Three Summers

“Yeah, but he’s probably late. He was always late last year. He’s a total hottie, just a bit reserved. Just wait until you see him.” She wiggles her eyebrows and saunters away towards her chair. Just as I’m about to do the same, I hear the gate clanking. I turn around and have to place my hands on the lawn chair so I don’t fall over onto my face. My heart has gone soaring towards the ground and I’m pretty sure it has stopped beating. I grab my chest with my other hand to make sure I’m still alive, and sure enough, I am.

“Oh. My. God.” The words slowly drip out of my mouth and his gaze whips to mine. He stops mid-step and we’re both frozen in our spots. The boy I’m looking at is no longer the boy I remember. It seems Rowen has changed, too.

Three

I’m stunned, frozen, and unable to speak. I feel as if my heart was torn out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly. It’s unnervingly similar to the feeling I had the day I realized Rowen wanted nothing to do with me anymore. A million thoughts go crashing through my mind as I grip onto golden brown eyes. It’s like my mind is in a whirlwind and every single emotion that a human can have is suddenly swirling through my body.

I don’t know what to do and neither does he. He isn’t the boy I remember from a year ago. The last time I saw him, he was holding his grazed shoulder on the bleach-soaked floor of Finger Lickin’. My eyes avert to his shoulder, as if I can see the scar through his shirt. What are the odds that we’d both be working at the same place, again? Is this fate laughing at me? I can almost hear her snickers in the background. Neither of us move for a long time. Well, it feels like an extended amount of time; I know how time plays tricks on you when you’re in a state of panic.

Sash’s voice breaks me out of my trance and I quickly turn around and busy myself with my lifeguarding chair, struggling to even out my rapid breathing.

“Row, you’ve gotta be on time this year. I already promised Becky I would have a talk with you.” I feel tears welling in my eyes as I’m climbing to the top of my lifeguarding chair. I won’t look his way because if I do, I’m literally terrified I won’t be able to pick myself back up off this concrete slab.

“Hello, earth to Rowen?” I hear Sash raise his voice a little and brace myself for the sound of his voice. His voice used to be the most calming sound to my ears. It was always soft but rough at the same time. It was soothing, so soothing.

“My bad.” I cringe. His voice sounds just the same, maybe even a little raspier.

I sit on my lifeguarding chair as I wait for people to begin swimming, and try to calm the erratic beating of my heart. I’m on the verge of a panic attack; I can feel my throat slowly closing. I feel as if I’m trapped in this awful state of terror. With the sight of Rowen, his stunned state, the sound of his voice, and all the memories we have together thrashing in my brain, I know it’s coming. I just have to remember what my therapist told me, “Let the memories briefly pass through your mind. Acknowledge them, then let them pass by without a second thought. Don’t let them crowd you. Focus on your breathing.” I follow her ghostly instructions. I focus on my breathing and let them cascade through my mind. Breathe, hold, let out. Breathe, hold, let out.

“Are you okay, Sadie?” I peek down and see Sash standing below my lifeguarding chair. He’s squinting his eyes up at me, changing the roundness of them into little slants. He adjusts his hand over his eyes, as if he’s blocking out the brightness of the sun. “You look stressed… ” He says this quietly.

“I’m fine, thanks.” I counter with a sharpness to my voice. I really do appreciate his kindness but I need be left alone to focus on not having a full-on panic attack on my first day at work. Sash nods his head at me warily and slowly walks away. I beg myself not to look in Rowen’s direction because I know it won’t do me any good, but I just. Can’t. Help. It. It’s like he’s a magnet and his very presence causes my attraction. I look to my left and Morgan takes a seat on her chair, adjusting her sunglasses. She gives me a tiny wave. I look ahead and there’s Rowen, smackdab in the middle on the other side of the pool. Now I really have no choice but to look in his direction. He’s literally sitting right in front of me! Like he’s freaking taunting me. Breathe, Sadie. Just breathe.

It doesn’t take long for the pool to become crowded by families with their rambunctious children, splashing and spraying each other. Moms in giant, overpriced sun hats slather sunscreen on their five hundred kids, floaties get thrown by toddlers, and boys and girls of all ages are told repeatedly to stop running on the wet concrete. It’s a good distraction, watching the families swim together and listening to the moms gossip about the last function the club had. I almost forget that Rowen is here… almost.

