The Consumption of Magic (Tales From Verania 3)

The smile that curled his lips had a nasty curve to it. “No, Sam. There’s no sister.”

I raised my hands and clapped slowly. “Well played. Tugging on the heartstrings. That was rather devious.”

Ryan drew his sword, the steel scraping against the scabbard. “You’re going to want to step away from the door.”

“Was that an order, Knight Commander?” Caleb asked, looking unmoved by Ryan’s threat.

“For now, it’s a suggestion. But the next time I have to tell you, I won’t be as polite.”

“Oooh,” Caleb said, shivering dramatically. “That just gets me down into my nether region. No wonder she sees in you what she does. I thought she was just crazy. But what do I know.”

“Who?” I asked, the green and gold starting to skirt along the edges of my vision.

“In time, Sam,” Caleb said. “First, I need to tell you a little story.”

“Oh my gods,” I groaned. “Are you fucking serious?”

Caleb looked startled at my outburst. “Excuse me?”

“Somehow you infiltrated the castle, became part of the page program, waited until just the right moment, got us in your clutches, and now you’re going to ruin what I admit is a pretty awesome and dedicated plan by monologuing. Dude, you totally just lost any and all credibility as the diabolical mastermind I was making you out to be. For shame, Caleb, for shame.”

Caleb seemed a little flustered at that. “It started almost two years ago when—”

“I am so bored with this already,” I told Ryan. “Are you bored with this? Because I’m bored with this.”

“At least he hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet,” Ryan pointed out. “That’s different.”

I squinted at Caleb. “Do you want to bone me?”

“What? No!”

“Ouch,” I said. “That’s a blow to the ol’ ego. Are you sure?”

“I don’t want to sleep with you. I’m straight.”

“Huh. That was not expected.” I gave him the Look-How-Precious-Sam-Is big eyes, fluttering my eyelashes just the way Gary had taught me. “Are you sure?”

“Are you hitting on me?” Caleb sounded incredulous.

“Gods, Sam,” Ryan growled. “Now is not the time for that.”

“You don’t even find me a little attractive?” I asked Caleb.

“No!”

“I was having such a good day too,” I said with a sigh. “Well, up until the whole getting trapped in a house with a skinny little twink who thought it’d be a good idea to try and capture us.”

“I’m not a twink.”

“Do you have any body hair that’s not on your head or dick?”

“No! What the hell—”

“Twink,” I said. “Trust me, I would know. I’ve been stuck as one for a long time. I’m hoping one day to become a bear. I feel like I’d be an awesome bear. Maybe even a leather one.”

“What am I, then?” Ryan asked, obviously unable to help himself.

“An otter,” I explained to him. “You’re muscular and furry.”