The Queen & the Homo Jock King (At First Sight 2)

“And then we’ll have to move to a bigger house,” Vince said to no one in particular. “Probably one that has three or four bedrooms because we’ll have to have a girl and a boy and then a gender-fluid child who can make up their own mind as to what they want to be when they grow up.”

“How progressive,” Corey said.

Paul rolled his eyes. “This is what happens when he accidentally watches documentaries on Netflix while trying to find episodes of Family Guy. Three weeks ago, he thought gender-fluidity meant co-ed synchronized swimming.”

“Better accidental gender-fluidity than none at all,” Corey said.

“You’ve broken him,” Paul said to Larry. “You’ve broken my boyfriend. I just got him how I wanted him and now you’re trying to mess with his settings. Do you know how much work I had to put into this? Like, over a year.”

“You want children,” Larry whispered to Vince. “You want to have so many children. You want them to call me Pappy and you want to do it soon. Listen to my voice, Vince, and only my—”

“Larry,” Matty said. “Stop trying to brainwash Vince. You’re upsetting Paul. You know how shrill he gets when he’s upset. Honestly.”

“I don’t get shrill,” Paul said shrilly.

“See?” Matty said. “Octavius and Brian, please ignore this whole thing. We’re not normally like this.”

“That’s not true at all,” Nana said. “This is normal for this family. I blame Instagram. No one cares about photos of your spinach and kale salad, you hipsters.”

“How unfortunate,” Octavius said, once again British. “Especially given all the pulp. And the trans fats. Though, I suppose if you’re going to be a commoner, you might as well eat like one.”

“Lovely,” I said. “You’re just lovely. Darren, I can see why you picked him.”

“Brian,” Darren said, “I didn’t think you were the dating type.”

“I’m not,” he said. “I—”

“—just couldn’t resist,” I said, kicking him

under the table. “You know how it is. Sometimes you just click.”

“So much bodily harm,” Brian muttered with a wince. “But, uh, yeah. Clicked. We clicked.”

“So you’re dating now,” Darren said flatly.

“Oh, I wouldn’t go that far,” I said. “We’re taking it day by day.”

“Help me,” Brian whispered to Corey.

“Not even if you begged me,” Corey said. “I had to walk in and see your balls this morning. I was not prepared for morning balls. It’s something I have to work my way up to.”

“I saw them too,” Paul said. “They looked smooth.”

“I shave regularly.” Brian shrugged as Vince glared at him.

“It’s fine.” Paul kissed Vince on the cheek. “I like yours the best.”

Vince looked particularly smug at that. As he rightly should.

“This has been just wonderful,” Nana said. “I’m so glad we’re not one of those boring families who get together and talks about real issues like Ebola or Jesus.”

“I feel like so much has happened,” Matty said. “New friends, models, sexual acts described about people I’ve come to think of as my children and I really, really regret hearing about. All before noon on the Lord’s day. I could use a nap.”

“Maybe have like four or five kids,” Larry said to Vince. “You could start your own band or trapeze artist troupe. The Awesomely Amazing Austers. Because you would have to take Paul’s last name as a sign of love and trust to your submissive. Also, your children would need to have the Auster name as we came from a long line of German peanut farmers and we need to honor them because we’re all nuts.”

Matty snickered. “My handsome comedian.”

“Four or five?” Vince squeaked. “How would we feed them all?”