Broken

Save me, Stephen, I think frantically in my pain addled mind. I don’t want to die. Our parents don’t deserve to lose two sons, Tia doesn’t deserve to lose two men, you know this as well as I do. Please save me.

But nothing happens. Nothing good anyway. I blink my eyes frantically a few times trying to regain my vision but it just keeps getting worse. In fact now it’s blackening. The red hot pain is filling up my veins, consuming all of me, threatening to eat me alive and I can feel myself succumbing to it because I don’t know what else to do. My vision is pin holing, I can see less and less with every passing second and I’m also filled with the sickening sense that I’m falling. I’m tumbling, cascading backwards, I don’t know where I’m going to land but I know I can’t remain upwards anymore. The sheer agony is too much. I’m a strong person but I can’t keep fighting it, I just can’t.

Tia, I’m so sorry, Tia, I think desperately as I fall backwards. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to make this right. I never wanted to die, I didn’t want to make you suffer this again. Maybe if I’d spent more time looking for a gun and less time focusing on putting on such an amazing show…

‘Maybe if’, ‘what if’, is that what my whole life comes down to? A whole load of unanswered questions? I should have lived better, I should have been fiercer, I should have done everything very different. But then again, I suppose I never thought that I’d be dying so young with all these regrets. The Jones twins, taken much too soon. That’s probably what they’ll say about us when, if, anyone speaks about us in the future.

Then my head hits something hard, my back slams into the ground, and everything finally goes black.

***

“Kian.” I hear something bursting through the crowd surrounding me, one person trying to infiltrate my brain. I want to answer it, I want to feel it, but I don’t know how to find it. Everything around me is too black. “Kian, it’s me, it’s Tia.”

Tia. That is a name I want to hear. I try even harder to force my eyes open but they just won’t do it. It’s as if they’ve been stuck together with super glue, leaving me in a state. Keep talking to me, Tia. I want to hear from you.

“Kian, I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m here. I’m holding your hand.” I wish I could feel that but I can’t. “Erm, I don’t know if you know but you’ve been shot. The cops have the guy so that’s good, but I’m not concerned about that right now. I guess I’ll sort that out later.” At least the cops have the guy. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me but at least I know that the guy has been caught. I can almost feel a massive weight being pulled off my chest. “The ambulance is on the way, so someone will be here soon enough to take care of you. I just need you to hang on until then.”

Of course I will, I think as if it’s absolutely obvious. For you, Tia, I will do anything.

She continues to talk as if she thinks her voice is the only thing pinning me to the Earth. Maybe she is, maybe if it weren’t for her I’d fall the hell apart so I focus on her words and I drink them in as if they’re my nectar.

“You did a really good show, you know before the whole shooting thing. I think your brother would have been proud of you. The erm, the crowd really loved you. I think you could be really successful if that’s what you want.” I hear an emotional crack in her voice. I wish it wasn’t there, I hate that she’s sad. “You just… you need to stay alive, alright? That’s all I can ask of you… oh thank God, the ambulance is here, Kian.

The paramedics are here to help you. You’ll be okay soon enough. I promise, okay?”

Her voice fades along with my consciousness, without Tia by my side it’s hard to keep going but I know I have to do it for her. She needs me, that’s all that matters to me.

Chapter Twenty - Tia

I want to go straight to the hospital, I want to be with Kian. I want to sit by his bedside and not move until I know that he’s okay but I can’t. The cops need me to make a statement and I really have to do it. Plus the paramedics have just told me that Kian needs emergency surgery as soon as he gets to hospital anyway so all I would be doing is pacing up and down the waiting room. I suppose it’s better that I spend that time doing something productive.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I watch the ambulance pull away. When I heard that gun shot ringing out over the concert I felt sick to my stomach. I fell to the ground and screamed a bellowing sound that seemed to come right from the bottom of my stomach. All I could think about was losing Kian, and it killed me. It still kills me now that I could lose him. A stray bullet seemed to come from nowhere, no one saw it coming, and now it’s changed everything. Everything has fallen apart at the seams and I don’t know how to stich myself back up.

I can’t lose Kian. I can’t lose someone else, I don’t think I’ll survive it again.

I reach a hand out forward, wishing I could hold onto him once more. I hated letting him go, if it had been to anyone other than a medical professional then I don’t think I could have done it. If those people weren’t saving his life then I don’t know what I would have done.

Please take care of him, I think desperately with a thick ball of emotion lodged in my throat. Please keep him alive. I need him, I need that man. He is my everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.

“Miss?” A police office grabs onto my shoulder and spins me around. He looks at me apologetically but I can hear a firmness. “We really need to take you down to the station now. We’ve waited for the ambulance like you requested but I can’t put it off any longer.”

“Okay,” I say while whipping the wetness from my cheeks with my arm. He hands me a tissue and I take it willingly. I need this small bit of comfort right now. “Thank you.”

He leads me through the crowd and takes me to his car, pulling me away from the scene of the crowd. Despite the fact that I know we have the guy and the plan has worked, I still feel helpless as I move. I haven’t had control over my life for a very long time, and now I really don’t have it. It’s gone, possibly forever more. Everything is a mess.

My mother will probably hear about this, I think sadly with a shake of my head. And my father too. They will come looking for me now and my New Zealand dream will be over forever more. I’ll be forced back into the shitty life I desperately tried to escape.

I slide into the back of the police car, feeling a little like a criminal, and I stare out the window to watch the city going by. I can’t really think about any of it, I’m not looking at all. I’m lost in my mind’s eye thinking only about Kian and all the blood all over his body. I don’t know how much blood loss kills people but I hope it’s much more than that.

“I’m sorry I don’t have more to give you now,” the officer comments as if he thinks I need some idly chat right now. Can he not see the inner turmoil I’m suffering? “But they’ll be able to answer any questions you have once we’re down at the station.”

“Right,” I whisper back, nodding as if I’m actually paying attention. “Thank you.”

I twist my head back towards the window, tuning out his words. He’s still talking to me, I can hear him but I don’t know what he’s saying anymore. Maybe I’m being rude but I really don’t care. If any situation cries out for social niceties to be ignored then this is it. My boyfriend got shot up on stage while imitating his twin brother is already dead. If that isn’t the craziness, most ridiculous story that I’ve ever heard then I don’t know what is. It’s crazy, and it’s my life.

What a fucking mess.

The tears start rolling again and this time I don’t bother to brush them away. I want to feel all of this emotion because it might be my one and only chance to do so. Once this car ride is over it’s time for me to be stronger than I’ve ever been before.