Lifeline

He is.

I cling to the man I just killed for, and even though I know I’d do it again, it doesn’t lessen the guilt weighing a ton on my soul.

“I’ve got you,” O’Brien whispers before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s a bitch taking your first life. I’m sorry it had to happen.”

I nod, burrowing closer to him, just wanting his strength to envelop me.

Over the past seven months, my infatuation and admiration for O’Brien turned into a love so profound I’d die if I ever lost him. Every second I get to spend with him is a blessing I don’t take for granted.

But he’s twelve years my senior and my mentor. He’s my partner, and I won’t risk what we have by telling him how I feel. I’ll take my love for him to the grave.

Getting to hold him, to feel his arms wrapped around me, quickly calms me until I’m able to actually take in how amazing it feels to be held by the man who owns every inch of my heart.

Though I’ve stopped crying, O’Brien doesn’t pull back. His arms don’t relax, his mouth still pressed to the top of my head.

‘I love you.’

His hold on me tightens for a moment, and it makes me feel cherished. Then he pulls back, leaving my body craving more of his touch. “Get cleaned up.”

I flick the light on, becoming aware of how awful I must look… and smell. Rushing to my closet, I grab a pair of shorts and a shirt before ducking into the bathroom. I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and cringe from the disheveled sight.

Knowing O’Brien’s in my bedroom, I hurry through my routine, not wanting to miss a second I can spend with him. Even if it’s under such dire circumstances.

Before I’m done brushing my teeth, the first flashback hits.

Kurti aiming at O’Brien. My body reacting, willing to die for the man I love more than anything. Slamming into O’Brien while firing my gun. The shots.

The shots.

The shots.

Dropping the toothbrush, I swing around and sink down in front of the toilet, heaving. My empty stomach lurches painfully.

I hear the bathroom door opening, and a moment later, O’Brien’s hands gather my damp hair, pulling the strands away from my face.

Nothing but air comes out, as if my soul’s trying to get rid of the stain the killing left on it.

My bullet hitting Kurti’s chest. The unbearable fear that I got to O’Brien too late. The intense relief when I saw him standing behind me. The glassy look in Kurti’s eyes.

My body starts to convulse harder, and I don’t realize I’m crying and no longer retching until I’m pulled into O’Brien’s body. Not caring whether it’s inappropriate, I straddle him, and burrowing as close as I can get to him, I press my feverish face into the crook of his neck.

His arms are steel bands of protection around me, his body’s heat seeping into mine.

It takes minutes before the wave of shock fades back into the shadows. Exhausted, I just lie against O’Brien. More time passes before I ask, “You ever kill anyone?”

He clears his throat. “Yeah.”

“Does it get better?”

It takes a moment before he murmurs, “No.”

His honesty brings on another wave of guilt and shock, but this time the tears fall silently until exhaustion takes me.

In the dead of night, I startle awake, only to have O’Brien’s arms tighten around me. He must’ve moved us to my bed after I fell asleep, and not wanting to see Kurti’s dead eyes, I burrow closer to the warmth coming from his body.

“You didn’t leave,” I whisper the obvious.

“Of course not.”

Most people find him abrupt and quick to anger. Not me, though. I quickly realized he just doesn’t have time or patience for bullshit, and it’s one of the things I love most about him.

“Thank you.”

“You’re my partner, JJ.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “We’ll get through this. Okay?”

I nod, my cheek rubbing against the fabric of his gray shirt that spans tightly over his chest.

“I didn’t think it would hit this hard,” I admit, the guilt rearing up inside me.

“Just keep telling yourself it was either him or me.”

His words slam into my heart, and unable to stop myself, I press as close to him as I can get, wrapping an arm around him and holding on tight. “Never you.”

God.

I won’t survive losing him. It’s just not an option.

Chapter 10

O'Brien

Three weeks later…

Sitting in the conference room, the whole team’s quiet.

I’m going undercover to infiltrate the Bregu Syndicate, and it doesn’t look like my team’s taking it well.

“I’ll be okay,” I try to reassure them.

Uncle Carl nods then rises to his feet. He stares at the hierarchy map on the wall. “You’ll hang out at Dobroshi’s restaurant.” Turning to face us, he continues, “So the plan is he gets used to seeing you around. At some point, you’ll give his car a flat tire then fix it for him.” My uncle pins me with a look of worry. “And we’re hoping that’s enough to give you an in with him?”