Broken

I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to risk losing this magnificent sensation. My body felt completely alive and my soul seemed to be the entity that was shouting for joy.

The sensation I had in that moment was far better than the first time or any time after my first.

Although the euphoria I felt was so strong, it teetered on the brink of pain, I never wanted this moment to end.

However, when I returned to reality, the only thought that kept me from being disappointed was that this was quite possibly, only the beginning.

Chapter 10: Johnathan

When we had finished, we were both breathless and although we were exhausted from our intense lovemaking, neither one of us were tired.

For a long while, we lay on the bed, quietly enjoying the company of one another. I listened to Carrie breathe next to me and I felt her heartbeat against my chest.

Every once in a while, she would grin up at me or move to kiss me, and I would reciprocate. However, we didn’t say anything.

After the grin and the kiss, Carrie would settle back on my chest and we would return to the silence and security that we felt in this moment.

I hadn’t felt such a sense of security in a long time. It had even taken me a while to realize what it was I was feeling.

For such a long time, I had been on edge, having no idea how I would get by, from one day to the next. I was depressed and alone.

It was more than once that I had found myself staring down the barrel of my own gun, wondering if today was the day I had the balls to pull the trigger.

I never did. I always convinced myself that I had Jake to take care of and I didn’t want to imagine what might happen to him I ended it all.

I was a selfish asshole, but what I had to care about, I was loyal to.

The rest of the time, I would simply stare into the abyss of despair, lamenting that this was likely what I had to look forward to until the day I died.

I supposed I should be happy that I at least had a roof over my head and the ability to eat my full at every meal, but what good was a roof and sustenance when there was nothing else.

Enrichment of my life, I had thought died a long time ago. I had convinced myself that there was nothing left for me. I was alone, and I would remain alone forever.

I sure as hell didn’t like it this way, but I didn’t feel I had any other choice.

Years had hardened me, I thought, and nothing would cause me to waiver from the conviction of my self-imposed sentence.

However, then, Carrie came into my life and now, I was laying naked with her in my bed, sharing a moment of quiet, that hadn’t ended in misery…At least not yet.

Unfortunately, I felt as though I was starting to care about Carrie a lot more than I should.

Although, as we were lying there, as normal people, lovers do, I didn’t care. I didn’t dwell on the future, or lament over the past. I was, for once, consumed by this moment and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it.

I wished I could stay here forever, or even die before it was over.

I knew I didn’t deserve this, even for a moment but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to enjoy it, for as long as I could.

“Johnathan?” Carrie’s voice called, shaking me out of my thoughts.

Looking deeply into her eyes, I beamed, concluding that for once, I was happy.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked softly, her words catching me slightly off guard, though I knew this was a reasonable question.

“I am thinking, that I don’t want this moment to stop,” I answered honestly, choosing to skip the morbid factions of my thoughts.

“I feel the same way,” she replied, reaching up to kiss me tenderly.

Carefully grasping her close to me, I tilted my head and deepened the kiss, which she reciprocated instantly.