Into This River I Drown

Michael’s eyes turn wistful for a moment, and I wonder if there’s a story there. “It’s the way of things, Benji. But Calliel changed that. He broke away from the pattern, the design. He allowed it to become something more. So Father did what he always did. He tested him.”

“How?”

Michael’s eyes burn darkly. “He gave him a choice. Ei

ther save your father and allow the man named Griggs to die, or allow your father to die and Griggs to live.”

Of all the things he could have said, what he did say is what I expected the least. I grip the arms of the white chair as anger begins to well in my chest like a bloom of fire. I want to leap across at the angel and put my hands around his throat until he takes it back. I want to tear the White Room down until it’s nothing but rubble underneath my fingers. I want to find God and make sure he pays for everything he’s done.

But most of all, I want to find Cal and tell him to return to On High. I want to tell him to never come back, to forget he ever knew my name. And after that, I never want to see him again, and I will find someplace to float off into the darkness. It’s the only way to keep me from killing him myself.

The White Room begins to shake a little, the walls and floor vibrating. I think I hear whispers all around me, but I can’t tell above the blood roaring in my ears. Michael doesn’t move, his eyes still on me, waiting.

“Why?” I manage to say.

“Because that is how my Father works. The tests aren’t ever something simple, with a choice to be made that won’t matter in the long run. What would be the point of such a thing?”

“This is my life!” I snarl at him. “This isn’t some fucking game!”

Michael’s not intimidated in the slightest at my fury. That sad smile makes an appearance again, as if he’s trying to show he understands what I’m saying. But he can’t. He can never know. He follows his Father blindly while the rest of us struggle to make sense of even the simplest of things. It’s faith, Cal/Big Eddie/Abe whisper. It’s faith pure and simple. Sometimes, oh sometimes, you’re not meant to understand.

“It’s not a game,” Michael agrees. “And maybe I was a little harsh when I said it as such when we first met. I did not know then what I know now.”

“What happened?”

Michael hesitates.

“Tell me!”

“Father revealed the whole of the design to Calliel,” he says. “The outcomes of his decisions, however far down the line they could go. He gave Calliel the choice of who to save on that day.”

“Why didn’t he save my father?” I croak out. “Why did he choose to save Griggs?”

“Sacrifice, Benji. It all comes back to sacrifice. Choices are never meant to be black and white. By saving your father, he would ensure he would have lived a long and healthy life, that he would have been by your side for decades to come until one day, at the age of ninety-eight, he would have died peacefully in his sleep, surrounded by you, your partner, your children and grandchildren. He would have been so loved by the family you would have had.”

“And by saving Griggs?”

“By saving Griggs, he potentially ensured the survival of humanity.”

“What?”

Michael looks down at his hands. “Should the business of the Elementals on the other plane of existence resolve in the way we hope and all the worlds be saved, there will come a time, a hundred years from now, when there will be the possibility that a man will rise in the East on this plane with the intent to destroy all he sees. His fate will be decided by a simple action by George Griggs. Two years after your father died, Griggs helped save a young woman involved in a car accident. Because of him, she lived and will go on to give birth to a daughter. That daughter will grow up and give birth to a son. That son will save another woman from a fire, who in turn will live and give birth to twins. And so on and so forth, down the line, until the necessary opposition will rise against the man in the East, and humanity will have a fighting chance.

“My father revealed more of the design to Calliel than he ever had to anyone before. Calliel was left with a choice of whether to ensure your happiness or to make sure the world has a chance at survival should this dark man rise, long after you’ve already gone.”

“He punished him,” I say bitterly. “What you’re trying to say is that he punished him for loving me.”

“Sacrifice, Benji. It all comes down to sacrifice. And while the decision was difficult on Calliel, he made the only one he could, the only one an angel in his position could.”

“And it had nothing to do with jealousy?” I snap at him. “Cal saw my future if my father had lived. You said I had my own family with me when my father died. Cal was obviously not in it. You don’t think that influenced his decision at all?”

Michael looks at me sharply. “Does anything you know about Calliel suggest pettiness?” he asks, his voice hard. “I know you’re angry, and I know it hurts, but think carefully before you speak, child. You’re not a stupid boy, so don’t act like one.”

Ashamed, I look away. He’s right. Of course he’s right. Calliel doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body. But even though it’s not fair to him, I still can’t find a way to soothe the anger burning through my veins. He could have saved my father. Cal could have saved Big Eddie and I would have had him for a lifetime.

“Why did he fall, then?” I ask.

“Because of your grief, Benji. Calliel was finding it harder and harder to live with the consequences of his decision. He broke protocol by making a promise to your father, one that was not his to make.”