Broken

I stared down at the turkey baster on the counter, feeling my headache coming back with a vengeance. It had been over a month since I last talked to Dex. It had been over a month since he stared at Seth and then jumped away from the table, bolting from the house like he was on fire. Part of me already knew what he was thinking, he wasn’t a stupid man. The other part of me wondered if I was overthinking it and it was just what I always knew would happen. That night had been amazing, revealing, and emotional for both of us. We left his penthouse on cloud nine, floating through a haze of emotion and attraction. My heart had never been so full, nor did I think it would ever reach that point again. As we rode through the streets of New York City on our way to Brooklyn, I felt safe and whole in a way I hadn’t before.

Since then, I went through the stages of grief like someone who lost a close relative or friend. I was in denial that Dex could just up and abandon me like that without a single word, especially if he figured

out that Seth was his son. I was angry that he allowed me to get my hopes up. He strung me along, took my family for a special day at the pumpkin patch, and made love to me in his own bed. He held me all night, not letting me get even an inch away from him. He got my hopes up that he was really starting to see us as a couple and not just two lustful teenagers who banged whenever he happened to be in town. I was in despair and that broken heart kept me awake for many nights after he left. I told myself to prepare for the broken heart but after that last night in his apartment, I gave up and actually thought there was no reason to prepare. I let myself believe he would stick around this time. I was so stupid.

I looked over at my mother as she pulled the turkey from the oven and smiled kindly at me. She knew what was going on, even if I didn’t tell her. After Dex disappeared, she had purposely taken Seth out for several days, letting me sleep and be alone in my grief. I breathed deeply, trying to get the constant lump in my throat to disappear. I looked up as a knock on the door echoed through the house. I opened the door to find my best friend and her new husband standing cheerily on my doorstep. She was holding a bottle of wine with a tan that her matched her husband’s. For a second, I almost forgot how sad I felt, happy to have my best friend back to spend the holidays with. I hugged Natalie hard and long, knowing she was going to feel the pain in my chest.

“You guys look so amazing,” I said with excitement. “How was your trip?!”

“Girl, it was so beautiful,” Natalie said, taking me by the arm and walking toward the kitchen. “The water was blue, the skies were clear, and the little coconut drinks were plentiful.”

As soon as Natalie saw my mom, she squealed and ran over to give her a big hug. She then turned to Seth and picked him up her arms, blowing raspberries on his neck. His loud giggle and the smell of Thanksgiving dinner calmed my soul and almost brought me to tears. Everything had been so tense and quiet in the house since Dex disappeared. Without my mother hounding me about my emotions, I had become complacent with my feelings. But now, with so much family around, I could easily put Dex out of my mind, even if it were just for a little while.

Natalie grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the living room where we plopped down on the couch. She poured two glasses of white wine and sat back, looking at the decorations. She always loved how we decorated, she said it made her feel like she was home again. She took a sip of her wine and looked at me knowingly. I didn’t want to get into it, I just wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving.

“He knows, doesn’t he?”

“I just want to enjoy Thanksgiving.” I sighed. “It’s been really stressful since he bolted. I think he has an idea but I haven’t told him yet.”

“Are you going to?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking down. “Maybe if he ever shows up again. The look on his face when he left was knowing but he didn’t ask and after that, I didn’t hear from him again. I’m pretty sure he left on his trip. I don’t want him here if he doesn’t want to be, Natalie. I want him to be here if he can commit. He really started opening Seth up and it breaks my heart because Seth still asks where Dex is and I don’t know what to tell him.”

“I’m sorry,” Natalie said with a sad look. “I’m sorry he is being like this. But if I know Dex, it’s not that he is shunning you. If he really thinks Seth is his he is probably completely blown. He doesn’t have a clue as what to do.”

“So was I,” I replied, slightly irritated. “But I didn’t have a choice.”

“I know,” she said sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“Look,” I said, lowering my voice. “I’m just so glad you’re back. Let’s enjoy tonight, put Dex on the back burner, and we can talk all about it tomorrow.”

