest like her father’s? Does she laugh like me?

Is she happy?

That’s my only hope for her. I want her to be happy.

I have complete faith in Grace and Patrick. I know they loved Scotty, and it’s obvious they love Diem. They loved her before she was even born.

They started fighting for custody the day they were told I was pregnant. The baby didn’t even have fully developed lungs, but they were already fighting for its first breath.

I lost the custody battle before Diem was even born. There aren’t many rights a mother has when she’s sentenced to several years in prison.

The judge said, because of the nature of our situation and the duress I’d caused to Scotty’s family, he could not, in good conscience, honor my request for visitation rights. Nor would he force Scotty’s parents to maintain the relationship between my daughter and me while I was in prison.

I was told I could petition the court for rights upon my release, but since my rights were terminated, there’s probably very little I can do. Between Diem’s birth and my release almost five years later, there has been little anyone could, or would, do for me.

All I have is this intangible hope I try to cling to with childlike hands.

I was praying Scotty’s parents just needed time. I assumed, ignorantly, that they would eventually see a need for me to be in Diem’s life.

There wasn’t much I could do from my isolated position in the world, but now that I’m out, I’ve thought long and hard about how I should go about this. I have no idea what to expect. I don’t even know what kind of people they are. I only met them once when Scotty and I were dating, and that didn’t go over very well. I’ve tried to find them online, but their profiles are extremely private. There wasn’t a single picture of Diem online that I could locate. I even looked up all of Scotty’s friends whose names I could remember, but I couldn’t remember very many, and all their profiles were private.

I knew very little about Scotty’s life before he met me, and I wasn’t with him long enough to truly get to know his friends or his family. Six months out of the twenty-two years he lived.

Why is everyone from his life so locked down? Is it because of me? Are they afraid of this very thing happening? Me showing up? Me hoping to be a part of my daughter’s life?

I know they hate me, and they have every right to hate me, but part of me has been living with them for the past four years in Diem. My hope is that they’ve found a sliver of forgiveness for me through my daughter.

Time heals all wounds, right?

Except I didn’t leave them with a simple wound. I left them with a casualty. One so heartbreaking there’s a possibility it will never be forgiven. It’s hard not to cling to hope, though, when all I’ve been able to do or look forward to is this moment.

It’s either going to complete me or destroy me. There is no in-between.

Four more minutes before I find out.

I’m more nervous in this moment than I was in the courtroom five years ago. I grip the rubber starfish tightly in my hand. It’s the only toy they had for sale at the gas station next door to my apartment. I could have had the cabdriver take me to Target or Walmart, but they’re both in the opposite direction of where I’m hoping Diem still lives, and I can’t afford that much cab fare.