The One who got Away

Chapter Twenty Three – Ben

“Mom?” Is that her? I can barely see, my eyes are so blurry. I think that’s her though, it looks like her shape. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m sick of this,” she says while pushing past me. “I’m sick of coming into this house and seeing you in a mess.” I want to tell her to stop coming, but I don’t bother. It feels like too much effort. “You cannot tell me that you’re still drinking today for a business meeting. It’s ten in the morning. That pathetic excuse won’t roll today.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Mom, that really isn’t any of your business.”

She spins around rapidly to stare at me with nothing but sheer anger in her eyes. “None of my business? Are you serious, Ben? None of my business?” She steps closer to me and points her finger dangerously close to my face. “You left a girl who sounds perfect for you, who’s carrying your baby by the way which I know even if you won’t admit it to me, because you want to focus on your business. But you aren’t, are you? You’re pissing your life away in the next bottle you can find. You won’t even let me contact Serena myself. You’re denying me of the chance to be a grandmother. If you don’t want to be a father then fine, I don’t like it but you’re old enough to make your own choices. To keep me away is just selfish.”

“Mom, it’s been four months. She won’t want to hear from either of us now.”

“Are you insane?” she snarls at me. “Who the hell are you to make that sort of choice for someone else? You aren’t even giving her a try.”

The world is spinning around me, I need to sit down. I crash into the first chair I can find. Mom’s words twirl around me, but I’m still too drunk from last night to focus on any of them properly. “I don’t know what to say to you, Mom. I think by this point it’s just better for us both to keep out of Serena’s life.”

Mom sits down opposite and she gives me an intense look. It’s hard for me to focus, but her piercing eyes get through. “Can you honestly tell me that you don’t miss Serena? That you aren’t interested in the babies at all?” I shrug childishly, unable to answer her. “Then you need to make an effort. You need to clean yourself up.”

“I can’t, it isn’t that easy.”

Mom sighs loudly and she shakes her head. “Son. I’m going to tell you something now that I haven’t told you before, because I never wanted to damage your view of him...”

“Him, who?” I ask. There’s a horrible sensation in my heart that I’m not going to like what comes next.

“Your father.” Yep, I’m right. This is definitely something I don’t want to know. “He was a wonderful man, don’t get me wrong, and we had a great marriage... but right now, you remind me of him.”

“What do you mean?” I gasp out thickly.

“I mean... he had an addictive personality and I think you do too. He could never just drink, he always had to end up wasted. He could never just do something, he had to go all out, dedicating everything to it, a bit like you and your business.” I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate that, but it feels nice to have a connection to him. “Sometimes that sent him into self destruct mode. A bit like you, right now. I remember this all the time with him. It was hard for me, a battle every day during his outbursts, and then of course it eventually killed him.”

“Huh?” That catches my attention. “But I thought that he was caught in a crash with a drunk driver on the way home from work?” That’s what I’ve always been told, why would I believe anything else? I wait impatiently for Mom to explain.

“Oh he was killed by a drunk driver alright, but it was him.” She grips onto my hand and gives me a stare. “I never wanted to tell you this because I didn’t want to taint your opinion of him when he wasn’t around to defend himself. But now I think you need to know. He was driving home from work, but he was wasted and he drove straight into a tree.” Her eyes flicker downwards, she looks absolutely gutted. “I always warned him something like that would happen, but he wouldn’t listen. It didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t ever save him. I really want to be able to save you.”

My heart sinks, her words actually affect me. I cannot believe it. My dad went down a spiral, a bit like what I’m doing right now, and it killed him. Maybe that will happen to me too, maybe it’s in my genes, I just don’t know. I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want to end up ploughing my car into a tree in a drunken state.

“I know this might come as a shock to you, Ben, and I do apologise for keeping it from you, I just thought it was the right thing to do. Now I’m not so sure that it was.”

“Y... yeah,” I don’t know what to say. My head feels way too fuzzy to be dealing with this nightmare. “It is a bit of a shock.”

“Well I just hope that it helps. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go to bed and sleep this off, let it all sink in a bit. I’ll ring your office and make sure everyone else has it under control. Then I’ll tidy this place up. When you get up again we can really have a talk about things and think about what you want to do next.”

All the fight has zapped from my body, which is probably because I think Mom might be right. I’m certainly not happy at the moment and nothing is improving in my life. I can’t seem to party like I used to, I can’t manage the balance between having fun and totally losing control. Something inside me has changed irrevocably and I can’t seem to get it back. I think it’s time to give up and to try it someone else’s way. I’m ready to relinquish control of my life for now to see if someone else can do a better job.

“Thanks, Mom. I think I will.”

As I stagger upwards I fall forwards slightly and Mom catches me. As she pulls me in for a hug I allow her to do so because I really need some comfort. Pushing everyone away has always been what I’ve done, but it’s never hurt this much before. Serena has done more than get under my skin, she has crawled in there and set up home and now I want her back.

“It’s two babies, Mom,” I admit quietly. “She’s having twins.”

“Oh, Ben, you are going to have to make it up with her. You do understand that. Don’t you? Especially now, one baby is hard enough but two... plus I really want to be a part of their lives.”

“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry. I’ve been an idiot, but I won’t let that happen again. I promise you.”

She pulls back to look at me, gives me a sweet smile then sends me off to bed. As I go all I can think about is her words. I do need t o make it up to Serena, that makes so much sense. I want to as well. I probably should wait until I’ve slept and I can speak to her in a much more sensible way, but there’s a deep itch in my chest that needs to do it now. Like right now. With the alcohol still coursing through my system I can’t help myself, I need to know right now.

Screw it.

I pull out my phone and hit dial just as I fall into my bedroom. I collapse onto my soft bed and wait for her to answer. I’m still not sure she will, I do think I might have left it too long, but I need to at least try.