Into This River I Drown

I throw my hands up in the air. “Fine. Tomorrow.”

Mom grins at me as she takes my cup from my hand and pours the coffee into a

travel mug. All four women then stand in a line and I kiss their cheeks, the Trio

telling me not to worry, that they will find a homosexual or two, even if they have to

think on it all day.

I shake my head as my mom hands me my mug and motions for me to turn

around. I do, and she lifts my backpack up and sets it on my back. They treat me like

I’m twelve, but I like to think it’s more for their benefit than mine. Mom’s fussing

with the zipper on the back of my bag when alarms start ringing in my head. I’m

about to turn when she opens the bag to see what the zipper is caught on. A feather falls to the floor.

I bend to scoop it up, but Mary beats me to it. “Where in the crap did you find

this?” she ask

s, holding it close to her face.

Christie plucks it from her fingers. “This has got to be the biggest bird ever.” My mother grabs it. “Benji, where did this come from?”

I make a move to take it back, but she holds it away from me. “Near Little

House,” I say defensively. “I just like it, okay? Give it back.” I can’t tell them the

thought of anyone other than me touching the feather makes me want to snarl and

lash out. I can’t tell them I spent the remainder of last night sitting in a chair in the

corner of the room, my knees curled up against my chest, watching the feather as it

lay on my bed. I can’t tell them where it came from, but somehow I know it is mine,

that it is for me.

“Can I see it?” Nina asks quietly.

My mother looks to me. I shrug, every fiber of my being screaming for me to

take it back, that no one else should touch it, but I don’t want to be forced to explain

these ridiculous feelings, seeing as how I don’t understand them myself. Not so ridiculous, I tell myself. It’s mine. It’s mine because it came from my

dre—

She hands it over to Nina, who moans softly as it touches her fingers. “It’s so

pretty,” she whispers. “And so, so blue.” Her eyes flick to mine at this last. I look

away. “Did you see him?” she asks me.

I close my eyes.