He nodded. “That’s why when we first took Nonno out, you said you fell into the job.”
“Yeah. That’s what it felt like, as if I’d stumbled upon it accidentally. But it’s been one of the best things for me.” Stroking his cheek, I added, “You have been, too, Troy. I’m sorry I haven’t opened up to you more. It hadn’t felt right until now.”
He placed his hand over mine. “I’m glad you did. I never wanted to push you because I figured it was difficult to talk about.”
“The ironic thing is, only in my sister’s death did I find my true purpose, which is to take care of Kiki, to be a role model for her. That’s not the way things should’ve been, of course. But it’s the way things are. I became a better person after losing my sister. I was forced to grow up.”
“I’m sure she’s proud of you. I know I am.” Troy looked down at the floor for a while.
Eventually I moved the subject back to us. “I feel like we’ve reached a crossroads, Troy. I’ve realized I want so much more than a casual relationship with you. But I don’t want to get further attached unless you’re a hundred-percent sure you want to continue building something. We have so much fun together. It’s seemed effortless until now, but a relationship with me won’t always be easy. I need you to take time while you’re away to think about whether you see a future with me here in Meadowbrook. Really think it through before making any promises, okay?”
Troy placed his head on my lap and just lay there for a while. I could feel his hot breath on my stomach.
When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy and held an intensity I’d never seen before. “How I feel about you is not in question,” he said. “The only thing in doubt is whether I can be the man you need. And I do think I need to take a step back and think about that.”
My stomach sank. For some reason, I hadn’t expected him to go along with my request so easily. I’d spoken out of fear tonight, and to hear that he agreed with me and felt like taking a step back was a good idea made me freak out a little.
“I never want you to look at me with hate or distrust again,” he said. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen, even if it means letting you go.”
Again, his choice of words alarmed me. Where was this coming from? But I’d asked him to scrutinize our relationship. Yet another example of how I tended to sabotage things.
He wrapped his arms around my waist. “I promise to use my time away to think about everything you’ve said. As much as I don’t want to leave Meadowbrook yet, I think it will be good to put some distance between us while we think about what’s best. Things got intense between us fast. And I agree that we’re at a point of no return—we’re both setting ourselves up to get hurt if we’re not on the same page. I need to be sure that what I want and what I can deliver are one and the same.” He pulled me into a tight hug. “You’ve changed me and made me want things I’ve never wanted before. But at the same time, I recognize what an incredible honor and responsibility it would be to own your heart. And I will not toy with it.”
Dread overtook me as I pulled away. “It’s late. I should get to bed. Will I see you again before you leave?”
“I would love that, if I can come by on a weeknight.”
I swallowed. “Of course.”
After he left, my stomach was in knots. I’d made myself clear to Troy, but I guess I’d wanted him to tell me I was nuts for thinking we might not work out. He hadn’t exactly done that.
• • •
The following day at work, I’d just finished a singalong when I decided to stop in at Ruby Blandford’s room. Ruby was eighty-seven and loved romance novels and Blue Moon beer. She was also a distant relative on my mother’s side, so she always referred to me as cousin or cuz. Whenever I felt down, I’d stop into Ruby’s room, which let more sun in than any of the other units at Horizons. Framed photos of her grandchildren covered the walls.
I helped her with her laundry for a few minutes, but she finally put down the item she’d been knitting. “Something on your mind, cuz?”
“Why do you say that?”
“You seem a little distracted. You just put your phone in my drawer along with the shirts you helped me fold.”
Jesus. I was dangerous when I was distracted. “I did? I’m sorry.” I opened the drawer and sure enough, my phone was sitting there on top of one of her blouses.