You'll Never Lose Me (Never 4)

We spend some time rehearsing, with Mikaela falling into the roll as our biggest fan before Roxie declares, “I’m starving, who fancies Chinese food?” to the entire room and sure, I could go for something to eat.

“Does it have to be Chinese?” Bella whines but Roxie shoots her a strange look and Bella’s smile returns.

“Okay, okay. Chinese food it is. Do you want me to put in the order?” She asks.

“You know, I feel like getting some fresh air, why don’t you and baby girl go over the set list again and I’ll run and get it,” she gives the girls a quick hug before smiling gently at me and sets off for food.

“IT FELT a little tense in there today,” Sawyer points out unhelpfully, I’m glad he’s driving us back, I’m feeling so worn out.

“There’s something about Ivy and Roxie that no one will tell me about, Roxie claims one thing but the other two definitely felt as though she was leaving vital information out of her story. Not that it mattered as Roxie lost her shit and stormed off, I just don’t understand why she won’t tell me. I’ve told her everything, trusted her when I had no one else, why can’t she do the same with me?” The hurt I’m feeling is spilling over into my words and my eyes are stinging with my unshed tears, am I not trustworthy?

“Some things are hard for people to speak about, you shouldn’t take it personally. Besides, I heard you say you’ll be performing, that’s amazing little lady,” he says with a megawatt smile and his happiness must be contagious because I’m suddenly feeling a little better.

I’m still smiling as he pulls up outside our flat and I’m not going to waste any more time getting upset, besides I’ve made my decision. I’m going to hear Leah out, even if I’m not sure I want to.

Strange... Where’s Ivy?

“Ivy, you here?” I call, checking the kitchen and bedrooms, before glancing a look inside the bathroom. She’s not in there either.

I guess she went out, but I could have sworn she said she was staying in today and my

memory is never wrong. I mean she could have changed her mind, maybe she left a note somewhere?

I hunt through the living room and Sawyer checks the kitchen for me and I have no idea why my chest loosens when he brandishes a slip of paper before me. Was I worried about her? Of course I was, Dante is still out there and I still don’t believe he’s gone for good. He failed in killing me, would he really just let things go?

Hey sweetie, I was getting a bit stir crazy stuck in here so I’m going to paint the town red. I should be back later but don’t worry if I’m not, who knows I may meet Mr. Right. (Imagine I’m winking at you as you read that part) Anyhow I will see you soon and don’t worry I won’t miss your night, I’ll be right at the front screaming your name.

Pixie

“I take it she’s okay?” Sawyer asks, scanning the fridge for something to eat, I swear he never stops bloody eating.

“Yeah I guess so,” I say distractedly, it’s her writing for sure, but something feels off. I just don’t know what or why I feel this way. I’m so fucking paranoid now.

“I’m going to go to bed,” I say, as I walk out of the kitchen, I can feel Sawyer staring at me but I can’t bring myself to say anything. I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, an ominous and gut wrenching sensation that my whole world is about to go crumbling into ash and all I can do is stand here and watch it happen.

FIFTEEN

IVY NEVER CAME HOME last night, I guess she must have found Mr. Right or at least Mr. Right now. As long as she’s happy and safe, then I’m happy for her. But that niggling feeling won’t go away, it feels as though there’s a thousand snakes moving around in my stomach and I barely got any sleep last night. I feel so fucking rough and my good mood is non existent, if this carries on it may become extinct!

Beep.

Yay, a text. Can’t wait to read that. Drop the attitude you sarcastic bitch.

Coffee first then I’ll deal with whatever it is, I mean sure it could be one of my guys but my luck isn’t on point right now.

“Hey sunshine,” Sawyer calls as soon as I walk into the kitchen and I’m sure my death glare is enough to tell him how much I appreciate the new nickname.

“Okay then… I’ll be in the living room,” he says carefully, before hurrying away. Smart man for sure.

I’m inhaling my coffee before taking a deep mouthful, it’s still too hot but I don’t care right now. Although I think I should probably check my phone in case it’s important, it may even be Ivy.

Unknown: Okay, so I’m going to stop asking my ‘friend’ for updates on you, you were right Little cub I’m not helping to make you strong. Turning up and stressing you out, it’s far from helpful. So, I’m going to delete your number and erase this message so I don’t have it and I won’t be turning up out of the blue again, this isn’t me giving up because the ball isn’t in my court anymore. This is me saying that I heard you, what I did was wrong but none of it was fake. I will leave you alone now but if you decide you aren’t ready to say goodbye just yet, then I will be here. It’s up to you now Hen, let me go or hold on either way I will respect your decision.

I’m not going to reply, just like I’m not going to wipe my tears away and pretend they aren’t falling. However, I can’t stop myself from saving the number and as the tears slide down my cheeks, they even hit a smile I didn’t know was forming.

Maybe today is the day I need to face my past and move on from it. Which means, contacting Leah and finding out what she has to say and then closing that chapter of my life for good. I think I can use this cathartically, say goodbye to all my bullies in one fell swoop and no longer look back on those days with bitterness and anger. I won’t let it affect me anymore.

Me: Elijah said you wanted to talk, so this is me talking. What do you want Leah? I’ve got to say I’m surprised you would even want to reach out.