You’ll Never Have Me (Never 3)

“I can’t do this Eli, it’s too much,” I’m telling him to go, but my heart is screaming for him to keep fighting, trying to reach me.

“Let me see you, please Hen. Just once and then I’ll,” he’s hesitating to finish his sentence and I can hear the tears, “I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you truly want.”

No, no, no, no.

“Okay, just today and then you have to let me go for good Eli. I mean it,” I say through my own tears and I lack all conviction. I hate how weak they have made me, but I wouldn’t trade the memories for all the strength in the world.

It’s funny how he was already here; in the same town that Roxie lives in, it's no secret I was coming here but are they in cahoots?

I can see him waiting on a bench in the little park area, I chose Rochester because it wasn’t a long drive from where Roxie lives and it’s a beautiful place to visit. And the sweet shop has the most amazing fudge.

He looks up as I get closer and his eyes hold so many emotions. I can see his pain, anger, frustration and the happiness he’s feeling even though he’s trying to act cool and unaffected. Elijah can’t act for shit, he’s honest to a fault and I love that about him. It’s the same with his arrogance, it put me off when we first met but now I see it for what it is, his mask to hide his insecurities. It doesn’t work but it throws you off at first or at least, it threw me off and had me misjudging him right off the bat.

He’s up on his feet and racing towards me, but he stops as I lift my hand up, palm facing outwards towards him. I can’t let him hold me. If I do, I can’t be sure how this will end.

“Hen, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he says, and he looks so haggard and worn down. I’ve done nothing but make things harder for him and Noah, I never should have let them in.

“How you keeping big guy?” the nickname falls with very little thought and his eyes spark at the familiarity.

“I feel like hammered shit if that’s what you mean,” he sounds so sardonic. “I’m going to hold you now Henleigh,” he’s so definite and adamant that it will happen, but it won’t, it can’t.

“No, I can’t let you do that Elijah,” I whisper but my tone holds the unlined warning within it.

“Then punch me, kick me I don’t give two flying fucks. If this is the last time I get to see you then I’m going to make the most of it.”

He storms up to me and my heart is beating frantically, while my breath is releasing in choppy bursts. His big hands slide across my waist as he pulls me hard until I’m flush against him. I don’t think as I slap him across the face, but it only serves to strengthen his resolve as he presses his head into the crook of my neck.

I could hurt him, easily push him away but instead… my fingers are curling through his hair as I hold him in place. I can feel him shaking and my neck is feeling wet, my happy, cocky, big guy is crying, and it’s more than I can bear.

I’m going to pull away, put some much needed distance between us and tell him once and for all that I’m done with this. With him. Padstow is in my rear-view mirror and I’m never going to look back.

I tug gently on his hair and he moans a little before pulling back, we’re so close every time I exhale my chest brushes against his. His face is so close to mine and his gaze is filled with longing and a hunger that is scaring the ever loving life right out of me.

I’m pushing him away. Seriously push him away.

His eyes drop down to my mouth and my tongue darts out across my lips against my will. His eyes narrow slightly as he brings his face closer. His eyes are on mine but occasionally drop to my lips. He’s making his intent clear and giving me the option to stop it now.

Stop it Henleigh, don’t do this. It will only make the pain worse.

I can’t stop it and as his mouth connects with mine, it’s like I can breathe again, it’s wrong to need him so deeply but it’s impossible to fight. His tongue is exploring every nook and cranny I have, and as ours tangle together, his fingers spread out across my hips. They dig in so deep, I won’t be surprised if I find bruises later, and I don’t care if I do.

“Get a room, there are kids about,” someone shouts out, riddled with disgust at our antics.

Elijah pulls away, breathing hard and fast but he has a smile on his face again and he’s starting to look like my Eli again. I stroke my hand down the planes of his face, his stubble grazing my skin but I can’t stop. Needing to imprint his face into my mind, so even if I somehow forget my own name I’ll never forget him.

“I won’t see you again after today, will I?” His eyes are begging me to deny it, but I can hear it in the sadness coating his voice, he already knows what my answer will be.

“If I could have anything in this world, it would be you. Okay maybe give me two things so I can be greedy and keep Noah as well,” I say with a laugh, but the seriousness of this conversation makes it fall flat and die out quickly. “The thing is, I can’t have that and I can’t tell you why. I want you to be happy Elijah, I want that for all three of you. Please, try to be happy and believe me, you will find someone who deserves a guy like you. You all will,” pain radiates through the entirety of my being, I don’t want them to be happy with anyone else. I only want it to be me.

I need to stop being selfish. This is why I can’t allow myself to see him again.

“I don’t want anyone else, but I’ll stop trying to reach out to you if that’s what you want. I don’t want to do anything that could make this harder for you. And I know you’re struggling because I can see it in your eyes,” his hand is trailing down my cheek and catching the errant tears with the pad of his thumb. “Stay with me, just for tonight. Please don’t say no,” his eyes beseech me to not turn him away right now.

“It’ll only make it harder and hurt more,” I say weakly, my resolve crumbling as his eyes capture mine in their intensity.

“You’re worth all the pain,” he says before I’m back in his arms and he’s dominating my mouth with his own.

He leads me to his hotel room, his hand never leaving mine. I think he’s scared that if he lets go for even a second, I’ll run or maybe I’ll just