Hold on to Hope

Aunt Nikki giggled against the rim of her wine glass. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have left all those Lauren Rowe books lying around when he was learning to read.”

“Bite your tongue, woman. Those are my most prized possessions.”

From behind, I could feel Jack paying too close attention, trying to pick up on what was going on, the more than inappropriate innuendo being tossed around like it could possibly be funny.

Oh, my daddy sure didn’t think it was.

He scowled like I was thirteen and he’d barged through my closed door thinking he was goin’ to find Evan and me up to something salacious where we were lying in my bed, while Uncle Kale watched me with worry, waiting for the second that I fell apart.

Jack’s fingers were suddenly playing in my ponytail.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Could this get any worse?

Jack leaned over my shoulder. “How about you and I go for a walk?”

I didn’t even have to be watching Evan to know that he flinched. There was nothing I could do but experience his turmoil.

To experience his pain.

A prisoner to the exact same thing.

Empathy shouted through our connection. This feeling that I understood it in every way and wanted to reject it just the same.

Didn’t he know I’d never wanted it this way? That I would have given anything for him to stay? I wanted to hop up and scream and demand for him to tell me how he could have chosen to be so unfair and cruel when he’d always been the one I could count on most.

Suddenly feeling like it all weighed too much, I faked a yawn and an exaggerated stretch. “I’m actually gettin’ a little tired. I’m going to call it a night. You ready, Carly?”

I gave her a look that she’d better be even if she wasn’t. I needed back up. A voice of reason when I felt like I was losing my mind.

She drained her cocktail. “I am now.”

“Uh, what? I don’t think so,” Josiah slurred. “This party is just getting started, my bitches. Get your asses off the lame train and sit down. It’s shot time.”

Carly pushed to standing. “Not happening. We are nothing like your gamer friends who will stay up all night listening to your nonsense.”

He smacked his hand against his chest. “You wound me.”

“Someone needs to wound you,” she tossed back before she was stretching out a hand to help me up.

Awkwardly, I looked around, trying not to stare too long at Evan, failing at it miserably because my heart was getting all knotted up again when I looked at him.

My thoughts running rampant with what it might have been like. If we were still together and we were here as one. If we would have come clean to our families about who we really were to each other and who we wanted to be.

If Evan would have endured.

If he would have held on.

If he would have loved me enough.

“Night, everyone,” I said over the scratchiness in my throat.

I started to take my first step toward the tent when Jack grabbed me by the wrist, whirling me around to look at him where he remained sitting. His face was twisted up in his own hurt.

A plea.

I never should have brought him here.

God. This was terrible.

So wrong.

Jack didn’t deserve to get embroiled in our mess.

“Good night,” I murmured to him, hoping he heard my apology.

Because I was no cheater, and I knew what Jack was thinking. Sorrow gripped me by the throat because that was the last thing I wanted to do—hurt someone I cared about.

Hell, I didn’t want to hurt a soul.

But sometimes life was complicated and messy and there were casualties, no matter how hard we tried to keep it from happening.

Jack gave my hand a little tug.

An appeal.

I dipped down and kissed his temple.

It wasn’t an affirmation of us.

It was an apology.

Then it was Carly who was tugging at my hand. “Come on, I need to pee. You need to hold the flashlight because there is no way I’m going out in those woods by myself. There might be bears or snakes or spiders out there. Or maybe there might be a Josiah. That would be a real horror story.”

“Hey, I heard that,” he cried, and everyone laughed, all except for me and Evan who I could still feel watching me.

The overpowering force of the boy hunting me down as I twisted out of Jack’s hold. I didn’t look back as I followed Carly over to our things set up by our tent. She grabbed a flashlight, and we waded out into the spindly forest that had become nothing but howling trees and the tranquil sounds of the night.

Once we got out of earshot, Carly spun around. Before she could say anything, the words tumbled out, “I told you I shouldn’t come. I knew this was going to be a disaster.”