More of You (Confessions of the Heart 1)

I’ll be waiting at our roses. Let’s dream again.

Jace

I buckled in two at the words, bent over on the bed as I wept.

I imagined him there, in that garden, waiting for me. How long had he stayed? Waiting and wondering and worrying?

I hadn’t come.

Because I was already married to Joseph.

Oh, the hate and horror that burned through my spirit. The ugliest feeling I’d ever endured.

How could he?

How could he?

I could hardly bear the thought of continuing, but there were two more letters at the bottom.

These were different. They weren’t from the correctional facility. Neither had a stamp or a postmark.

The one on top was printed with my name across the front in Joseph’s same handwriting.

Part of me wanted to rip it to shreds. End it. His voice and his malice and his greed.

Rocked with the greatest sort of sorrow, so deep I could feel it vibrating through my marrow, I forced myself to continue. The tears were so heavy, I could barely see through them as I unfolded the small stack of papers and began to read . . .

Faith,

I know by the time you find this . . . by the time you read this . . . I’ll be gone. Wish I would have had the guts to tell you the things in this letter earlier, but I’ve always been a coward. Always have been a liar. Always have been nothing but a goddamned thief.

I know you hate me. I deserve it. I deserve everything that is coming to me, and I can feel it coming fast.

I need you to know that I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I do need you to know that I am sorry.

I’m a prideful man, but all that has caught up to me. I have nothing left to hide. Nowhere left to run.

I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

The first time I saw you, I wanted you. I wanted you so badly that I did whatever it took to have you.

But I should have known you would never truly belong to me. How could you when you’d always belonged to him? But I thought that, if we just had the chance . . . one chance, you’d see we were meant to be together. I was a fool. A callous, clueless, selfish fool.

I tried not to be. Tried a million times to man up and leave. Let you go back to the one you cried for at night. I knew. Fuck, of course, I knew. But I stayed, and I stole, and I cheated, thinking someday, someday you would love me the same.

I was never worthy of that love. Not for one day. I’m sorry for the pain I caused, but I can’t say I regret it, living one day with you. I never said I wasn’t a selfish bastard.

I stole you away from the one man you truly loved. The one man who truly loved you.

Because he did, Faith. He was willing to do anything for your happiness, while I continued to steal it away. While I continued to watch him suffer.

Jace sacrificed for us all. All the years growing up—he went hungry so we could eat. He took punches so we could sleep. He took the fall when he wasn’t to blame.

He went to jail because I wanted you, and then he continued to sacrifice, thinking it was making you happy, and still, he looked out for me until the day I finally drove him away.

I can make no amends, but I’m leaving you with this—he loved you. He gave up everything so you could live your dream. I know better now. Know I was wrong. I’m not ignorant enough to think I won’t rot for eternity for what I’ve done. But I won’t leave this world without you knowing.

When I was younger, I was convinced that I could be the one to give you that dream. What I didn’t know then, what took me years to admit, was that your dream was only half of one. He was the other half, he always had been.

I wish I could tell him how sorry I am to his face. I should have held him on a pedestal for all he did, and instead, I knocked him to his knees.

The only thing I can do now is give him back what belonged to him all along.

I loved you, Faith, but it wasn’t the right kind. Now go, live in his love. Don’t be afraid. Wherever he is, find him. Fight for him. I’ll no longer stand in the way. Love him freely, Faith, without regret. Without question. Let him love you back. Don’t let him walk away thinking he is less than he is.

Joseph

Shattered, gutting cries tore from my mouth, my chest heaving as I read his words.