Broken

“No, Mom.” Why does she make me feel like a teenager? I hate that, I’m a grown ass man now. There’s no reason for me to revert back to an idiotic child when I’m around her. “It isn’t like that. I was thinking about a girl I met...” Also, I can’t ever properly lie to her either. It’s almost as if she can see right through me. “But not in that way. She’s just... nice.”

“Oh, Ben.” Mom looks too relieved for my liking. I already regret my decision. Damn her with her promise of home cooked food. I should have kept away. “I have never heard you talk about any female before. I mean, since Ally, of course, but that was a long time ago and unimportant now. So please, tell me more about her.”

I cringe inside. Lying would have been preferable to this. Now she’s going to plan some big romantic story in her mind and actually expect it to happen. It might become something between me and Serena, I don’t want to totally rule that possibility out, but I don’t want the added pressure of Mom’s expectation weighing on me.

“She’s just the girl I met the other night in a club, Mom. Nothing more.”

She tuts loudly and disapprovingly. “I wish you would spend less time in bars and clubs, Ben. It isn’t right. You’re a good boy, you should be spending your time in better ways.”

I choose to ignore that remark and get on with my story. I can’t deal with any of that right now. I’m happy with my life, if she doesn’t see that, that isn’t my fault. “I met her while she was working in a bar and I was out on a business meeting. We only talked for a while, but she seems cool. Just nice and normal, you know?”

Mom rills her eyes. “My goodness, she already sounds like the perfect girl for you. Are you taking her out on a date? Why don’t you call her right now?”

“Woah, hold your horses.” I chuckle awkwardly at her. “It isn’t like that, I don’t even have her number or anything.” Maybe I shouldn’t mention the kiss at all. I don’t want her to get carried away. “It’s just... she’s someone I met, that’s all.”=

“Right, right. So you’re keeping her a secret from me, I see.” She nods slowly and again I’m filled with the sense that she can see right through me. “I guess I’ll just go and get lunch then and we won’t say another thing about it.”

As she walks away I sit back further in my chair and I wonder if she’s right to be suspicious about me and Serena. I played down my feelings then for obvious reasons but she’s been on my mind the whole time. It’s almost like she’s a virus in my brain that I can’t shake off however hard I try. And more than that I don’t want to.

Maybe I should go back to the club toni

ght, to see her, I think to myself with a smirk playing on my lips. I am there all the time, it wouldn’t be too suspicious, and I’ll make sure I don’t get distracted again.

The only reason I let Serena slip away from me was the call from Mom. Now that I’ve seen her today, I’ve even taken a day off work for it, there can’t be any reason for her to call me again. I don’t need to speak to anyone else, I can focus all my attention on Serena. That sounds freaking amazing.

Maybe I will go, I don’t know. I’ll decide after this lunch.

“Oh my God, Mom what is that? It smells incredible.” Eating luxury food out all the time is nice, but there’s nothing like my mom’s cooking. Despite all the pressure she puts on my shoulders about practically getting hitched, she’s awesome to be around too. “Is that your shepherd’s pie? I can’t remember the last time I had that.”

“I think you were about nineteen.” The plates steam in Mom’s hands. “But I remember it being your favourite when you were little. That’s what made me decide to make it again.”

“Oh, Mom, what a legend you are.”

As we sit and eat, the ghost of Dad hangs over us again. I can see it in Mom’s face and I’m sure that expression is mirrored in my own. We’ve never let go of him, and that shows every time we’re together. Maybe if I actually do progress my life forwards it’ll help us both to move on. Maybe...

***

I stare at my cell phone wondering who I should call to come out with me to the club tonight. I know I would only have to hit one of the buttons and whoever’s on the other end will come with me, all the people in my contacts list are yes men who want to spend time with me, but I’m not sure tonight that I want any of them. After the Kyle debacle last night where he wasn’t too nice about Serena and he called Jenny over to the table, I’m not sure I need that distraction. I just want to focus on Serena, so I can work out what this is between us.

Is it weird to go to the club by myself? I’m really not sure. I think once I sit down and I start drinking and chatting it’ll be alright, it’ll just be walking in that’s weird... but I’m a confident man, I could totally do that.

Yeah, screw it, I’ll go by myself.

I stuff my cell phone into my trouser pocket and undo my shirt. I know it’s the sort of club where looking smart is required, but I want to stand out. I want Serena to know that I’m not like the rest of them.

I grab one of my old faded band tee shirts and I shove it on under my shirt so the logo just about shows. It’s from my teenage years, when I was a grunger into rock music, so I’m surprised that it still fits over my now very muscular body, but it does so I’ll take that as a sign to just go for it.

As I stare at my reflection in the mirror, Mom’s words circle around in my brain. Her excitement for me to actually be with Serena has rubbed off on me. She tried her best for the rest of the afternoon not to keep mentioning it but it was as if the words kept falling out of her mouth regardless. She couldn’t stop herself from talking about ‘my mystery girl’. She even said that she wants to meet her, which is ridiculous. I mean, how quick does she think I want to go? Does she not know me at all? Does she not understand that if I do take that brave step it’ll be really hard for me to do so. I won’t be jumping in with both feet.

Right, stop getting freaked out, I tell myself with an eye roll. Just go see Serena, have some fun with her. Think of her as just a nice girl rather than someone who might become something.

I shake my head, refusing to look at myself any more and I leave my house. My home might not be too far away from Serena’s in distance, but in stature it’s the other end of the scale. She lives in a shared crappy apartment on a dodgy area, and I live in a huge town house, surrounded by other wealthy people.

We’re worlds apart, but not too different.

Usually I call a car to drive me to the club, I don’t like to walk, but tonight I think the fresh air might do me some good. I take a few, brisk, confident steps thinking that I will use the time to calm myself down... but then a better solution comes to me. In the car service I usually use they have a fully stocked bar. A few drinks will be so much better than walking.

Fuck it.