Beautifully Hurt (Beautifully Broken)

She blinks a couple of times, then whispers, “You.”

Rising to my feet, I place the bag on the floor and kick off my shoes. I sit down on the bed, and taking hold of Quinn, I pull her up the mattress until we can lie down.

I wrap my arms around her and just hold her. She rests her head on my chest, wrapping an arm around my waist. A heavy sigh escapes her as she closes her eyes.

“You can talk to me about anything,” I murmur.

Quinn only nods.

At first, she spoke about what happened, but after the funerals, she’s hasn’t brought it up again.

Dr. Altman gave Quinn medication for the panic attacks, and after counseling her for two weeks, Quinn was cleared to leave the hospital.

She hasn’t gone for her appointments with Dr. Altman, and I know she’s not taking the medication.

Worried, I ask, “You don’t want to meet with Dr. Altman again?”

Quinn shakes her head. “No.”

“The medication didn’t help?”

“No.”

Feeling powerless, I tighten my hold on her.

God, Quinn, don’t give up. Please.

QUINN

It feels like a tornado has swept through my life and wiped away every trace of happiness. It’s left devastation behind. Everything that added color to my life is gone, and I’m left with this gray wasteland. Just gray. Nothing else.

I have nothing left in me. No fight, no will – just nothing.

I want to stay in bed and let the darkness take me to where Katie is, praying the pain and insanity won’t follow.

I can’t.

My mind’s flooded with chaotic madness. I can’t focus on anything because focusing will lead to feeling.

It’s been three weeks since my life was shattered to pieces. The town has moved on while the devastation remains in me.

I want to scream to let it out. I want to claw at my aching chest to free the pain. But I can’t bring myself to do anything about it.

Tears burn behind my eyes, but they refuse to fall. It feels like my body has shut down every possible way for me to express how I feel. It’s keeping it all inside, and it’s ripping me apart.

I can’t.

I try to focus on the sound of Eli’s beating heart beneath my ear, and I start to count the beats.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Katie.

The photo of us flashes through my mind, and it makes my heart squeeze painfully. It was taken at Thanksgiving last year. I told Katie I was most thankful for her.

A breath shudders from me.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

For a rare moment, my thoughts turn to Eli and me. We’ve only been dating five weeks. “We missed our one-month anniversary,” I whisper.

“We’ll have plenty more to celebrate.”

“Katie never forgot a date. She cele –” My voice disappears, and I cringe from the hard blow of loss.

Eli turns us onto our sides, and his body wraps around mine. “I’ve got you.”

“I can’t cry anymore,” I admit to him. “It’s all stuck inside me.”

“Maybe if we talked about what happened, it will help?”

My lips part, and for a moment, I can’t make a sound, and then I finally manage to say, “When I fall asleep, I see Katie.”

“Nightmares?” Eli asks.

I shake my head. “No. We’re always sitting in their backyard. It’s weird. Sometimes it’s a memory, and other times, I’m aware she’s dead… and then she fades away.”

Eli presses a kiss to my hair.

“I want to sleep all the time, so I can see her.”

“That’s understandable.” Eli takes a deep breath. “Next time you see her, tell her I say hi.”

The corner of my mouth tugs up, and it catches me off guard. “You don’t think I’m insane?”

“No, everyone deals with trauma and loss in their own way.”

“Thank you,” I whisper as I press closer to him. “For everything. I wouldn’t have made it the past three weeks without you.”

“Told you I’m in it this for the long haul,” he murmurs.

I lift my head, and meeting his eyes, I ask, “Why are you so good to me?”

Eli stares at me for a long moment before he answers, “Because you’re mine, and it’s natural for me to want to take care of you.”

“I didn’t scare you off?”

He shakes his head. “Everything’s just made me a million times more protective of you.”

I rest my cheek on his chest, then admit, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again.” I swallow hard. “Like I was before it happened.”

“It’s understandable.”

God, he’s so patient with me.

Closing my eyes, I wrap my arm tighter around his waist as I snuggle into his side.

“Sooo… how are things with you and Eli?” Katie asks, the expression on her face telling me she expects to hear something juicy.

“Eli says hi,” I murmur.

Katie smiles. “He’s so sweet.”

“He is.” Knowing I don’t have long, I lean forward and wrap Katie up in a hug. “I miss you so much.”

“I’m right here,” she chuckles.

“You’re dead, Katie,” I force the words out. “Your funeral was two weeks ago.”