The One who got Away

“Who?” Mandi’s eyes widen in surprise. She can probably see from my face that it’s serious. “I don’t know.”

“Z… Zane.” I can’t stop myself from stammering as I say it. “Zane Morris.”

She slumps down in the chair in front of me, forgetting about all her offers of food and drinks as these words wash over her. She looks about as pale and green as I feel as she considers what this means. Thank God I don’t have to explain how much this turns my world upside down. Mandi just knows.

“Oh my God,” she gushes. “Are you serious? What the hell is he doing back here?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug helplessly. “I just know that he’s back. Probably for good.”

“Wow.” Mandi gives me a look out the corner of her eyes. “And… what does that mean?”

“Huh? What does that mean? I don’t know what it means. It’s just really weird, isn’t it?”

“I guess what I’m asking is what it means for you, Leah. Did you feel anything when you saw him?”

“I…” I wish that I could deny it but I know I can’t. it’s obvious, Mandi can probably see it. “I don’t know.”

“Did he give you the same shivers that he used to? Did he make you feel all sexy?”

I remember that lustful look in his gaze. He wanted to devour me, I could almost see him wanting to sink his teeth into me as he stared at me, and I’m pretty sure that if he tried anything I wouldn’t have been able to resist. I know that makes me a terrible person, but he has that magnetic pull over me. I guess it’s because I liked him when I was a teenager, and he was my first everything. There’s a connection there that I can’t get rid of. But that doesn’t make it right, that doesn’t mean I need to actually think of him in that way again. I can’t.

“He just made me feel strange.” At least that’s honest. “I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

“I see.” Mandi nods along for a few seconds. “So, it was different to how you feel when you’re around Patrick.”

I sigh loudly, not wanting to think too much about this. But I suppose that’s why I’m here, to listen to what Mandi has to say. Maybe I don’t always want to hear it and I won’t always listen, but still. I need to know.

“It’s different with Patrick, isn’t it? You know that. I don’t ever have to worry when I’m with Patrick, he doesn’t make me nervous or uneasy. I don’t ever feel like I’m on a roller coaster while I’m with him. But that’s better, isn’t it? Chasing danger, thinking about boys that are wild, that’s all just childish now.”

Mandi doesn’t speak for a while and I can feel a tight knot of tension forming in my chest while I wait for her to answer. I need her to say that I’m right, that I’m making the adult decision for a smart future. I can see where me and Patrick would lead, and it isn’t the worst picture in the world. We will slowly fall into a dependable love, then we’ll move in together. One day, he’ll take me out for a nice dinner and propose, so we’ll have a small wedding. After that, we will move into a sensible property so we can eventually fall pregnant and have our children; a girl and a boy called predictable names like Laura and Luke. An easy, carefree life without the ups and downs that come with inte

nse excitement and danger. The highs might be fun, but the lows are so bad that they overshadow everything. I don’t know if I have the emotional ability to go through that.

“I am going to be brutally honest with you,” Mandi declares. “Just like I have been in the past, but this time I want you to really listen to me.” I nod so that she knows I understand her. “You and Patrick are the most incompatible people that I’ve ever met in my life. You don’t have anything in common at all.”

Woah… now I find that shocking. I haven’t ever thought about our relationship in those terms, I just think about how good he is for me, how dependable and reliable he is. That’s all I care about.

“Just because we’re a little bit different, doesn’t mean we’re incompatible,” I huff.

“I don’t think you see it because you want it to work so badly, but you don’t. You have always been studious, but you like having fun as well. I don’t ever see you laugh with Patrick.” I shift uncomfortably in my seat as I rack my brains trying to think of an example to prove her wrong. “He’s always trying to make you go to the gym, and that isn’t ever going to be you.” She holds up her hands to stop me from protesting. “And I know that you have a membership and that you ‘just haven’t found the time yet’ but what that really means is you don’t want to go. “Also, Patrick doesn’t push you. He never makes demands of you which I don’t think is a good thing.” She smiles to herself. “Jon is always challenging me, making me see things differently. He’s always pushing me to be better. Even when it annoys me, I want to be pushed. I want to feel like there’s more I can do.”

I do not like the picture she’s painting one bit. In temper, I cross my arms over my chest and pout like a child. “Maybe I’m not like you,” I shoot back. “Maybe I prefer things to be easy and simple.”

“You might for now,” she reminds me. “But that will bore you soon enough, and I haven’t even brought up sexual chemistry yet because the pair of you do not have a scrap of it between you.”

This brings a heat up to my chest. One drunken night I might have confessed that Patrick doesn’t really know how to work my body and that even when I explain things to him, he doesn’t quite get it. I don’t think he wants to hear it to be honest. I wasn’t trying to bad mouth him when I said those things, but I suppose in light of the chemistry that me and Zane shared on that fateful night it might now seem like another point against him.

“So, you’re saying that I should get rid of my perfectly nice boyfriend to chase after some tattooed biker bad boy who screwed me over the first time around and who doesn’t seem to ever want anything serious? That seems like terrible advice to me. Talk about not having anything in common. We share nothing.”

Mandi looks nonplussed at my outburst. “You might have more in common than you think, and actually at least you have the intense sexual chemistry. That’s a good place to start. The rest will follow.”

I can’t believe it, for a second, I actually soak in her words and I consider them. We’re older now, both me and Zane. He’s definitely ‘the one who got away’. Maybe this isn’t a chance meeting but a second opportunity to make things work. Maybe, I should take a step back and just give him a try to find out for sure…

“No.” I shake my head determinedly. “You’re getting into my head, but I can’t. I have Patrick, we’re committed to one another. Just because our level of commitment might not be the same as other people doesn’t make us wrong. We’re happy, we’re content. I don’t intend to shake that up just because Zane is back. He screwed me over once, he’s more than capable of doing it again. Even if he did say sorry…”

“He said sorry?” Oh God, I should have known that Mandi would leap on that. “Oh wow, that’s huge. For a guy like that to apologize for his behavior, that’s massive. That must mean…” She spots the daggers that I’m shooting her way. “But it doesn’t matter what it means because you are already very happy. Sorry. I know that you just told me that, I should be a bit more respectful, I don’t mean to look like I don’t understand your choices, I’m just trying to let you know that you aren’t stuck. There are other options out there…”

I breathe out a sigh, one that should be of relief but I don’t know really. I feel deflated, like a balloon that’s been let down. I was all fired up because of Zane and now I’m just back to feeling a little empty over him. In a weird way, it’s always just been terrible timing between us. Maybe if things had been different, we could actually try and now see. But they aren’t and I need to accept that.