Broken

“That’s not me. That’s just what Franko said…”

“So you’ve never done that?” She throws her hands onto her hips angrily, knowing that she has me pinned into a corner. I have acted that way before, I have been that person. But I’m not anymore. How can I make her understand that? “Just what I thought…”

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I grab my cell phone out of my pocket, trying to end the call rapidly before it fully interrupts my conversation with Lola, but not before she catches the name on the screen.

“Sandi. So it wasn’t just Franko then?”

“She’s my personal assistant. She calls me all the time.”

But as I think about the way that I left things, with a promise that maybe something that might happen between us, which I said with my eyes if not my words, and the words fall apart guiltily on my lips. It isn’t what she thinks, but at the same time I’m not totally innocent either.

“Right, well I have everything that I need now so I don’t need to be in this store anymore. I can’t stick around with you having this pointless conversation. We haven’t seen one another in a year, so why we’re arguing I don’t know.” She pushes past me and makes her way towards the door. As she goes I can feel her, and my second chance, slipping away, but for some reason my feet are frozen to the spot. I can’t seem to make my body move however hard I try. “I would say that it’s been good seeing you, Brandon, but just like last time it hasn’t.”

As she opens the door and lets a cold blast of air inside, I shiver. But I don’t think that it’s a chill from the weather, I think it’s the horror of her words. She thinks our time together was horrible, judging by the look in her eyes, she doesn’t remember anything good about it. How can I ask her if she’s seen the lake now when she looks so distraught by me?

Damn it, it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this.

When me and Lola started seeing one another, that’s all it was. Some time to have some fun together. A short term fling that neither of us would read too much into. She needed some fun and I needed a distraction to get through my time in her town. It wasn’t supposed to be something that left us both scarred. We got in too deep and it left things messy and awkward. Even though we don’t live near each other for it to affect us all the time, it seems that we’re still both incredibly affected by it.

As I turn back to pay for the headache pills that I have in my hand, I almost trip up over something left on the ground. It glints in the light so I bend down to pick it up. It’s a key, and judging by the key ring attached to it, it belongs to a motel not too far away from here. It must be the place that Lola and her father are staying in.

My heart races in my chest, anxiety courses through my veins. I realize now that I have another option. I could answer my cell phone that’s ringing again in my pocket, undoutably Sandi who’ll want to confirm that I’m still going out tonight because clearly she’s more than keen to hook up, I could hand the keys in to the pharmacist here and cut all ties with Lola forever. I could accept that it’s too difficult which means we definitely aren’t meant to be…

Or I could give it a go. I could chase after her and really apologize.

My heart hammers violently, my mouth runs completely dry, and my brain races. My thoughts dart back and forth, from decision to decision. I know what I want to do, I always thought if I was given a second chance I would take it, but now that it’s here I don’t know if it’s a good plan. I don’t know if it’s sensible to try and push thing that seems desperately done. Maybe what I should do is just let it go. Maybe this moment is only supposed to be closure.

“That’s a dollar,” the man says grumpily to me. “For the pills.”

“Oh right.” I almost forgot where I was while I suffer through my personal dilemma. “Yes, of course.” I hand him the cash with a strange look on my face. “Thank you.”

“Are you okay? Do you need some help?”

I shake my head. I can almost feel the color draining from my cheeks. I feel sick, but I’m not. I’m just confused. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I just… I’m sorry I have to go. Thank you.”

I turn on my heels and stomp off rapidly with the keys still clutched between my fingers. Screw closure. It’s only closure if I decide it’s closure and I damn well don’t. Lola burst into my life and she changed me, she’s turned me into someone different and I want to be that man. I don’t want to be the idiotic party boy anymore, that just isn’t me. Maybe it’ll turn out that me and Lola aren’t meant to be but I need to give it a shot. I can’t spend another day wondering what if? I need my answers and I need them now.

I’m coming for you, Lola. I need to speak to you and this time I’m really hoping that you’ll listen to me.

Chapter 19 – Lola

I stomp with rage down the street, hating the world as I make my way back to the motel. I shouldn’t have come out, I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. I also don’t know how I thought I’d escape seeing him in this whole city. It doesn’t matter how many people are here, we’re pulled to one another like magnets. Even if we want to repel each other, we can’t.

Well, at least I know now that it’s a good thing me and Brandon didn’t work out. He did me a favor by sneaking off in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Maybe my heart was shattered in the process, but it saved me trying to do the long distance thing. I never could’ve made that work with a man who sleeps about. I never could have trusted him.

Asshole, I think as a burning redness clouds my vision. What an asshole!

Hate burns in my chest, it aches and agonizes. I hate him with every single bit of me. I hate him so much it makes me want to cry. I can feel myself shaking violently as I move. I need to get out of here, I need to get this treatment done for Dad and leave as quickly as I possibly can.

Once the flickering, half broken lights of the motel come into view, I pause for a moment to calm myself down. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and I try to slow my heart rate. I can’t let my father see me this way, all tied up in stressed knots. It’ll hurt him and he’s going through enough. I’m reminded once more that this trip isn’t about me. I don’t need to think about any of this. I just need to push Brandon to the back of my mind, where he’s been for the last few months.

I clutch the bag tighter between my fingers and I take the last few steps, closing the gap between me and the front door. Then I reach into my pocket to grab out the keys to the room…

“Oh shit,” I mutter to myself as I desperately grab around only to grab nothing. “Oh my God. Where are they? What the hell?”

I clap my hand to my forehead as I realize that somewhere along the way I must have dropped them. The thought of making the journey all the way back to the pharmacist where he was makes me feel sick. Of course he probably isn’t there anymore, he’s probably at the party getting a blow job from his beautiful, young assistant. Still, I don’t want to be anywhere he is. Or was. Or might be.