You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

“Benjamin came home to the sound of crashing from her bedroom, he ran upstairs thinking that she may have fallen over or something, only what he found was much worse. My mum was lying on her bed with blood pooling around her and Jason was standing over her with a knife poised over her stomach. He saw red, literally,” he lets out a dark, humourless laugh as he says this before shaking his head and returning his gaze to the distance. “My mum was 30 weeks pregnant at the time and the trauma nearly killed us both, I had to be born that day and spent two months of my life in NICU. He tried to stab me with the knife, but mum turned at the last moment, saving my life. She was on death’s door and her pulse had weakened. Benjamin saved her and my life.”

“Fuck, I can’t believe it. Out of everything you could have said, I wasn’t expecting that,” I say, utterly gob smacked.

“Benjamin called the paramedics while he beat the crap out of Jason, the guys turned up just before the ambulance arrived. They tried to stop him, but he was like a wild animal. They tried to get him to hide but he refused, he went to the hospital with my mum and then turned himself in. He even admitted that he would have killed him had he been given the chance, he never should have gone to prison but Jason was a cop and when Ben found out that he had been taken to the same hospital, well let's just say he tried to finish the job. Fucking irony for you, he was holed up in a hospital for months before he was arrested and paid his dues,” his shoulders sag and he seems lighter somehow. I think he’s relieved that he’s shared the story, and I didn’t even realise I had taken hold of his hand until he starts squeezing it.

We both look down at our joined hands and as it sinks in I realise, I’m not ready for this, as my skin breaks out in a cold sweat and I start to shake and hyperventilate. I don’t mean to make him feel bad by pulling away, but he doesn’t understand what I’ve been through or how Dante and Fin have messed me up.

“What, you can’t even handle my touch now? Okay, well I guess I should just leave you be,” his voice is thick as he says this and stands up, brushing off invisible lint from his jeans.

“It isn’t like that Elijah, I can’t handle it from anyone. Noah and Harrison have been trying to help me for months and it’s only just started to ease up with them. Anyone else, and a simple brush of the hand sends me right back down into that basement. So don’t make this about you, it’s about them,” I never pegged him as a self-centred arsehole, but then again I should have already realised just how little I know these guys.

“Do you hate me Henleigh?” That’s throwing me for a six, what’s with the sudden change or maybe he’s doing it because of the way my voice wavered as I spoke about my new found aversion to physical touch.

“I could never hate you, I love you Eli,” a heavy sigh passes my lips as I catch his gaze and hold it captive with my own. “I just don’t know what that means anymore or if it could be enough to fix everything that’s gone down between us. I hate that you’ve slept with someone else, even though I have no right to. I slept with Harrison and Noah, but I didn’t just move on, it took a while to open myself up to Harrison and see him in a different light. If that was the only thing between us, maybe love could be enough, but I can’t trust you,” I say, as I stand up and take a few backward steps.

“Why can’t you trust me?” he asks, he sounds so oblivious and I want to punch him, I haven’t had a reaction like that in a while. It feels good.

“Because you gave Amias the means to follow me, you invaded my privacy and stalked me, that isn’t something I can easily forgive,” I have nothing more to say right now, I need to leave and I’m done with talking to him.

I can’t even look back as I walk away and refuse to look back, even as he calls my name. I can stay strong, but the way his voice breaks is gutting me and if he calls me one more time, I think I may falter.

“Henlei

gh.”

“Just let me go Elijah,” I say, tears staining my cheeks and threatening to drown me under the intensity of my sadness.

“I gave up on you and that is the biggest mistake I have ever made, I won’t do that again. I’m going to fight for you Hen and I won’t stop until you show me I have fucked things up for good or you see that we make sense and you can no longer hold me back. I love you and I’m ready to start showing you,” my tears are falling harder and I know he wants to wipe them away but he doesn't try to come any closer. Instead he’s smiling weakly at me, before turning around and walking away.

THE GIRLS HAVE SETTLED in nicely, but they’ve brought so much stuff I'm starting to wonder if they’re going to leave once the weekend is up. I love these girls but I do enjoy my solitude and I doubt I’m going to get any with them here. Does that make me a bitch? Do I even care if it does?

We spend the rest of the evening lying on the living room floor with a ton of fluffy blankets and overstuffed pillows, they’re watchful to not touch me and I love them even more for it. We’re watching random crap on the tv, I don’t even know what’s on but the company is nice and hearing them talk about their drama is a welcome distraction from my own.

“Get this, Declan proposed,” Roxie suddenly exclaims, before scoffing and throwing herself onto the pillows.

“What did you say?” asks Bella, squealing as she bounces up and down on her knees.

“I said no of course, I love the guy but I’m not ready for that. I want to live a little and enjoy my youth, he wasn’t over the moon about my response but I think he gets it. I still want to be with him,” she says as she picks at her nails, and I can’t believe I never saw it before, she’s scared. She thinks she may lose him and she’s acting all cool and unaffected but I can see right through it, why can’t the other two. Seeing as they’ve known her longer than I have.

“He loves you, I can’t see him walking away just because you said no. He knows you’re crazy about him, don’t worry,” I don’t know if my words are having the intended effect but she is smiling before quizzing Mikaela on her college and if there are any cute boys who may have caught her attention. Bella just sits there, bouncing as she listens, but her eyes are slightly glazed and I have the feeling that she is a million miles away.

I can’t help but stretch out as I blink my eyes open and let out an almighty yawn, the others have clearly passed out at some point too so I don’t feel too bad abandoning them down here and going to my bed. The only thing is, I don’t want to be alone, I want to be with my guys. I wish I knew if that still only applies to Noah and H, but whether it does or doesn’t, they are the only guys I need, I’ll never be left wanting with them around.

I move slowly, trying not to disturb them, when a phone screen lights up and vibrates across the table. It’s so close to the edge that I can’t help imagining it falling and breaking the screen. I have no intention of reading the message or anything, but I cannot believe my eyes as it lights up once again and the message swims before my eyes. I lay it back down quickly before running up the stairs and disappearing into my room and getting changed.

I really don’t want to be alone, especially after what I just saw, maybe I got it wrong though. I mean, I did read it out of context and it could have been from anyone, be that as it may, it won’t stop me from watching to see who is holding that phone come morning.

I open the door and poke my head inside and he’s there, sitting in his bed staring right at me. A smile is gracing his face as he flips a corner of the duvet open and pats the spot behind him.

“Is this okay?” I ask, as I lie down and rest my head on his chest, his wraps his arm around me gently and I only flinch a little this time.

“You never need to ask me that woman, I’d have you in my bed every damn night if I could,” H says with a wicked grin and I can’t help but return it with a smile of my own before dropping a kiss onto his mouth and relaxing more.

“Thank you for, well just being you,” I say, peering up at him through my lashes and I can’t help but stare at his lips as his tongue darts out to wet them.

No matter what happens, I always seem to want them, I hope that feeling never goes away. I kiss him again as he hovers over me slightly and doesn’t pull away until my lips are bruised and I’m struggling to remember my name. The power of his kisses, jeez this guy could rule the world.

WAKING up in H’s arms is amazing, I feel warm, safe and loved. It’s almost enough to make me forget all about the text I saw last night, almost.