Broken

“Because, I want you to understand.”

“Why? If you don’t think it’s going to work, if you’re not even willing to try it, why even waste the time telling me any of this?”

“Can you tell me it’s going to work?”

“What?” I asked, not completely sure if he was actually asking me a question or speaking rhetorically.

“If we gave this a shot, could you tell me with absolute certainty that we were going to work?”

I narrowed my eyes, slightly confused by what he was trying to ask me, although I answered his question honestly, “Of course not. Nobody can say whether it’s gong to work or not, but you also can’t tell me for certainty that it isn’t going to work, unless we don’t even bother trying.”

“You’re right, but why try if there’s a possibility it’s going to fail?”

“Why not try, when the alternative is absolute failure.”

“Because what could’ve been is a lot easier to deal with then certain failure,” he answered honestly.

I drew a deep breath out, pitying him for what he was telling me, “If you truly believe that, then I can’t help you. For your sake, I hope I’m not the right one, and there is someone out there that will make you want to try it, but right now, here, with you, I am willing to take the risk.”

“What happens when you go back to your normal life?” Johnathan retorted.

“We will adapt. I will visit on weekends and maybe, you will want to come visit me,” I grinned with encouragement.

“You wouldn’t want that,” he scowled.

“Actually, I would,” I answered, reaching up to kiss him, hoping that the moment I felt we were sharing was the same for both of us, but it must not have been as strong, if there at all for Johnathan, because he pulled back.

When I opened my eyes and looked at him, he seemed apologetic, but he didn’t offer any kind of explanation.

So, I was prompted to pry, so that I could understand him.

“Johnathan, please tell me what happened to you. Why did you decide to live your life up here all alone? And, why am I being punished for someone else’s actions?”

“First of all, it’s not you,” he answered, almost immediately, but didn’t give any further response.

“Okay,” I answered, this time insinuating that I would like more of an answer then the copout he had tried to give me.

Johnathan hesitated, notably thinking about what to say next. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to give me another line, or if he was trying to figure out how to answer my questions, but I waited patiently to find out.

Eventually, he started to tell me, and I could tell this wasn’t easy for him.

“Her name is Sarah…We met at work. I worked in a bank and she was a client. I had what I thought to be one of the most boring jobs in the world and she traveled the world. She would come into the bank a lot and talk to me, because with all her trips, she needed to make sure her affairs were in order. She never wanted to run out of money while she was overseas, so she asked for budgeting and currency-exchange tips. She was a client for a few years at the bank and she would always look for me when she came in,” he grinned, “It was nice…and eventually, we started to talk about things that were not related to her finances. Eventually, I asked her on a date. One thing led to another and we lived together for five years. I proposed, she said yes. I knew that she was a wild girl, with an adventurous soul, but I trusted her. We were set to be married in a month. Everything was set. Hell, even Jake was supposed to be in the wedding. I couldn’t wait, and I had no idea that there was anything wrong. Then, one morning, she woke up and announced she was leaving me. She didn’t give me a reason, except that she didn’t want to get married. She didn’t want to be tied down. I was desperate. I told her that we could work on us, that we didn’t have to get married, that she could have all the time she needed.” He stopped, as his jaw tightened, and his eyes assured me that he was somewhere far away.

“Oh, God…” I replied, gingerly putting a hand on his arm, which he abruptly removed.

“Carrie,” he insisted, his eyes now piercing into mine with the serious nature of his expression, “When I tell you, I did everything I possibly could to get her to stay…I begged her not to leave. It really was pathetic…especially because my attempts to get her to at least talk to me didn’t seem to affect her at all. She left, and I was devastated. However, to add insult to injury, a few days after the breakup, or I guess, dumping, would be the more appropriate term, I was having a few drinks with my buddy, and he let it slip that it was probably for the best, since she wasn’t faithful to me. I was still in that denial stage, so I was ready to fight him, defend her honor and all that, when he confessed that he thought I knew. I demanded to know what he thought I knew, exactly and he told me that Sarah had slept around on me for years…She had even slept with the guy I was drinking with…and he was supposed to be my best friend.”

“Oh my God,” I exclaimed, “I couldn’t imagine what I would do in that situation.”

“At the time neither could I. Of course, when I finally believed what he was saying, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him, but he left, and I let him go. I talked to some of my other friends after that, trying to piece together some kind of a timeline and they all had similar stories.”

“What?” I exclaimed, unable to imagine sleeping around with one person, much less nearly all my friends.

“Yeah!” He replied with a hollow laugh, “It still doesn’t even seem real to me. I was so angry and the last thing I wanted to do was find more people, but before I could stop, I was asking another one of them, who eventually either told me, or led me to believe that they were with her too. It got to the point where I was convinced she was sleeping with my friends more than she was sleeping with me. I was devastated. I wanted to confront her about all of it, but I couldn’t find her. She wouldn’t return my phone calls and her friends refused to tell me anything about her whereabouts. It was awful. They made me feel like an abusive asshole, just because I wanted answers…” He huffed and shook his head.

“I’m sorry…” I insisted, “But, surely there was one friend?”

“Yeah, there was. Except, what he told me, was even worse news. I asked him straight out, as I had asked everyone else if he had slept with Sarah…He told me that he hadn’t, and I believed him, but he was one of those guys that was never good at hiding anything, so ironically, most of us didn’t trust him all that much. He was a nervous guy and after this conversation, I remembered that he was particularly nervous around me, and had been for a long time. I always thought it was odd, but like I said, he was a weird dude…But he told me, that not only had he not slept with her, he had to refuse her…Multiple times. Apparently, she was on a mission to sleep with every one of my friends. I wasn’t sure why she needed to accomplish this, but after all the shit I’d heard recently about her, I would just about believe anything.”