You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

Tom puts on some heavy bass and the vibrations work their way through me as I take another corner too hard and fast, and this is when I see her. So pretty as she stands in the middle of the road, it wouldn’t have mattered if she wasn’t frozen in fear, I was going too fast to prevent any of it.

I slam into her and she rebounds off the windscreen before hitting the ground, I don’t know how many times she bounces as I come to a screeching halt.

“Fuck, fuck FUCK!” I scream as I bang my hand against the steering wheel, I go to release my belt when Tom closes his hand over my wrist and squeezes hard enough that I hear a pop.

“Don’t even think about it, get moving Henleigh,” his eyes are cold and hard, and fear is shooting through me as clarity tries to return.

“Relax man, she’s a smart lass, she knows she needs to drive otherwise something bad might happen,” Gary says with a crocodile grin.

I look in the rear view mirror and see a finger twitch as tears fill my eyes and that’s the only look I take, before shoving the car back into gear and driving away as fast as I can.

Four joints later and I still feel the guilt, but it’s not holding me under just yet. I’m dreading the moment I come down, please be okay, please be okay. No matter what happens, I know what I have to do, first thing tomorrow I’m turning myself in. I’ll face the consequences; I deserve to be punished. I’d drive this car into a canal right now with all of us in it, but that would be the coward’s choice. A way for me to get a somewhat happy ending by being reunited with Elliott. I don’t deserve a happy ending, mum was right. Elliott should have lived and I should have died that day. They took the wrong Monterey.

It’s like a bucket of ice has been poured over me, I have struggled to remember everything that went down that night, but it has all come flooding back. I never forgot what happened to Rebecca, but I think I must have shut my thoughts out and locked them inside a container that chose this moment to break and spill all my inner demons free.

The only thing that kept me from doing something fatally stupid that night was the fact that Rebecca deserved some semblance of retribution and to have someone pay for her injuries. At that moment I believed she would die, and I knew her ghost would always haunt me, the funny thing is, although she lived her ghost still haunts me. No amount of talking to her or apologising will ever make that go away and I don’t want it too. But I never want to come back here again, I don’t like how it makes me feel so worthless, pointless and a waste of air. I should go back to my parents house, if only I had a good memory here; it’s nothing but desolation and loneliness. Then again, doesn’t every place I have been to hold that? When do I stop blaming the place and realise I am the catalyst, maybe happiness cannot exist when I’m around.

“Elliott, I need you, you left me too soon. I wasn’t ready to face a world without you in it and I’m still not. I don’t know how to live, survive and be happy without you here to show, teach and guide me. Was it worth it? Whatever you did, was it worth the cost of your life? Because I don’t see how anything could be worth this craptastic existence,” tears a

re streaming down my face as I talk to the air and pray to whatever being is listening to give me a reason to keep pushing forward. “I need to know El, I wish you could tell me because I’m starting to think wherever I end up when I kiss this life goodbye, I still won't get to be with you and that makes the loss that much harder.” My body is trembling under the force of my emotion, it’s like all the colour has been removed from my world, it’s all black, white and so many shades of grey. I wish someone would give me the colour back.

I find a street far enough away that anyone following us won’t instantly know where we are, but close enough that we could get to it in a hurry. It would involve running, but I think that will be the least of our problems if someone finds us.

I’M WALKING home when I hear his voice, Tom fucking Beckly. I look down at what I’m wearing and a twisted smile spreads across my face, time for a little payback Tom. You should have shouldered a little bit of blame that night, time for you to taste your just desserts.

I walk around the corner, the streetlights shining down on me perfectly. I hear someone gasp and it does not take long for Tom to turn around and take me in with his usual leery undertones.

“Henleigh fucking Monterey, you are a sight for sore eyes. I was starting to think you’d never come back,” he says with his smile still in place as he comes closer.

I stay out of arm’s length but I don’t make it obvious, I just move as though I’m taking him in but it's far from that.

“Hey Tommy boy,” he has always hated that nickname. “You haven’t changed much,” I say with a slight touch of derision, rolling my eyes as I indicate all of him with my hand. “You’re still lacking in so many ways.”

“Ding dong the bitch is back,” he says, his eyes hardening as he tries to grab me and I slam the side of my hand down on his arm dislodging him instantly.

“Juvie was so much fun, you should give it a try some time,” I say with a deprecating laugh as I spin around on the spot with my arms stretched out wide.

“What do you want?” He asks, as his eyes fixate on my chest and the patch of skin he can see on my abdomen. Gotcha.

“I’m just passing through and thought we could have a little fun,” I reply, making his smile return instantly.

He reaches out for me again and I move into him this time as his mates holler at us, this is not going to end the way they envision. I lay my hands on his shoulders before I drive my knee up into his groin, as hard as I can. He falls to his knees, clutching himself as tears stream down his face.

“That’s just the beginning, watch your back Tommy boy. You don’t get to carry on as though nothing bad ever happened,” my voice reminds me of subdued thunder, not close enough to elicit fear just yet, but still packs a punch. “If what happened that night doesn’t haunt you then you are so far removed from your humanity that I’d be doing this world a service by running you down with my car,” hopefully I’m pulling off the ominous feel that I’m aiming for. I wouldn’t do it, but he doesn’t know that. I want him scared and fearing me. I never want our past to repeat itself and he won’t get off Scot free, not this time.

I turn around and walk away but I have every intention of making sure he gets his punishment, even if I have to drop his name with the local dealers around. I’m sure they’d love to know how much money he skims off the top for himself, he’s a very naughty boy and dealers don’t like their runners thieving.

WALKING through the front door and my feet carry me to the office door again, it’s still locked and it’s calling my name. I know I need to find a way of getting inside. I don’t really want to resort to breaking the window, but I will if I have too.

I have no idea where Harrison is, but I know my appetite is non-existent. I think I may just go to bed and face the door tomorrow. I will get inside that room and I will discover if he has any files that can clear the picture of Elliott’s life, even if just a little bit.

Climbing the stairs feels like conquering Mount Everest, I hate being back here. A house that was never and will never be a home, there are no memories to look back on fondly enough to cause a smile. There aren’t any pictures hanging on the walls, except from the ones that I put up in my room. It’s nothing more than brick and mortar and I cannot wait to leave.

I pause outside my door and lay my hand against the cool wood, as I press my forehead against it and I’m trying to remind myself that we’re only here for a couple of days and then we can leave. I won’t come back here, no matter what happens.

“Henleigh,” I don’t look up as I feel Harrison move closer. I bet if I push my hand out it will brush against him. I won’t do it, but I know I am right. Why is he standing so close and what is he looking for me to say?

I hear him sigh as he passes me and walks down the stairs, my own sigh is nothing more than an echo as I open my door and step inside. I’m met with so many photos of Elliott it makes my heart smile and cry simultaneously, I need you.