Hook Shot (Hoops 3)

“Yeah.” She shifts the gym bag on her shoulder. “Grandma double-checked the list they gave us to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything.”

“Good. I’ll call you from the road. Our first game is Toronto and then Chicago and then San Antonio and then the Lakers. I’ll be back Saturday.”

When I look down at my daughter, a wave of gratitude overwhelms me. The “what ifs” have tortured me ever since the night we found her unconscious on my bed. My nightmares are made from dark alternate endings, and I’ve jerked awake more than once to rush down the hall and make sure she is real, not some grief-induced hallucination.

She’s beautiful and growing up fast. She’ll be fifteen soon, and won’t be thinking about her old man anymore. I’ve missed so much. Basketball has given me a lot, but it’s taken its money’s worth.

“I love you more than everything, Moni.” I kiss her forehead and press her head to my chest. “You know that, right?”

She glances up at me, her brows crinkling over her pretty blue eyes, and then nods.

“What?” I frown down at her. “What is it?”

“What happened to Lotus?”

I wish Dr. Packer were here right now. I’m not sure how to handle this. Simone knows I’m not seeing Lotus anymore, and I haven’t talked about her at all, so I’m not sure what prompted the question.

“Uh, she still lives in New York. Why do you ask, baby?”

“You seemed, I don’t know.” Simone shrugs her narrow shoulders. “You seemed happier when she was around.”

Damn, I miss her.

Isolation hits me with crushing force. My life is so much brighter with Lotus in it. I don’t speak. I’m still formulating the best answer—one that won’t unravel all that we’ve worked so hard to put together.

“It’s okay if you love her, too,” Simone says quietly.

I pull back and peer down into her face. Her eyes, when they meet mine, are sober. They’ve seen too much, know too much already.

“It is?” I ask tentatively.

“I want you to be happy.” She swallows, and looks down at the ground. “I want Mommy to be happy, too, but I know you don’t make each other happy anymore.”

“But we’ll always love you,” I say, cupping her face, “and always put you first, okay?”

She nods and offers a small smile. She’s a good kid. In spite of all the shit she’s been through. She’s the only good thing to come out of my marriage.

“Simone,” a tall, elegant woman calls. I remember meeting her at one of Moni’s recitals. “The other girls are all inside. Say goodbye and join us, please.”

“Coming, Madam Petrov,” Simone replies before turning back to me. “Gotta go.”

“Okay. Love you, Moni.” I swipe my hand down her face, our familiar expression of love. She smiles, looks happy. God, let it be real. Knowing your child is hurting in a way you can’t make stop or make better is the most helpless feeling in the world. You watch for any distress signal, strain to catch each sign of progress or hint of joy, with your breath held. With bated hope.

“Love you, Daddy.”

We’re gonna be okay.

It’s a refrain playing on repeat in my head as I drive back to San Diego. I loved talking with Simone on the way up, hearing about how well things are going at school and with dance. Giving her space to tell me how the meds make her feel better. Allowing her to tell me about the days when they don’t. Every word she shared, even those that were hard to hear, reassured me, because she’s sharing it. She’s not hiding it or keeping it to herself. She’s so much like me in a lot of ways, naturally burying her emotions and hoarding her thoughts.

But as much as I enjoyed our talk driving up to Laguna Beach, I revel in the silence on my drive home. It’s hard to describe to someone who doesn’t need it how refreshing being alone can be—not lonely at all, but alone. On this scenic stretch of highway, I have the breathtaking view of the ocean all to myself. The moon glimmers off dark blue water as I negotiate the twists of the Pacific Coast Highway. I put on my favorite song: “It Never Entered My Mind.” The opening strains of piano blend seamlessly, flawlessly with Davis’s trumpet. He sandpapered every note until it was smooth, dulcet tonal perfection.

Even as I relish my solitude, Lotus won’t leave me alone.

“What’s your favorite song to listen to when you want to unwind?”

“‘It Never Entered My Mind.’”

“Well, let it enter your mind.”