Broken

I was furious with the situation. While, I understood that if she had never done what she did, I would have never met her, which for some strange reason, mattered to me. Yet, if she had never gone into the mountains with that man, I would’ve been okay with never meeting her, because she would’ve never had to go through that ordeal.

Plus, I wouldn’t have to be sitting here, wondering why the hell I felt any of this. I still didn’t know why I cared or if I would continue to care.

A long time ago, I had become convinced that any human connection was a black hole, through which my life and everything about me would be sucked through if I ever fell for that temptation again. Yet, this girl, with one bat of her eyes, made me want to take that leap all over again and I couldn’t, for the life of me figure out why.

Later that night, once Carrie was long asleep, I could no longer deny the feelings I had for Carrie, or the loneliness that I had persuaded myself was necessary. I knew from the moment I met her that I liked Carrie and it seemed that the more I tried to deny my feelings, the more intense they became.

Now, they had started to manifest in a sense of jealousy that I didn’t want. Of course, I didn’t want to be an asshole to Carrie, but I knew it would be weirder if I showed her how overprotective I was of her.

I wondered whether it would be better for me to tell her about what else I had found in the woods, or if that was better kept my secret. Since I didn’t think it mattered, I didn’t want to tell her. I had gotten her out of the situation and explaining what I had found would only scare her.

She’s been through enough… I thought but argued that she was a grown woman and deserved to know the truth. The possible implications of her actions shouldn’t be hidden from her. She needs to know the kind of fucked up evil that is in this world.

I had no doubt in my mind that the man intended to kill her and leave her body in the mountains, somewhere she would never be discovered. The thought scared the shit out of me, and again, I wondered what the likelihood of him returning to finish the job would be.

However, I figured since I was going to try to keep her safe until she was back to civilization, it was unlikely that he was going to do anything. If he tried, I would kill him. Simple as that.

Yet, I knew that I wasn’t going to be around to protect her forever. The overall issue of what the man she had trusted was planning to do to her was still a valid threat. Though I thought it was unlikely that she would make the same mistake again, I couldn’t be sure and therefore, I felt that I needed to do everything I could to keep her from falling for the same type of trick.

I have to tell her. I can’t protect her from this. She needs to know. I insisted.

Still, I didn’t want to drive her away, despite the fact that I told myself that would be best. I knew that if I explained all of this to her, it would scare her and there was a possibility that she would think I was trying to prove my point, other than simply protect her.

Again, part of me couldn’t deny that might be best. She and I weren’t supposed to be together. We were from two different worlds. I had chosen absolute solitude and she had a life outside of these mountains.

Pushing her away might be the only way that I could protect us both from whatever strange sense of connection we seemed to have.

I was sure that she felt it too, which annoyed me. I didn’t want to have that affect on anyone, because I didn’t want anyone to have a similar effect on me.

Being out here all alone with my dog wasn’t the life I wanted, but it was the life I felt was best for my sanity. I knew that I could no longer handle reality. It had fucked me royally and I had no more use for it.

If you truly have no more use for humans and humanity, then why do you give a damn about what happens to this woman? I wondered, playing devil’s advocate to myself.

After a moment of contemplation, I countered the idea with the thought that maybe my feelings were so strong because I hadn’t been around people f

or so long.

Yet, even as I tried to convince myself of this, I knew it was something different. I knew that I was trying to bullshit myself into believing a lie, though I was willing enough to believe it.

I knew that something about Carrie was different. I had no idea how I knew that, or if it even made sense to think that way. After all, I wasn’t too naive to believe that wishful thinking was the true source of what I misperceived as intuition.

Of course, I wanted her to be the answer to my shitty life, but I had given up on finding that answer a long time ago. It bothered me that one instance could completely shake the resolve I thought was ironclad.

Could it be that I’m not as broken as I thought? I contemplated this but was fairly certain that wasn’t the case. What had happened to me had scarred me for life. My trust was shattered and that took a hell of a lot more than a hot body and a pretty face to piece back together. Don’t kid yourself. I decided, knowing that even if I was able to fool myself enough to be convincing, my re-entry into humanity was going to cost a lot more than I was willing to give.

Never again.

It wouldn’t be fair to her…or to anyone. I told myself, though I still felt the urge to continue trying to find some solace in my thoughts.

Since, regardless of what I decided or the outcome it yielded, this could be considered improvement.

It also could be considered a relapse. I countered negatively. Going and making the same damn mistake is proof that you’re crazy, not that you’re cured.

I tried to be a somewhat logical man and despite my present situation, I knew myself well. I knew when I was interested and when I was simply horny.

While Carrie definitely made me feel a connection to her that was almost painfully alluring, I also yearned to get to know her. I didn’t want a one-night stand, I wanted her.

Although, I still didn’t quite understand why; primarily because I didn’t know her at all. I had gotten her out of a bad situation, but we had argued in the two, somewhat normal conversations we had. Granted, I was an asshole on purpose in both situations, but that was only so I could shield myself from the truth of it all.