Into This River I Drown

My thoughts strayed to Cal, and I felt like a liar. If something happened to him, I wouldn’t be okay. If he left me, I knew I would find the river and once again be adrift.

With those thoughts came the seed of doubt that sprouted quickly.

A final test.

I’m awoken from a nightmare by a touch to my face, a finger dragging along

my cheek. I open my eyes. It’s dark in the room, the only light coming from the door that’s cracked open. My heart thuds painfully against my chest. I’m convinced it’s Griggs here with me in the dark and that he’s going to take me into the White Room forever.

But then my eyes adjust and my nightmare flees. Nina is standing over me, touching my face, poking my cheek. This is the first time I’ve seen her since I’ve been in the hospital.

“Are you awake now?” she asks, her eyes shining in the dark.

“What time is it?” I ask her.

“Not too late,” she says. “Not too late for a lot of things.”

My mind is still fuzzy. “What are you doing here?”

“Big House and Little House are empty,” she says quietly. “So many things are

gone. Even Mary feels it. We came here to see Lola. I came here to see you.” She looks down at my arm and touches the needle for the IV at my wrist. Her eye follows the tubing until it reaches the machine pumping me full of God knows what.

I smile up at her. “It’s good to see you.” It’s not as hard to breathe as I thought it would be.

She nods and then pulls the needle out of my hand with a quick jerk, the tape catching on my skin.

“Nina! That fucking hurt!”

She frowns. “Language,” she scolds. “We don’t have much time.”

“For what?”

“You. We need to leave.”

She pulls me up to a sitting position, ignoring my groans. “And go where?”

My aunt stares at me as if I’m stupid. “Blue needs you,” she says. “Can’t you feel it, Benji? He’s almost gone. He needs you.”

I feel cold. And what’s worse is, I hesitate. Removed from the situation by a few days, I’ve allowed my anger to rise unchecked. And this time, it is all directed toward him. He had a choice to make, yes, and he was tested by his Father, oh yes, but he could have done something. He could have done something more. He could have stood up to his Father and said no. He could have done everything in his power to stop it from happening. He could have saved my father.

Or, Michael whispers, he could have promised him to watch out for his only son for the rest of his days. Or he could have fallen to earth to protect this son. Or he could have cared for this boy. Or he could have fallen in love with him and treasured him above all else, even though it was so close to blasphemy it endangered his mortal soul.

“Nina,” I say, hedging.

She stops and stares at me hard.

I look away.

“Oh, no,” she says. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to say no. Not now. Not after all he’s done for you.”

My mind is beginning to clear, and it hurts to thi

nk.

“That man loves you,” she growls at me, squeezing my hands tightly. “And he needs you, Benji. Just like you need him. You can’t stay here. You can’t keep hiding. This is just another white room and you know it. If you wait too long, the choice will be made for you.”

I snap my eyes to hers. “How did you….”