Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

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Kat’s high school chorus performed A Christmas Carol the week that school was to be let out for the holidays. Opening night was on Wednesday night December twentieth and James, Littie, Virgil and I sat in the school’s auditorium waiting for the performance to begin. We outwardly appeared to anyone looking at us to be a happy couple sitting in the audience together waiting for the curtain to rise.

For days I had tried to convince James that he didn’t have to attend. He insisted that he had to be there for Kat and me. In six years I could count on one hand the number of times James had attended one of Keegan’s school events. Why tonight? I thought that he had to be sensing that I was distancing myself from him. Did he know what was going through my mind?

James was looking through the program. “She could have used her given name and not Kat,” he said disgustedly while perusing the cast names. He hated her nickname.

“Her friends know her as Kat,” I replied uncomfortably.

His free arm was draped casually on the back of my chair while his fingers grazed my shoulder causing me to squirm in my seat. James glanced at me from time to time but considered my behavior anxiety about Kat’s upcoming performance. Never once, did he consider that I didn’t want him to touch me.

“She’ll do fine,” he whispered in my ear leaning closer to me. To add encouragement to his words he squeezed my shoulder reassuringly.

“I know she will,” I answered wishing he would remove his hand. His touch making my skin crawl. I was trying to not make a scene or I would have removed his arm from around my shoulders.

James had been coming home from work early. He was being particularly attentive. His words were tempered by patience. He was not himself and I was waiting for the volcano to erupt. I had not advised him that I wanted out of our marriage for this reason. I had lost my courage. The longer he continued this charade the harder it was for me to break the chain he used to hold me to his side. I had to tell him soon. There were nights lying in bed with him that I wanted to scream out the words, “I don’t want to be married to you anymore. I want a divorce.” They never came. Silently I lay in bed and said them only to myself as the image of Kerry telling me goodbye faded with every passing day.

In the morning, I would still hang out in our room trying to find the courage to tell him. He and Kat went to school and work without breakfast but nobody said anything. Nobody noticed. Now, I was sitting next to him wishing for the world that I had told him already. The tension was growing inside me until I thought that I would explode. I was nervous and unable to sleep most nights even though my body was physically exhausted. I was taking naps most afternoons.

The lights went off in the auditorium. Tonight Kat would take on the role of Ebenezer Scrooge. The role was a different one for her but something she was more than happy to have won. She was the first girl to get the part. From her first, “Bah Humbug,” she had the audience entranced.

She played the role of the crotchety old man who has stopped believing in the wonder of Christmas to perfection. When she came out for her curtain call she received a standing ovation. Leave it to Kat to do the opposite of what anyone might expect I thought proudly as I stood with the audience clapping until my hands hurt.

After the play we were walking towards the exit with the crowd. Littie and Virgil were behind us. Being pushed along with the flow of other people, I glanced towards the exit, watching the crowd move forward and caught the eyes of Kerry McCoy. Kat had not told me that her father was coming to the performance tonight. My heart skipped several beats as our love making flashed through my mind’s eye. Our final goodbye. His soft lips against mine. A promise of a future together.

James’s hand rested at the small of my back as he guided me possessively. I wanted to pull out of his reach, as I had wanted to the entire evening but more so now that Kerry was examining my actions with James by my side. I didn’t want Kerry to see James touching me so intimately. My words to Kerry that I would be leaving James resounded through my head and yet here I was still seemingly married to him taking in my daughter’s school production. I had been home for ten days and had said nothing.

Zilcho.

Nada.

Nothing.

Dammit.

Fuck.

Oh Hell no!

It felt odd as we passed by him and I felt his eyes boring into my back but I could not acknowledge him. Wanting to turn around and look at him I knew that I couldn’t. He had to know that I had not changed my mind. I willed him to know. Nothing had changed. I still wanted only him. There was nothing to do but walk by James’s side as if nothing were amiss.

We went to dinner with Littie and Virgil at Sissy’s in Eden. Keegan was going out with some friends from school. The main street was lit with the Christmas lights strung in the trees that lined the streets. It was beautiful sitting by the window. I found myself distracted staring out into the dark of night wondering what Kerry had been thinking when we passed him. His eyes had been hard and unreadable. Several times Littie or James had asked me what was wrong.

“Just tired,” I had explained.

Later that night when Kat returned from hanging out with her friends I heard her feet as she bounded up the stairs. Climbing out of my bed, I went to Kat’s room where she was already in her adjoining bathroom washing her face.

“Keegan,” I began.

“Uh-oh, what did I do? You never call me Keegan using that tone of voice unless something’s wrong.” She splashed water from the one of the double bowls in the sink onto her face.

“You could have told me that you had invited your father to your play,” I said accusingly.

“I’m sorry.” She continued to splash water onto her face not meeting my eyes in the mirror as I stood behind her. “I’m having dinner with him this weekend. He’s staying until after the Christmas holiday.”

“Oh and when were you going to tell me that particular piece of news?” I asked angrily.

“I just did Mom,” Kat replied finally meeting my gaze. “Why haven’t you told James you want a divorce?” She asked pointedly. “Or did you sleep with my dad just for the sex? I thought you were still in love with him. I guess I was wrong.”