Broken

“Erica, from the shop, but I promise I wasn’t aski

ng after you. I just mentioned that I saw you playing and she started spouting all this stuff.”

Erica… someone I barely know. I don’t even speak to her much more than a ‘hello’ when I go into the store, but she thinks that she has a right to tell a stranger these private things about me. That’s what I hate about everyone knowing everything, they think my life is their own too. Sometimes it’s nice, but sometimes it’s suffocating.

“I’m sorry,” Brandon says again, making me realize that I’m pumping my fists by my sides in sheer anger. “I didn’t mean to involve myself, I know it isn’t right.”

“It’s not your fault,” I reply through gritted teeth. “Actually it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I do need to pop to see Dad anyway. Maybe I’ll take a shower at his and be back down shortly.” I dip my hand into my pocket and pull out my keys. “You go inside, help yourself to whatever you need and I’ll be there soon.”

He takes the keys from me and walks away. As he goes I wonder if he’s only here as part of a pity thing. He was in the shop before Erica said anything, buying food for this meal I presume, but what if now he sees me as something different? Part of the reason I enjoyed spending time with him last night was because he didn’t know my story – only the bits I decided to share with him. He didn’t see me as anything other than a sexy woman who was worthwhile, who he found desirable.

Now, that might have changed and I don’t know what I’m going to about it.

“Well, Betty,” I say to my favorite sheep, the one who won’t be going to the slaughter house ever, no matter how bad things get. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I suppose I should give him a chance though, right? I should try and find out?” Betty doesn’t answer me, but of course she isn’t going to. She’s a damn sheep after all! “Let’s get you sorted then I can go and have a shower, get myself all mentally prepared for this craziness.” I sigh deeply. “I don’t think I’ll tell Dad about Brandon though, not yet. I don’t know how I feel about all of this and it’s bound to only be short term since he doesn’t even live here. There’s no point, is there, Betty? I don’t want to worry him over nothing.” I stare at her and nod as if she’s answered me. “Right, thanks for that advice. You’re the best friend a girl could ask for, even if you are a sheep who hasn’t actually said anything yet. Let’s go, I can’t put this off any longer. Time to have what I suppose is date number two…”

***

I feel a whole lot better once I’ve checked on my dad and washed myself up. More human, I suppose, and more ready to face what might be happening with Brandon head on. All day long he’s been swimming through my mind, I’ve been thinking about how good it felt to be with him and how I want to do it again, but I certainly didn’t think it’s happen.

“Ooh, my goodness, what are you cooking?” I ask as I push the door to my home open and I inhale the wonderful aromas that fill my nose. “Smells delicious.”

“It’s nothing exciting,” Brandon replies as he plates up. “It’s basically just chicken, boiled potatoes, and vegetables, but I had to work with what’s available in the shops.”

“Yeah.” I take my seat and look up at him. “It isn’t very well stocked, is it? You’ve done well though. When did you learn to cook?”

He pauses for a moment and sits opposite me. As he steels himself for what he’s going to say next I recognise the look in his eyes well. He’s about to say something that he doesn’t talk about much. Obviously, I get that because I often feel the same way when I have to discuss anything related to my life.

“Actually, I learned when I was fifteen years old, just after my mother ran off with one of my school friends.”

“What?” I interject, sounding more shocked than maybe I should. “I mean, wow… that’s dreadful. That’s just really awful.”

“It is what it is.” He shrugs, trying to act blasé but I can see right in to the depths of his soul. I can see this still sings even now. “She didn’t want to be with me and my father then and I guess it’s a decision that she’s happy with since she’s still with him now. As far as I know anyway, all I’m really aware of is the odd bits I see online.”

“You don’t talk to her anymore?” I reach across and rest my hand on his. In a way, this is something we have in common. He must feel like he’s lost his mother in a similar way to me.

“No, I don’t. I haven’t since then.” His tone is tight and hard. “It’s just been me and my father, and since he’s always been at work, and even losing his wife and becoming a single father didn’t change him, I had to be independent.”

“Is that why you work for him now?” I’m prying, I know it, but I’m just so interested to learn more about him.

“I guess so.” He pauses and bites down on his bottom lip. “I mean, it was kind of just the path that was laid out for me. It was expected of me, and I just went with it.”

“Do you love it? Is it what you want?”

“I… I do like it,” he says slowly. “But I don’t know if it’s the path I would have chosen for myself if given the option. I work well with it now though, it is what it is.”

It is what it is. That seems to be his motto for life. I wonder if he lets things happen to him because he doesn’t know how to change. Just like I’m stuck in my rut and I don’t know how to get out.

“Wow, that’s…” I gulp loudly and I try to work out what I should say next. I feel like I might want to tell him more about me. “It’s rough. I know my life is different, but my father’s MS,” I watch his face which doesn’t change. Erica clearly told him this part. I guess it means I don’t have to explain more, “means my life is controlled too. Just in a different way.” I sigh loudly, not regretfully because I don’t mind staying for my dad, but still it’s hard because everything has always been on hold. “He needs me to care for him, and I’m all he has left.”

“You’re a good person, I hope you know that.”

“Well, thank you. And I don’t know if it means anything but I think you’re a good person too. You’ve stuck by your family, even when things got tough.”

He looks shocked. “Wow, I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before.”

I smile warmly at him, hoping he can see that I truly do mean it. “Well it’s true.”

As we eat I can see Brandon looking at me. At first I think the expression is one of an awe or maybe a little confusion, but then it changes. His face reminds me of how he looked on the night when we first met. When I was up on stage fantasizing about him like an insane person and he was undressing with his eyes. It makes me shiver. It makes me wonder where tonight will lead.