C is for Carter

I woke up the next morning feeling like I had barely slept yet had enough energy to run a marathon. Hopping out of bed, I grabbed a shower and picked out the clothes I wanted for the date that evening. I was probably going to take another shower before I left, so I figured I could get some of the nervous energy out by doing some work around the house.

Going for a walk helped clear my thoughts, and when I got back, I still had enough energy to chop some wood for the fireplace and the reserve blocks and run the riding mower over the grass in front of and behind the house. There was something satisfying in drinking a beer on my porch and looking out over a freshly cut lawn.

I checked my watch after putting a beer down my throat and saw I had enough time to grab a light lunch, watch some TV, and then get my second shower in. Having my day completely scheduled out and regimented helped me keep my nerves under control, and it was usually a habit I tried to fight. I found it harder to merge back into regular civilian life if I still thought like I was in the military, but when anxiety piled up, it was a tool I knew I could use.

Counting minutes by in my head was something I had done since I was wet behind the ears in the service. No matter what I was doing, it was like a little ticking clock was always going inside my skull, and I could glance at it anytime I wanted. I glanced at my watch again as I finished my sandwich and grimaced a little. I was hurrying through things because I was excited. That would mean I would be showered, dressed, and ready to go with nothing to do for an hour if I kept it up.

I had to slow down. And not think about it.

Which made me think about it more.

A thought occurred to me, and I pulled out my phone, pulling up Lauren’s contact and opening a text message thread. There was something that had been on my mind, and I wanted to run it across her. Specifically, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

The thing was, Lauren was an incredibly gorgeous woman. She was also extremely fun to be around. All that added up to me being exceptionally attracted to her, which made our friendship a little tainted. But I didn’t want any of my friends to know where we were in our process, on the presumption that one date might lead to more.

It wasn’t that I was ashamed or trying to hide her. Quite the opposite. I felt like everyone knew already how much I liked her. I just didn’t want anyone pressuring her if they knew we were seeing each other or prying to find out how serious we were. With us working together now, I didn’t want anyone thinking that something was happening while we were at work, for one. But also, if things didn’t work out, I didn’t want either one of us, or our friends, to feel awkward. She deserved the job I gave her, regardless of if we were dating.

I texted her a short version of those thoughts, mostly just that I didn’t want to let anyone know we were going on a date or where we were in a potential relationship. For privacy’s sake. After I hit Send, I sat on my couch, tapping one foot and waiting anxiously for her to respond, conjuring all kinds of ways she could take the message badly.

I was thinking the exact same thing, her response came in, surprising me. I haven’t told anyone about our date. For now, it’s just between the two of us. Following that was an emoji smile.

Grinning, I responded with one of my own.

With that settled, I felt a lot better about what the night was to bring. It wasn’t anyone else’s business but ours, and that meant that we could take it at our own speed, our own pace. If she wasn’t feeling it, then she could let me know, and I would peel back. It would suck, obviously, but I wanted her to be happy. If she wasn’t into me as much as I was into her, then I would deal with that accordingly.

The little clock in my head was still ticking. I had spent enough time that I could move on to the next thing. Putting the phone on the charger, I went into the bathroom and ran the shower again. It was time to get ready for the first date I had been on in a long, long time.

14

LAUREN

I’d forgotten what it was like to be excited about a date. Granted, I hadn’t gone on a real one in years. Ashton and I had fallen into that relationship routine where we would go do things together, but there wasn’t anything really special about it. We would grab dinner somewhere because neither of us felt like cooking, or he’d say he wanted to go see a particular movie and ask if I was going to come along. It didn’t feel like anything much different than going with a friend.