Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“Pop is Pop. He keeps his thoughts to himself.” Uncomfortably I realized Paddy and I were the center of attention.

“He’s a man of few words for sure. Let me get you a drink,” Patrick said releasing me so that everyone would return to his or her activities. “Back to your drinks people,” Patrick bellowed. “Mind yer business.” People in Hell were a nosy bunch.

He passed me a tequila shot, which went down in one quick gulp. The amber liquid burned like wildfire going down. “Could I have another one?” I asked Patrick who passed the second shot across the bar almost as the question left my lips. “I have money tonight.”

Patrick just chuckled. “I never understood how you girls could drink that shit,” he told me shaking his head in disgust. “You and Issy and your tequila. God knows what trouble you got yourselves into that I don’t know about.”

I smiled half-heartedly, “You don’t want to know.” I tossed the tequila shot down my throat nearly choking on the heat.

After the fourth shot I decided enough was enough. Alcohol wouldn’t make my troubles go away. It only masked the pain for a while returning with a vengeance and a hangover the next day. I tried to pay Patrick for the drinks but he wouldn’t accept my money. Leaning over the bar, ass in the air, really, I needed to stop doing that. I wasn’t a young girl anymore. No one wanted to see my thirty-four year old ass suspended in mid-air for the entire bar to view. Really. No one wanted to see this except for the few dirty old men perched on stools who leaned back as I did this. Let them look. Dirty old men. Some older than my father.

“Jake, Don, Jimmy stop lookin,” Patrick admonished. “She’s my daughter’s age. Like me own daughter.” Patrick glared at the men.

They coughed and uncomfortably looked at their drinks in front of them.

“That’s better now.”

I stifled a laugh and kissed Patrick’s rough cheek. Telling him I would keep him to up to date about my mother’s progress I made my way outside the bar I glanced in the direction of Yancy’s house, a good ten-minute walk. My head was spinning just a little from the smooth, warm tequila and my body was tingly and toasty too. Why should I go home to an empty house? Why shouldn’t I enjoy this feeling just a while longer?

As if my feet had their own predestined route mapped, I walked to Esther McCoy’s house. No surprise there. Standing in front of her house on the small front porch. Kerry was inside that darkened place probably sleeping. Mary mother of God, what am I doing here? What kind of crazy was this? I should just go home. Being here would only cause us both trouble. Trouble we neither one needed. I needed to get rid of James before turning to Kerry. Spinning on my heel I nearly screamed out loud when I found myself face to large wall of muscular chest. Attached to that chest? Kerry McCoy himself.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He grasped my arms to steady me. To keep me from toppling over into the bushes besides the porch.

My heart was hammering against my chest in an unnatural rhythm. “That’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You won’t believe this but I was just at your Mom’s house looking for you. Where’s Kat?” He asked.

“She’s staying at Micki’s house tonight to be with Wynnie while we’re home. Wynne misses her. They miss each other.”

“Oh. Then, I went to the pub and Patrick said you had some drinks and left. He thought you were going home. I came here since its closer to the pub to call you to see if you wanted company. Why didn’t you tell me how bad Yancy is?” He asked. His facial expression relayed his hurt.

“Patrick told you?” Kerry nodded his head. “I wanted to tell you but you were with Kat and I think she should deal with your mother’s illness before we add the seriousness of my mother’s illness.”

“Ahhh.” He seemed relieved. His expression softened then shadows covered his eyes. Concern? I wasn’t sure. “Why are you here?” He asked with a husky dip to his voice, staring down at me. His hands still had my arms in a death grip. Our bodies inches apart. He was so close, I was sure he could smell the alcohol on my breath.

Startled, I didn’t know what to say. My eyes locked on his. I wasn’t short but I still had to look up into his face. “Am I not welcome?” I asked hesitantly. The alcohol had made my body warm but Kerry looking at me that way made my blood feel like liquid fire.

“You’re always welcome in my home.”

“Good.” Now that we had that established. Now what?

“Why are you here?” Back to that question? He asked more persistently still standing so close, too close to me. I couldn’t think through the haze of alcohol and the feelings that Kerry McCoy’s eyes were doing to me. My heart beating faster and harder in my chest I thought he could hear the damned thing. Could he?

Those wonderful warm brown eyes wondering why I was here. I had been drawn here…to him. The last couple of encounters with him had felt so natural, like being home again felt to me. Safe. Comforted. Fucked with a capital F. I realized how much I wanted him and told him so blurting out my feelings in a rush of words made possible by four shots of tequila. Empowerment that liquid gold was. I was brave and I was bold.

“I want to make love with you. I want to be held in your arms, naked like we did when we were teenagers to see if these feelings that I’m having are as wonderful and real as they seem to be.” I blurted those words out like the crazy woman that I was.

The words poured from my mouth like the liquid tequila they were made possible by, without a thought of the implications. Kerry looked like he had been punched in the stomach. I wanted to crawl into a ditch somewhere and hide with my embarrassment when his hands fell to his sides leaving me cold.

“I’ll go home,” I said softly humiliated by my admission.

Kerry grabbed my hand and stopped me from sidestepping him. “Gabby, I want you more than anything but you are married,” he said strongly more to himself than to me. “I’ve told you how I feel…I love you Gabby.”

I reached up and touched his cheek with the back of my hand. Yep, same feeling. Hard and firm. Soft and warm too. Rough from the scruff. It felt too damned good. “I understand. I act like I don’t have a care about my marriage but I’ve struggled with this for almost five out of the six years I’ve been married to him. I rushed foolishly into marriage even though I knew there was more to James that he wasn’t showing me. Kerry all I can tell you is that tonight I could only think about coming here. Being with you. Making love to you.” My words were pleading and husky. I wasn’t too ashamed to beg him I knew.

I could see in his face that his heart and other parts of his body won the war over his head. “Stop talking,” he commanded and pulled me roughly against him.

His lips so familiar and good were soft against mine. This kiss exactly as I remembered from seventeen years ago set me ablaze and I melted into his arms. This kiss was laced with more. More heat. More passion. More desire. What felt like hot fire rushed through me as passion burned between us just like when we were two dumbass kids in love with each other.