Broken

“No, I live here now,” she replies calmly. “I came here to escape everything. And I guess to feel close to Stephen too.”

Hmm, he had an impact on her just like she did him. This is something that I need to find out more about. “Would you like to hang out some more?” I ask.

She nods slowly. “Yes, I think I would. That won’t be weird, will it?”

Probably, I think.

“No, I don’t think so,” I say aloud. “It’ll be good. For the both of us. I think.”

“Good, yes.” We’re both as unsure as one another, but I’m still certain this is the right thing to do. “Let’s do it.” She takes my phone from me once more and enters in her number. “You should call me sometime. Let’s do this.”

Chapter Fourteen - Tia

Is this wrong? Should I be doing this? Am I utterly crazy?

As I stare at the phone screen looking at Kian’s message, I feel really weird about it. Every time we aren’t together I feel like we shouldn’t hang out anymore, I feel pretty sure it’s overstepping some invisible boundary, yet I still can’t stop being drawn to him. I can’t ignore the pull that draws me in every single time. I also can’t ignore the good feeling I get in my chest every time I’m by his side. I feel like I’m a much better person and that the possibilities are endless…

“Is that your secret lover?” Ashley teases as she sees me staring at my phone. “Are you ever going to tell me who it is? I’m sick of trying to guess!”

I want to, I’ve wanted to from the very beginning, but I haven’t. Partly because it’s been a delicious little secret just for me, a little link to my old life in my new life, but also because I do feel guilty about it. I feel so bad that I might just burst… but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it in for. I need some advice from an impartial person, and there’s only one person in the country I trust enough to tell. I need to just rip off the band aid and do it.

I lean forward and look from side to side, checking that no one is listening. When it appears that we are actually alone in the office, which is a big rarity meaning the timing must be right, I start whispering.

“It isn’t a lover, it’s something more complex than that.” Her eyes light up and she leans in too. I suppose it’s good for her for someone else to have gossip to share, especially me. I suppose I’ve been quite boring up until now. “It’s…” I bite down on my bottom lip and glance downwards. “Well, you remember the story about Stephen?”

“The mind blowing night that brought you to New Zealand, yep I think I remember that one.” She smiles coyly at me and chuckles. “I know it’s a tragedy, but I’m glad it happened because it brought you into my life.”

I’m so touched by her words that I continue with my story with ease. “Well, on the night of Julia’s birthday, when I disappeared, it wasn’t because I felt sick. It was actually because I thought I saw him in the night club and I chased him inside.” Before that sympathy can really set in, I continue. “As it turned out, it was his twin brother, Kian.”

“Did you know he has a twin?” Ashley gasps, shocked. “I mean, that’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t know that and yes it is crazy.”

Ashley glances down at the cell phone in my hand and her eyes widen. “Oh my God. Is it him you’re hanging out with?” I nod a little bit sadly, realizing how foolish it sounds aloud. “And how are you hanging out?”

“Only as friends,” I insist in a panicked fashion. “It’s nothing more than that…”

As I trail off my words, Ashley seems to read more into it than is there. She presses her elbows into her knees and looks at me. “But you like him?”

“No, it isn’t that.” I mean, I don’t want to admit it aloud but my heart does skip a beat every time I see him. It’s only because he reminds me of Stephen though, nothing more… although I suppose the more I get to know him the less I remember Stephen and the more he becomes a person in his own right. The more I make memories with Kian. Kian is now more prominent in my mind. “It’s just… friends.”

“Right.” Ashley sits back in her chair and rakes her eyes over me curiously. “You know it would be totally fine if it were more though, right?” My eyes snap up to her as I try to work out what she’s saying to me. “I mean, no one would judge you. I certainly wouldn’t.”

“You… wouldn’t?” It isn’t more than that, it isn’t, but I still want to hear her opinion on that.

“Of course, I wouldn’t.” She shrugs. “You spent one night with Stephen, one night.” She holds up one finger to highlight her point. “Yes, it was one amazing night, but it was only the one night. Then, he vanished. I don’t want this to sound callous, but now he isn’t here anymore. Something happened and he’s died now.” She takes my hand reassuringly in hers. “You are still alive and so is Kian. If you like him then there shouldn’t be anything holding you back.”

Her kind words unlock something within me, but before I can set any of it free I need to make sure. “But isn’t it weird? I had a thing with his twin brother. Isn’t it disrespectful to his memory? Isn’t it… odd? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I feel about Kian, I just… I don’t know.”

I glance down at the ground and chew the inside of my mouth. Tears well up behind my eyes but I refuse to let any of them fall. I’ve been so strong so far, I’ve been doing really well. The last thing I need to do is ruin all of that now.

“Tia, listen.” Ashely’s tone is so kind that I move my eyes up to meet hers. I can see nothing but understanding in her gaze which helps me to feel a little better about everything. “If Stephen’s death means anything to you, it’s that life is too short. You shouldn’t worry too much about things you should just live in the moment because it could all be gone tomorrow. You need some happiness, and so does this Kian. You’ve both been through a horrible time. I’m sure if you can find comfort in each other then surely that’s a good thing?” Still I can’t see it, my brain is fogged up with the notion that I’m a terrible person. “Think of what you would advise me if I was in your situation. That is what you should do.”

The room fills up again, leaving me unable to answer Ashely but I suppose she’s right. If it was her I would want her to be happy and her rational words are correct too. Me and Kian do share something, and if it can only be friendship then that’s better than nothing.

I look at my phone again, reading the message.

‘I’m playing at the open mike night at Serena’s coffee shop if you want to come and watch me later. K x’