Into This River I Drown

“Until the end,” I say.

He nods, and his head comes back to my shoulder. We step together.

What follows is hard. The current is stronger than I’ve ever felt before. The river mud sucks us down with every step we take. The water splashes up into our faces, blinding us, choking us. And still we push on. My father’s breath is ragged in my ear, and my chest feels like it is burning. But still I push on, for him. For him, I would do anything.

The river reaches my shoulders by the time we’re halfway. And it’s at this halfway mark that the whispers from the other side get louder, more inviting, more calming. They are calling me home, telling me all it takes are just a few more steps and I’ll be home, my father will be home, and we’ll be home together. Isn’t that what I want? Isn’t that what my heart desires?

It is. It is. It is.

“No,” my father croaks. “No. Not now. Not yet. It’s not your time.”

River water splashes up into my face, urging me on, and I try to pull him toward the whispering voices.

“No,” he says, sounding more sure. He grunts as he pushes himself upright, the water to his chest. He pulls his arm from around me and turns me to face him. When I look up at my dad, his eyes are shining such bright green. He looks stronger than before, and I know that look. He’s made up his mind, and there will be no other way.

“You’re going back now,” he says as the river batters us both. “It’s time for you to turn around and go back.”

I begin to panic. “No. No! It’s not. It’s not time! There will never be enough time. I’m going with you! I’m going with you, and I won’t look back! Please don’t make me. Please don’t leave me here. I can’t do this without you!”

He shakes his head. “You can’t go with me,” he says. “You know you can’t. It’s not your time. It’s not meant for you.”

“Just don’t leave me alone again,” I moan. “Please.”

He cups my face in his hands. “You listen to me, boy, and you listen good. Are you listening?”

I nod, and even the river fades because all I can see is him.

“You are my son,” he says fiercely. “You will never be alone because I will always be with you.”

“You promise?” I cry.

“I promise with all that I have. Now go back.”

“Dad.” I don’t know what else to say.

But he understands anyway. “I know. I’ll see you again. I swear, one day, I’ll see you again.”

And he pushes me away. Not knowing what else to do, I take a step back. And then another. And then another. He watches me and waits, the river slamming into his massive frame. It’s a struggle, but I make it back and haul myself out of the river and onto the cool grass.

And as the stars come out above, and as the moon glows brightly in the sky, my father turns and faces the other side. He takes a deep breath… and pushes on. Every step he takes is one closer to the other side. It gets harder for him as he gets closer. The waves wash up and over him, the river trying to sweep him away. There’s one moment where he stumbles and I think he’s going to go under, but he manages to keep his balance and takes another step.

And another.

And another.

Away, away, away from me.

And then he reaches the other side and pulls himself up and onto the bank. We both collapse on our sides of the river, lying on our backs, catching our breath. The stars are so bright. So blue. Everything here seems to be blue, and I know it’s almost time for me to go home. I’ve been given a gift. I’ve made my choice. I’ve done my duty as a son. For him.

I sit up and look across the river.

My father stands, watching me.

I don’t know how much time passes then. But we watch each other, a river separating us, taking one last look while we can. I don’t know when we will see each other again, but I cling to the promise that we will. I pray. I have faith. I have hope.

Then suddenly he smiles and looks over his shoulder. I know someone is calling to him, someone I can’t see or hear. I wonder who it is. He turns back to me, and the smile fades, a conflicted look coming over his face. He takes a step toward the river. I do the only thing I can do, to ensure he goes.

I say good-bye.