Cowboy Up (Lucas Brothers)

That makes him laugh harder. Then he sobers up. “I’ll try, but Jansen, I don’t know how I will go on if I’ve lost Meadow forever.”

I clap him on the back and reply with the harshest news I’ve had to give him—yet it’s the complete truth. “You’ll go on because you don’t have a choice. You have babies depending on you.”

Blue nods. “I do. Thanks, Dad.”

“Anytime, son,” I answer, feeling tears of my own. I don’t shed them, but I’m sure Blue can see them shimmering in my eyes. “Now, before you clean up and get dressed, I only have one question.”

“What’s that?”

“What the hell happened to your eye?”

“I got in a fight with a whiskey bottle,” he responds. “In case you couldn’t tell, I lost.”

“Oh, I noticed. Now go make yourself presentable and make me proud.”

Chapter 45

Meadow

I’ve heard people talk all my life about how they just go through the motions. I don’t think I ever knew what that meant. Not until now. When Blue and I broke up before, I was young and I loved him, but I knew I had a whole life to live. It hurt like hell, but I forced myself to let him go. I opened my heart to Clark. I may have never truly loved him like I should, but I would have been a good wife if given the chance. Now, losing Blue feels like a piece of me has been ripped away. I’m going through the day feeling dead inside.

I ache to see him….

The door opens and I push my thoughts away. It’s over. Blue’s accepted it. I haven’t seen him. Things are what they are. I must concentrate on Adam and this baby I’m carrying. I can’t pretend Adam isn’t hurting, too. He needs me.

I look up to find Jansen standing at the door. Somehow, I didn’t expect him. If anything, I thought Ida Sue would be the one to show up.

“Come to adopt a pet, Jansen?” I ask, my voice sounding fake and overly bright even to my own ears.

“No, that’s not why I’m here, Meadow, darlin’,” he says, taking his hat off his head and walking towards me.

He holds his Stetson carelessly in one hand and I smile. He reminds me so much of Blue. Blue may not wear the hat, but the faded jean jacket, the long-sleeved chambray shirt, the well-worn jeans, and the broken-in, dusty boots are mostly identical to what Blue wears day in and day out. This means seeing Jansen today is painful, so I let down all pretense and just come out with it.

“Jansen, I love you. In a lot of ways, you’ve been my only father, but if you’re here to talk about Blue, I really don’t have time. Quite honestly, I don’t even want to hear it.”

“Believe it or not darlin’, I’m not planning on talking about you and Blue. First, I wanted to check on you. I’m here for you. If you don’t want to talk about Blue, then don’t. If you need to, I’m here.”

That’s almost enough to make me let go of the control I have on my tears, but not quite. I shake my head. “I love you, Jansen, but really, I don’t have a lot to say.”

He nods, making me wonder if avoiding the topic of Blue is going to be that easy. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m doing okay. I’m trying to listen to what the doctor says. I’ve asked the county for part-time help. Mom and I have been trying to decide what would happen if I gave up my position here.”

“That means you’d have to move, right?”

“Yeah, that’s asking a lot of Mom. This has been her home since I was little.”

“If I can help in any way, you know I’m here for you, right, sweetheart?”

“I do, Jansen and I love you for that—for a lot of things.”

This time I don’t have to force my smile. I really do love him. He taught me how to ride a bike, he took me fishing and trained me on how to cinch my own saddle and ride. He even gave me my first pet. A white and black barn cat named Alice. Cyan named her. I always thought it was a weird name. I was too young to realize he did it because he had a major thing for a girl he went to elementary school with.

“How’s Adam doing? Lovey and I miss the little guy.”

I let out a breath. “He’s not great. He’s mostly alternating between being sad and mad as heck at me. He doesn’t understand.” I let out a sad sound that is supposed to be a laugh—but doesn’t quite make it. “I’m not sure how to help him, because I don’t understand myself.”

“Life is complicated, sweetheart—especially when you’re haunted by the past. I know all about that.”