Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

“And?” I ask. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“Of course it is,” he says hurriedly. “Lily would be devastated if she and her mother couldn’t be friends. This is great for both of them.”

I’m not sure I’m keeping up. I frown at him, trying to work out what the problem is, because there’s definitely a problem, somehow. Yet, Ethan says the day went well and that Polly and Lily got along…

My thoughts stutter to a halt.

Oh.

“Ethan,” I say gently, and he winces, knowing I figured it out. “Lily isn’t going to suddenly say she wants to live with her mother because they had one good day together.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about!” Ethan protests, but he doesn’t quite meet my eyes.

“No, but you are worried about losing time with Lily,” I say calmly. “And you’re stupidly, irrationally worried that, eventually, Lily will love Polly more than you.”

Ethan flinches. Bingo.

“Which is never going to happen, you know,” I add. “Lily adores you and everything you do for her. Even if she grows to love her mom, she’ll always love you just as much. And probably more; you’re the one that raised her, you’re the one that’s always been there. Polly is never going to have the same connection with Lily that you have.”

“I know that,” Ethan mutters.

“You don’t, or you wouldn’t be so scared that you dropped Lily off at Allison’s so you could talk to me about this,” I say.

Ethan snorts.

“Lily was pretty confused, though happy to sit and watch some movies over there,” he confesses. “So were Allison and Kyle. But...I just needed to get this off my chest.”

“I understand,” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. “But, Ethan, listen closely to me, now, because I want you to hear me very clearly on this. Stop being such a damn idiot.”

Ethan laughs.

“Yeah, I am being pretty stupid, aren’t I?” he says, shaking his head. “But…Lily is going to spend more time with Polly, especially on weekends. I normally get weekends with her, but some of those Saturdays and Sundays she’s going to want to see her mom.”

“That’s normal, Ethan,” I say. “It just means you’re going to need to adjust a little for that. It’s not going to be easy at first, but I know you’ll be fine. Polly isn’t going to take Lily away from you.”

“I’m used to it being me and Lily,” Ethan says, grimacing. “It feels like Polly is intruding.”

She is, in a way, but Ethan doesn’t need to hear that. What he needs is to center himself and remember that Lily loves him and isn’t going to leave him just because her mother is suddenly on the scene.

“It’s going to be fine,” I say again. “Just wait and see. Polly won’t want Lily to live with her, anyway. She doesn’t want children, remember?”

“She didn’t want them ten years ago,” Ethan says pointedly. “A lot can change in that time.”

“Then if she wants children, she can have them with her new husband,” I say. “Come on, you’re just getting paranoid again. I hope you didn’t call me around just so you could tell me about your conspiracy theories.”

“No,” Ethan says, half laughing. “I just needed the company, is all. Last thing I want is to start drowning my sorrows in beer. I’ll probably do something stupid.”

Abruptly, all the air in the room seems to drain as the same thought occurs to us both. One week ago, Ethan did try to drown his sorrows in beer, which caused us both to do something extremely stupid. Memories of that night flash through my mind, despite how hard I try to suppress them, and I see Ethan pale and look away.

On Sunday, when Ethan tried to talk to me about this, I cut him off. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I risked him being perceptive enough to pick up on my feelings. So, just like ten years ago, I cut the conversation dead and directed it elsewhere.

It’s a lot harder this time, though. Ten years ago, Ethan was a mess. He didn’t want to think about what happened between us, because it was just one more thing for him to dwell on and feel bad about, so it was easy to convince him to just forget about it.

In the present, however, Ethan is a lot stronger. He tried to talk about what happened, and now, i

t’s clear that he hasn’t forgotten about it either.

“Georgia…” Ethan says slowly.