Broken

“Are you okay?” Tia asks me cautiously for what feels like the hundredth time. “You don’t look great, Serena.”

“So you’ve told me,” I grumble back. My hand rubs my aching stomach and I gulp, trying to keep the sickness inside. “I don’t know really. I’m sort of okay. I mean, I don’t think I’m sick enough not to be at work, but I definitely don’t feel like myself.”

“You’re, like, nauseous?” Tia rubs my arm gently. “And a little dizzy? Your stomach hurts too?”

“Yeah I guess so.” I shrug. “Why is there something going around?”

“Go home,” she insists quickly. “I’ll get Brian to cover your shift. He’s been begging for overtime anyway. I think what you need to do is go home, rest, and think.”

“Why? What’s wrong with me?” Her urgent tone makes me panic. I suddenly fear that there’s some alien virus that’s racing through my body too fast for me to stop it. “Do I need to see a doctor?”

“Maybe.” She steps in closer to me and whispers into my ear so no one else can hear me. “But on your way home I think you might want to stop off at the drug store. You might need to pick up a pregnancy test... just to be sure.”

“No,” I shoot back immediately. Denial fills my body completely. “There’s no way I can be...” My words trail off when I realise that me and Ben have been stupid in a lot of ways. We haven’t always used protection, sometimes... okay, a lot of the time, in the heat of the moment we forget. I cringe, realising that I should have always insisted on it. What sort of woman doesn’t insist on protecting herself?

My hand falls away from my belly as I realise that I might just be holding a baby in there... one I didn’t recognise before. Is it possible that there might be an actual human life inside of me? How could I not know? Surely I should know?

“Oh my God, Tia,” I gasp. “What if I’m pregnant?”

“You might not be,” she retracts a little once she sees how freaked out I am. “But I think you should do a test, just to rule out the possibility.”

I give her a desperate look, wishing that she could just have all the answers for me. I don’t like this unknown, it’s utterly terrifying, my head is all over the place and I guess it will be until I get the truth. “Are you sure Brian will come in?”

Tia nods. “Just go, Serena. Go and find out for sure.”

As I head into the back room to grab my coat and bag I see that my hand is shaking. I’m so nervous, it’s probably a good thing that Ben isn’t here tonight. He had some big business meeting which I’m so grateful for. There’s no way I’d be able to deal with all of this with him here. It’d be too much.

Oh God, Ben... how will he take the news?

I shake my head, refusing to get stuck on that thought until I know for sure. There’s just no way I can get lost down that rabbit hole of thought until I’ve seen that positive pregnancy test. All of this worry could be for nothing. There’s a big chance that I’m just sick, that it’s nothing more.

But somehow, I feel like I know...

“Bye, Tia,” I gush as I leave. She’s on the phone, probably calling Brian. I hope he comes in, I don’t want her to be left by herself, but right now this isn’t my top priority. Right now, I need to get to the nearest late night drug store.

I race through the busy streets, refusing to look at anyone as I go. I’m sure there’s a place on the corner that I might be able to get something from. My mind is on the prize, I can’t even consider anything else. My heart is racing, my stomach is churning, there’s an aching in my womb which right now feels suspiciously like a baby. Not that I know what it feels like to have a baby inside me of course. I’ve never been in this position before.

Oh thank God. The store is open so I rush inside. I head straight for the family planning aisle where I grab a handful of pregnancy tests. I know myself well enough to know that one won’t be enough. I won’t trust it if it does turn out positive. I need to be on the safe side. My eyes flick up to the sweaty, spotty teenage boy behind the counter and wonder how much he’s going to judge me. He probably sees things like this all the time, but not from me... maybe I should grab a few extra things, just so I don’t look like I’m just here for this.

Oh screw it, I am only here for this.

I decide to forgo embarrassment and to just go for it. Who the hell cares what this kid thinks of me? It isn’t like I’m going to see him ever again, I certainly don’t intend to make a habit of this. If the test turns out negative then I will always insist on protection. I won’t get into this pickle again, if I intend to get pregnant, that’s the only moment I will have sex with nothing.

“Here,” I grumble, chucking the boxes on the counter. “Can I get these?”

The boy doesn’t even look at me, much to my relief. He rings the items up and gives me the price. He must be more used to this than I thought. Maybe I’m the least interesting desperate pregnant lady that he’s ever come across. If that’s the case, then I’m actually glad to be boring.

With my paper bag of shame clutched to my chest, I break free from the drug store and I jump into a cab. Usually I would walk or get Ben to call me a car to get to his home, but I need to get back quickly and discretely. It’s worth the money for the cab so I can do these tests in the privacy of Ben’s bathroom... God, this situation is fucked up.

I shake my knees nervously all the drive along. The guy driving the cab probably thinks I’m a real weirdo. I don’t care though, I feel weird myself. It’s almost like I’m having an out of body experience, like I’m looking down at myself wondering how I managed to get myself in such a total mess.

Once I arrive at Ben’s, I leap out of the car and hand the driver the cash to pay for the ride. Then I race to the front door and I push my way inside. I pause for a second, listening out for any signs that anyone else is in but there’s a silence ringing through the house that suggests I’m alone. Thank goodness.

As I run to the bathroom I pull my cell phone out and I call the only person in the world that I want to discuss this with. I

haven’t told her anything yet, I haven’t managed to speak to her since Ben finally said the L word to me, so this will come as a surprise, but I still want to chat with her.

I just hope that she answers.