Queen Move

They all laugh along as my mother, Kayla, and her husband Lawrence walk up and take their seats at the table. Carla scoots over so Mama can sit beside me.

“It’s a great night for the Allen family,” Mama says. “What is it your father always said? Big moves make big waves. Do big things. Make big waves.”

She looks at me and then to Keith, who sits with his arm draped over the back of Delaney’s chair. “He would be proud of you.”

She shifts her eyes to Kayla. “Proud of you all. Not just for tonight, but for how you’re living your lives, serving others. That is the Allen legacy.”

The emotion etched into Keith’s and Kayla’s faces pricks my heart. I blink back tears. I’ve found myself close to crying more over the last year and a half than I have my entire life. Probably all the hormones I’ve had to inject into this body, but I hope it’s not a permanent state of affairs.

“It is a great night for the Allens,” Keith says, his grin growing even wider. “Not only am I going to be a congressman, I’m going to be a father again. Delaney’s pregnant with our third.”

Everyone at the table claps and exclaims and pats my brother on the back. Joy and jealousy wrangle in me. I lift one and squash the other, offering my brother and Delaney a genuine smile.

“I’m gonna be an auntie again, huh? That’s incredible. I’m so excited for you guys.”

“Laney says if I think being a congressman means I don’t have to change diapers,” Keith says, leaning over to kiss his wife’s cheek, “I can think again.”

We all laugh, but my smile is starting to hurt. At the fertility clinic, I have a freezer full of eggs and no guarantees. Now that the campaign is over, I need to figure out what I want to do with them.

“You look so pretty tonight,” Mama leans over to tell me as everyone at the table returns to their dinners and conversations.

“Thank you, Mama.”

Lorette styled my hair into an elaborate diadem of curls. Lotus created my cayenne-colored off-the-shoulder gown specifically for this occasion. Its mermaid design sighs around my curves, curves I’ve had to work hard to keep in check the last year and a half as my weight fluctuated, the hot flashes flared and the mood swings swung, all while managing the nation’s most hotly-contested gubernatorial campaign.

A year and a half.

My entire adult life has been measured in runs, in races. Mayors. Governors. Senators. President. I’ve never regretted the personal sacrifices I made for each campaign. I saw it as a call to service, putting people in positions to make a difference.

Tikkum Olam.

Repair the world.

Ezra went about it his way, and I’ve gone about it mine.

Ezra.

Heat coats the inside of my throat and the plate in front of me blurs on the table through a sudden film of tears. A sense of purpose has driven me every step in every race, and it’s always been enough. More than enough. It’s been fulfilling. For the first time, as happy as I am to have done my part, this victory feels hollow somehow.

“Tell me something,” Mama says, her voice pitched low enough for only me to hear.

I turn my head to stare into her wise, dark eyes.

“All you did to make these other folks happy,” Mama asks. “When is it Kimba’s turn?”

I glance around the room. Mateo and his wife stand in a receiving line, accepting everyone’s congratulations. Kayla and Lawrence eat from each other’s plates, checking their phones every few minutes for messages from the sitter. Keith and Delaney laugh and talk softly, basking in the glow of his victory and their baby news.

For the last eighteen months, this night has glowed at the end of the tunnel, a beacon that kept me on task and focused. This night was my reward. He was my reward.

“You’re so much like your daddy,” Mama huffs, but softens it with a smile. “Needed everything to be done his way. Had his lists and goals and it needed to go the way he planned it. Let me tell you what I told him. Life don’t care about your plans. Life will make a mess of your plans, honey.”

Mama squeezes my hand. “Haven’t you waited long enough? Hasn’t he? Are you ready to clean up that mess yet?”

I’ve spent my whole adult life cleaning up other people’s messes. For the greater good, yes, but I’ve become adept at covering naked asses, spinning bad decisions and making indiscretions go away. I’ve never met a mess I couldn’t handle…until Ezra Stern. It’s easier to deal with someone else’s mess than it is to clean your own. Hand me someone’s problem? I can fix it. But when Aiko got pregnant with Ezra’s baby, that was not just their future on the line. It was mine. My happiness in the balance. My heart on my sleeve. I glance at Mama, but she’s not looking at me. She’s caressing that tiny ice chip diamond Daddy gave her more than forty years ago, so small you can barely see it from a distance. She’s lost the love of her life.

Will I lose mine?

“I have to go.” I stand and spread my farewell around the table. “I’ll see you…when I see you. I got shit to do.”