Hold on to Hope

I was giving the walk of shame a whole new name.

“So, I took a shower last night before I went to sleep.” I hiked my shoulder in what I hoped looked like indifference.

Totally casual.

Zero guilt.

While this smidgen of worry and a whole ton of bliss were vying for dominance.

Both roared through my veins. Inciting a feeling I knew there would be no escaping.

Hell, there’d never be any escaping that boy. I’d been his since the moment I’d met him. I’d been a fool trying to pretend like it wasn’t the truth.

“Uh, yeah. Question is, just where did you take this shower? Now haul your skinny ass over here and dish the dirty deets.” She pointed at the spot beside her.

My lips pursed.

She reached out and grabbed a wine glass from the table, pointing at me around it. “Don’t even try it to deny it.”

Blowing out a sigh, I shuffled over and flopped onto the couch with a big groan. “What have I done?”

“Evan, I’m thinkin’.”

I smacked her thigh. “Not funny.”

She giggled into the rim of her glass. “It’s hysterical, actually.”

I glared up at her. “Don’t make fun of the craziness that is my life. Maybe pay a little attention to yours. You are the one who is drinking at six in the mornin’.”

“Well, when my ass has been up since one when you went sneaking out the door, I’m not sure what else you expected me to do.”

“Sleep?”

She released a giddy laugh. “Sleep when I’m this excited? I do not think so, my friend. Might as well be a kid getting ready to go on a trip to Disneyland in the morning. I bet Josiah my next month’s rent that you and Evan would hook up by the end of the week. This girl here is going on a shopping spree. Score!”

She lifted her glass like she was offering herself a congratulatory cheer.

“You are sick, you know that? And I hate to break it to you, but we did not hook up. I just went over there to talk to him.”

My mind flashed through a sequence of images.

Jarring and whipping and stirring.

The desperate kisses. The gripping and clutching. His mouth and his hands and the boy who blurred all the lines.

Heat rushed over my body.

Whatever had gone down last night? When it came to Evan, I refused to recognize it as that term because there was nothing that we ever shared that could be considered hooking up.

That was sheer and utter defamation.

“You didn’t hook up?” She gestured to my knees that I didn’t even realize were rubbed raw and bright red. “Let me guess, you just tripped and fell and ended up with his dick in your mouth?”

My mouth flapped open.

“Just like that.” She grinned.

“It wasn’t anything like that,” I defended.

It was beautiful and wonderful and completely terrifying.

Because I was pretty sure if this boy left me again, I wouldn’t survive it this time.

In too deep.

That baby’s face flashed through my mind, pulsed through my spirit, and seated itself firmly in my heart.

I groaned with the impact of it, burying my face in my hands. “God . . . I really did go over there just to talk to him. Warn him about Jack goin’ off the rails. Hash out a little bit about what had happened Saturday night. Set some boundaries.”

I’d come to the resolution that I had to tell him we needed to wait.

That he had to give me time like I’d asked for.

Become friends again and see if we could mend the wounds enough so we could start thinkin’ about maybe going back the direction we’d been heading three years ago.

Before destruction had swooped in and annihilated the joy.

That maybe, just maybe we could lean on each other enough, trust in each other enough, that I could tell him what had happened.

Confide the truth.

Pray it wouldn’t rip him apart the way it’d done me.

“Then he went to looking at me the way he does and those boundaries went poof.” I lifted my hand in the air in a little exploding plume. “I truly have no control when it comes to him.”

Carly fanned herself. “I understand why you lose your mind when you’re around him. Seriously, I don’t know what happened, but that man became downright lickable. Like, ridiculous. He was always cute and all . . . but holy hot damn. And when he’s wearing those glasses? He’s like the male version of a hot librarian.”

I sat forward and leaned my arms on my knees, talking to the floor. “He was always beautiful to me.”

Even when he was my nerdy little froggy boy with his big glasses and wide eyes.

Shifting around to face me, Carly crisscrossed her legs. Could feel the mood grow serious. She touched my shoulder. “Hey . . . I’m teasing you. I stayed up waiting for you to get home because I was actually worried about you. I know this can’t be easy.”