Into This River I Drown

He looks confused, almost scared. “I didn’t… I didn’t know how to….”

“That’s enough,” I tell her. “This isn’t going to solve anything. Mom, you have to believe me when I say I’ve asked the same questions. I’ve wanted the same answers, but it can’t be forced. It just can’t.”

She turns on me. “How could you keep this from me? How could you even think that was okay? Benji, you could have been killed tonight!”

“I didn’t say anything because of this right here,” I retort. “I didn’t say anything because I was scared you’d have this reaction. Mom, he’s….” He’s what? What is he to me? I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t know if I want to. My head is starting to hurt and I’m exhausted. I’m losing the ability to process any of this.

But he’s here, I tell myself. If I’m being honest, that’s the only thing I care about. He’s here. I’m angry, yes, and I’m freaking the fuck out, but he’s here. He came back. He came back.

“I care about him,” I finally say, knowing it sounds weak. “He’s my friend. I don’t… he’s my friend, okay? And he saved me tonight. I just….”

Mom doesn’t look convinced, though I don’t know why I think she should be. But she also looks worn, and heartbroken, much older than when I saw her earlier today. And maybe the real reason why I haven’t said anything to her yet is not because of this reaction, or because of what our future might hold. Maybe the real reason is because I don’t want old wounds to be ripped open for her, like they have been for me. I don’t want her scars to be split wide-open. Yes, he is my friend (let’s not go any further than that right now, I tell myself), but he is also a reminder of what we’ve lost. And it’s worse to know there are questions he can’t answer right now. Whether he’s being truthful about the convenient memory loss or not. Thinking of him as a liar feels wrong.

“Mom, just… just give us time,” I beg.

“Time?” she says incredulously. “Time? Time for what?”

“To figure out what’s going on here. There’s so much we don’t know, so much that I’m still trying to figure out.”

She shakes her head. “Benji, you have to see how ridiculous this is, right? Do you hear yourself? Do you hear him?”

“Time,” I repeat. “That’s all I’m asking for.”

“I won’t hurt him,” Cal says seriously. “I can’t hurt him.”

“What do you think you did when you left?” she says as she scowls at him. “You disappeared for days like it was nothing. I don’t know why or what happened, but don’t you dare say you won’t hurt him when you already have. This is my son, so don’t you dare.”

His face falls as he takes a step back. “Didn’t mean to,” he says quietly. “I thought leaving for a bit would be easier on him. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I would never do that. I….” He shakes his head but won’t look at me.

“Mom, that’s enough for tonight. I’m exhausted, and I need to speak to Cal. Alone.”

“Benji, you can’t possibly think this is a good idea! You saw what he did to those men!”

Into the black.

“They weren’t men,” Cal mutters. “They were husks. Shells. They have no souls. Minions that do nothing more than Michael’s bidding. They are abominations, and I do not know why Father permits them.”

She stares at him, unable to speak.

“Mom, you can’t tell anyone about him.” I grab her arm to get her attention. She looks like she’s going to protest, but I cut her off. “You can’t. If this gets out to the wrong person, it’s not going to end well. We have to protect him until we figure out what’s going on.”

“Griggs,” she says suddenly, as if she’s just remembered. “Griggs has been asking questions about him. About Cal. No one is saying anything to him, but he’s asking.”

“All the more reason to keep this quiet. Mom, you know as well as I do that Griggs won’t let this go. We can’t give him any more reason to look at us. We can’t. I already think he—” I cut myself off before I finish.

“You think he what?” she asks me.

I already think he murdered Big Eddie. I think he was the one who ran him off the road. I think he’s hiding something out in the woods, and I think Dad knew about it. I think Griggs knew he knew. I think he ran him off the road and stood there in the rain and watched him drown.

I think he killed Big Eddie and I am going to kill him myself.

“I think he’d make this worse than it already is,” I say, averting my eyes. “We can’t take the chance of him finding out anything. Not until we know more.”

“Benji—” she starts again.

“Mom, just do me this favor, okay? Please don’t say a word. Not to the Trio, not to anyone. I need time to figure this out. I’m asking you for time.”

“How long do you think something like this can stay quiet?” she asks. “Everyone in town knows him. You let him walk around and show his face and get to know people like he was one of us. How long do you think it’s going to take before people start asking questions? If they haven’t already? How long, Benji?”