Hold on to Hope

Apprehension blazing, I glanced down at where Everett was still lying at my side, sucking on the satin trim of the blankie, pointing at all those stars like he was as interested in them as the way I’d been.

I snuggled him closer. I should have put him down in his crib two hours ago, but I was having a hard time letting him get too far away.

He didn’t seem to mind.

My own personal night owl.

Softly, I murmured the names of the constellations he was staring at, pointing at each one. Figured it was a good enough distraction.

Orion and Aquila and Ursa Major.

Pegasus.

“See that one,” I murmured, pointing to the constellation that had always been ours. “I always liked to believe that one is about chasing your dreams. About allowing yourself to be free and believe. About being brave and tapping into the magical things you have inside of yourself. That one reminds me of Frankie Leigh.”

His head popped up in acute interest. “Fi-Fi?”

A light chuckle rumbled out, and I smoothed my hand over the top of his head. “You like Fi-Fi?”

He got to his knees, nodding one of his nods and getting in my face. “Ehvie, Fi-Fi? Go?” He pointed at my door.

I laughed.

“Yeah, buddy, I want her, too. But we can’t go right now. It’s nigh-night time.”

Everett leaned up higher on his knees, patting my chest, getting up close to my face with that grin that twisted me in two. His little lips moved erratically, his spirit speaking to me even though I wasn’t sure exactly what he said.

Nothing except for, “Da.”

Then he slobbered a kiss against my chin.

God.

I never thought I could feel like this.

So goddamn in love and terrified at the same time.

All of this bullshit dangling in the periphery.

Danger on the fringes.

If things around here weren’t stressful enough, those fucking results still lingered out in no-man’s land.

A threat of punishment and penalty.

A judgment coming.

Had I passed on this curse or not?

It was brutal.

Worry coming at us on all sides.

But somehow, this room? It felt safe. Right. Like nothing could tear me from this child.

I pressed my lips to his temple, breathing in all the sweet. “I love you, too, Chunky Monk.”

Finally, he snuggled on the bed beside me with the old stuffed animal of mine I’d given him.

Crazy thing? I was already having a hard time remembering what my life had been like without him in it. But I had to remember that he’d been ripped from the normalcy of his.

Was still fucking worried that this poor kid didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Knew at times he had to feel scared and abandoned and missing something important in his life.

A hole cut out of him in the shape of his mother.

Ashley.

He cried for her sometimes and that was about the roughest thing I’d experienced. Not being able to explain to my son why she wasn’t here.

Couldn’t come to terms with the way I felt about her. Pissed as all hell that she’d kept me in the dark, that she hadn’t had the decency to tell me, and distraught for her at the same time.

No. We’d been no love match.

But she’d been cool.

A friend. If I really thought about it, she had probably been more into me than I was into her.

But the truth was, I really didn’t know her all that well.

Didn’t know her history or her hopes or spent enough time with her to even get the inclination that she could topple into depression.

Her brother’s face streaked through my mind. That feeling I’d gotten.

Just . . . something about it didn’t sit right.

And those two notes . . . the word left on my car and the porch.

My heart palpitated in fear. Knot filling up my throat.

I wrapped my arms around Everett and whispered at his head, “I’m going to take care of you. No matter what.”

A flash of light in my periphery caught my attention, and I jerked to look at the window.

Ready to fucking go to war.

That was until I saw the throbbing rhythm. The same secret code Frankie and I had made when we were kids.

Our own private, flickering SOS.

I need you.

My pulse stuttered into a sprint.

Frankie and I had climbed up and down the trellis outside my window what had to have been a thousand times. Had no idea why she’d chosen to come this way rather than text and show at the front door. Wasn’t like we were kids who needed to sneak around any longer. Guess what surprised me most was that she was actually there.

That she’d come at all.

“Dis?” Everett poked his head back up, his attention piqued. That little finger was pointing excitedly at the window.

I understood the reaction.

“Looks like our Frankie came to see us.”

His green eyes went wide with approval. “Fi-Fi?”

He babbled something, still pointing away, while my chest grew tighter and tighter as she continued to flash the light at the window, the way she’d always gotten my attention as a child.