“Okay.” She smiled. “I want you to enjoy the holidays.”

I leaned forward and hugged Natalie, finally taking a deep breath and letting Thanksgiving take over. As I put my glass down on the table, ready to hear more vacation stories, a loud knock came from the door. Immediately, my stomach dropped and Natalie must have seen it because she reached out and grabbed my hand. I got off the couch and slowly walked toward the door. As I opened it, my fears were confirmed. I stood with my heart pounding in my chest, staring at Dex. He was struggling to hold a cornucopia with a ton of candy, gifts, and baked goods in it. He smiled calmly at me as he stepped forward through the door. Part of me wanted to trip him, the other part of me wanted to tell him to get the hell out, and yet another part wanted to kiss him and welcome him back.

We stood there for several moments not saying a word, just staring at each other. I didn’t know what to do, especially with Natalie and Brandon there. Plus, Seth was in the other room. It would have been horrible of me to tell him to leave, no one would have understood. But at the same time, I didn’t know if I could spend the entire night with him. It was so confusing. However, as I went to say how I felt, Brandon walked out of the kitchen and warmly welcomed Dex. He patted him on the shoulder and took the cornucopia from him.

“Happy Thanksgiving, brother,” Brandon said. “Come on, let’s get this down and get our grub on.”

“Thanks, man,” Dex said, glancing over at me with a smile. “It was a long flight to get back here for today.”

I sighed and followed them toward the sound of Seth laughing and giggling. I wasn’t going to get a choice in this matter, though I wasn’t mad at Brandon since he had no idea. During dinner, I tried to focus my attention on Natalie and Brandon, listening to their honeymoon stories and laughing at their mishaps. I could tell Dex wanted to talk to me but I wasn’t sure I could handle a conversation with him. I was no longer worried that I couldn’t control myself around him sexually, I was now worried I wouldn’t be able to hold back my temper and disappointment. I think he knew that since he didn’t make any direct attempts to talk to me. Instead, he directed his questions to the group. I just shook my head and looked down at my plate, not answering him directly either. I also couldn’t help but notice him glancing over at Seth from time to time, a confused look flashing across his face.

When dinner was over, I excused myself to the kitchen, helping put away the leftovers and get the dishes soaking in the sink. It didn’t take long for Dex to wander in, drinking a glass of wine and chatting up my mother about how she was doing. As always, my mother was polite and courteous, always finding that she really liked Dex.

“Okay kids,” my mom said as she placed the last dish into the bag. “I’m going to run these over to the mission.”

“I’ll do it,” I said quickly, knowing Natalie wouldn’t stay much longer. She would want to give me a chance to talk to Dex but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

“I’ll go with her,” Dex said, putting down his glass of wine and grabbing a bag of food to carry.

“Oh, good,” my mom said with a smile. “Casey knows where the place is and just ask for Debbie when you get there.”

“I really can do this alone.” I grumbled as Dex helped pick up the bags. For a moment, my breath got caught in my throat as our hands touched. I quickly shook the feeling away and walked toward the door.

Dex held the door as I walked out, ignoring Natalie’s wink and smirk from the couch. There was absolutely nothing to wink and smirk about, this was very uncomfortable. We made our way down to the mission in silence, both of us feeling like we wanted to say something but remaining silent. We kept glancing at each other awkwardly, then looked away quickly before the other could see. Part of me wanted to hear what he had to say, why he bolted and what his excuse this time was going to be, but the other part of me knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. I forced a smile when I dropped off the food, not even thinking to introduce Dex. He set the bags in the mission’s kitchen and wished the woman a Happy Thanksgiving.

On the way back, there were so many things running through my mind that I couldn’t even think straight. Dex was not his normal carefree self and instead looked like he was deep in thought. I tried to pick up the pace so we wouldn’t have a chance to talk before getting back to the apartment but he kept pace with me, our hands momentarily brushing against each other. I walked forward across the street, not waiting for Dex since there was a car coming up the street. I stepped up onto the curb and reached out for the railing but I felt Dex’s arm grab mine. He slowly spun me around to face him, a serious look on his face.