Into This River I Drown

He sighs. “Sort of. I tried to show you as much as I could.”

I scowl, anger rising again. “And he tried to keep me away from you. Cal always pulled me out of the river. He didn’t want me to see what you were trying to show me.”

My father looks stern. “As well he should have. It wasn’t all me, Benji. Those dreams. It was the river too. Cal was only doing what I had asked of him. To protect you as much as possible. I couldn’t control it as well as I thought I could. He saved you from drowning. He saved you again and again and again.”

I don’t reply.

But this is my father. He knows me better than anyone. “So that’s what I was feeling,” he says in awe.

“What?” I say, my face flushing.

“You love him.” It’s not said as a question.

“Dad….”

“Well, shit.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s… a nice guy.”

I can’t help the laugh that comes out. “A nice guy?”

“Does he love you back?”

I nod. “I think so.”

“He better.”

“I don’t know if I can do right by him.”

“I raised you, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then you’ll do the right thing, Benji. You always will.”

My eyes start to burn again. “I’m losing him,” I say through the tears. “When I thought he was gone, it felt like I’d lost everything all over again. He’s… Dad, he’s made me feel alive for the first

time in a long time. He’s sweet, and kind. And smart. And everyone loves him. He had such reverence for the Ford you would have thought he helped to build it too.”

“Maybe he did,” Big Eddie says slowly. “I gathered he’d been around for some time.”

“But he can’t stay,” I say, my breath hitching in my chest. “He can’t stay.”

My father pulls me closer. “Why?”

“Because he’ll die. Angels can’t stay where we are. He has to go back.”

“Says who?”

“I do!” I say angrily, trying to pull away from him. He doesn’t let me go. “I couldn’t take it if he died too. My heart couldn’t take it.”

“It will,” he tells me. “It will because I’ve raised you to be strong and brave. I’ve raised you to always think of others before yourself.”

I’m incredulous. “I am! I don’t want him to die!”

“What does he want?”