Morgan has informed me that most of the lifeguards swim in the pool during break, just because it’s so hot on those tall lifeguard stands. The sun is blazing, and I finally have to take off my t-shirt. A self-conscious murmur flows throughout my exposed body, having my entire butt out for all to see, but it’s not like anyone is really staring at my butt, right? The only guys here are Sash and Rowen and sadly, it’s nothing Rowen hasn’t seen before. I mentally want to smack myself when I remember how Rowen used to grab my butt anytime I was in a bathing suit. He used to whisper in my ear after giving me a light, playful slap on the butt, “I’m a butt guy, I can’t help it.” I could feel his grin on my ear as he’d nip it impulsively with his teeth. It used to send shivers throughout my body. He had this strange effect on me.

“So, what do you want to do?” I look over at Morgan and she’s staring at me. I just got so lost in my thoughts of Rowen that I didn’t hear a word she said.

“What did you say? I’m sorry, I totally zoned out.” She laughs and shakes her head.

“I asked if you wanted to swim or go get a snack from the concessions.” I scan the pool for Rowen but I don’t see him, so I opt for the pool. At least I can’t be crowded by his presence in the pool.

The cool water feels refreshing on my warm skin, eliminating all my simmering thoughts of Rowen and the past. I dip in slowly at first. The cold takes my breath away, but it warms up in a few seconds and I’m suddenly dumping my entire head under the water. Morgan and I float carelessly for a few minutes as she fills me in on her senior year; she’s surprisingly going to Duke next year, which kind of excites me. Maybe I’ll have another friend, other than Alicia.

“So, how were the parties?” I laugh in her direction. Such a freshman thing to ask. Well, a normal freshman. I didn’t care much for parties at the beginning. I was a total hermit cowering in my dorm room like it’d protect me from all the evil in the world.

“I went to a few after Christmas break and they’re fun. They’re not super rowdy unless you head over to the frat houses, but they’re fun nonetheless.” She beams at my answer and starts rambling on about her roommate and how they’ve already met on a social media site.

They’ve planned their room out all the way down to their matching comforters. All while she’s talking my ear off, I spot Rowen under the shade standing near Sash. I swallow loudly and I know Morgan hasn’t a clue in the world, because she’s still jabbering on about school. I take in his appearance and notice all the subtle changes. His hair is no longer shaggy and messy. It’s a little longer on the top, and styled to the side. His face looks different, too. He no longer looks like a teenager; he looks like a man. His arms have grown dramatically in size, and I can assert that he’s been to the gym by the toned shadows splaying around the edges. I quickly avert my eyes from taking in his changed appearance, blinking rapidly and planting my gaze back on the shimmering blue water. Seeing Rowen doesn’t only tug on my heartstrings; it burns my entire soul. He has hurt me in a such a terrible and unforgiving way that I don’t even want to give him the satisfaction of a glance. I don’t even want to breathe the

same air as him. It’s going to be one very long summer.

When I get home from work, I sit in my car, staring at the black interior, and go over my actions of the day. I hang my head in defeat, closing my eyes only to be met with the smoldering feeling of my attraction to Rowen. I shake my head and shift my attention out the window, focusing on the red bricks that hold up my house. They look so fresh and unsoiled, and I fleetingly wonder what it would feel like to be refreshed and have a clean slate in front of me. The memories of Rowen, Samantha, and the last year weigh me down like all of those bricks are laying on my chest. If I were made of bricks, they’d all be scratchy, decaying, and full of cracks. I want to feel whole again. I want to erase every memory of Rowen and the attack. I want to erase it all. I never want to remember how he made me feel, and I especially don’t want to remember the after effects of that night. I’ve done so good at accepting what happened, but coming face to face with Rowen again… that is making it really freaking hard to keep my sanity.

“How was work, honey?!” My mom is opening the front door before I even reach the doorknob. I should have known they’d be waiting for me. They’ve probably been worried sick. I walk in the doorway and glance over in the living room. My dad is sitting on the couch with his white socks perched up on the coffee table, watching SportsCenter.

“It was fine,” I mumble.

“Are you okay? You look a little pale. Are you sick?” My mom’s warm hands feel my forehead, and I jolt away.

“I’m okay, just have a headache from being in the sun all day.” Lie. I do have a headache. It feels like my head is smashed between two truck fenders. It’s not from being in the sun all day, though. It’s from my minor panic attack. Anytime I’d have a panic attack in the past, I’d get a killer headache afterwards.

“It’ll take a while to get used to that sun.” My dad glances up from the tv then goes back to watching.

“Well, go get some rest. Maybe take a nap and I’ll wake you for dinner.” I smile gently at my mom and quietly thank God that it’s so easy to pretend I’m fine. If only my parents knew what my day really consisted of.

Four