Why We Fight (At First Sight 4)

“He has,” I said. “You’re… softer. A little bit.”

Sandy snorted. “I’ll let that slide because of what we’re talking about. However, if you say that to me again, I’ll scratch your eyes out.”

“Duly noted.”

He stood up from the bed and came toward me. He turned my chair until I was facing him before he crouched down in front of me. If you’ve never had a drag queen in a frilly robe with cabbage jizz on their face hunkering down at your feet, you haven’t truly lived. “What I’m trying to say is that while some things change, it doesn’t mean we’ll forget all the other important stuff. We’re always going to be together in one way or another. It might not always be like this, like we are now, but I promise you that you will never be alone.”

I felt scraped and raw. I said the only thing I could. “I love you.”

He grinned at me. “I know you do. And I love you too, baby doll. Finding you that day in the thrift store is one of the happiest days of my life. Look at you. Look at all you’ve become. You took a shitty hand and made such a wonderful life for yourself. And while I can’t promise that Darren and I won’t want to move to the next level in our relationship, I can promise that you’ll be one of the first to know. We’ll make these decisions together. Okay?”

I sniffled. “Okay.”

He patted my knees. “Good. Now how about you take a little break and we go watch some trashy TV. Just you and me.”

“And Darren, right? He’s over.”

He stood. “Oh no. Darren is a little worn out at the moment. I gave him the dicking of his life, so he’s down for the night. Homo jocks are predictable that way, even their king.”

I grimaced. “That’s what that sound was. I thought those cats next door were in heat again. There was yowling.”

“Yeah. I have no regrets.”

“You should have some regrets, Jesus Christ.”

He laughed and pulled me up from my chair. He led me from the room and shoved me down on the couch before laying a blanket over my lap. He sat down next to me and pulled me close.

JEREMY AND I saw each other, though it was mostly from a distance. He would be going one way and I’d be going another. We’d wave at each other but wouldn’t stop. He had a class to get to, and so did I. We only saw each other outside of the university a couple of times, and only for a few minutes. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to be with each other, but he was right that we had to do this properly.

Without fail, though, I’d come home for the day and find texts from him telling me about something that happened in one of his classes, or a selfie from him in a meeting, rolling his eyes while telling me how bored he was.

We’d been in each other’s pockets for three months, and now that we weren’t, it was shocking how bereft it made me. At least at first. As the weeks wore on, I found myself appreciating this space, given that I was able to start thinking with a clear head. For a brief moment I wondered if the distance between us would be a death knell, if this whole thing between us would be over before it even really started, but I pushed that thought away. I trusted him. And I know he trusted me.

Still, I couldn’t help but feel irrationally annoyed when he texted one Saturday night saying he was going to the leather bar. Annoyed, that is, until I got another message a little bit later telling me that Griffin had apparently started dating some dude named Trigger, and it took me a moment to remember the massive guy outside the leather bar who’d cowered when Charlie appeared. Mazel tov.

There was a momentum to all this. I was irrevocably hurtling forward toward one ending and a new beginning. The days sometimes went so slow I thought I was going to tear my hair out. And then I’d blink and an entire week had gone by. And even though there was this momentum, I still felt like part of myself was in stasis, like I was waiting for something to happen, something to set itself right again.

It did, of course.

And this is how I got my happy ending.

I WAS tackled the moment I opened the door to Phoenix House the last Saturday in September. I managed to catch myself on the frame. I expected it to be one of the kids. It was Marina.

“You came back!” she shouted in my ear.

I laughed as I wrapped my arms around her, her hair tickling my nose. “I told you I would, didn’t I? You know I wouldn’t miss the parade. Sorry it took me so long to get back here. Shit’s been crazy lately. School, and my friend’s brother and his partner just had twins, so I’ve been fielding a shit-ton of phone calls even though I have no idea about parenting in the slightest. They’re very weird. But they’re from Oregon, so that’s to be expected.”

She squeezed me tightly before letting me go. “I’m just happy you’re here.” She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me inside. “Look who I found!”

Teenagers swarmed around me. They were talking excitedly, all of them trying to tell me everything at once, and I closed my eyes, letting it wash over me. I didn’t know until that moment just how much I’d missed this place, with all its noise and vibrancy. It took me by surprise, and I wondered—not for the first time—if this was where I truly belonged. If this could be my future.

The kids were excited. And they had every right to be. It’d been announced a few weeks back that the float for Phoenix House would be the first in the Pride parade, only behind the grand marshal. They had worked hard, and I couldn’t wait to see what they’d created.

The kids finally stepped back, and only then did Diego and Kai come forward. Diego had his arm wrapped around Kai’s shoulders. They both looked me up and down.

“All right?” I asked them.

“Totally,” Diego said.