The Real Baxter (The Baxter Chronicles 1)

We stared at the twinkling city lights, silently sipping wine for a few minutes. It was odd in a way. I’d been bubbling over with angst, stuck in an emergency meeting at the studio where I’d donned my iciest, no BS cap, and had pretended not to be fazed by the sudden devastating shift in my day.

I could relax with Gray. He knew better than anyone that I was a mess. Well…I supposed Trent knew that too.

“I did it again,” I said, breaking the quiet.

“Oh? What’d you do?”

“The inspiration thing. Specifically, the one where I push a scenario along to use for future marketing purposes. Only this time, I forgot what I was selling.” I gave him a brief synopsis of my inspiration avalanche faux pas. “It was a great idea, but…”

“He wasn’t interested.”

“Worse. He thinks I used him. And I did.” I gulped my wine and set the glass aside. “If he’d been anyone else, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I would’ve been confused that someone who called himself an actor would have the gall to be offended by a job, money, credit, and screen time on a major blockbuster film. The crazy thing is…if I’d offered him that kind of deal when we first met, he would have jumped at it. Not now…”

“What changed?” Gray asked.

I didn’t answer right away. My throat felt dry and my eyes were itchy. I picked up my glass again to have something to do with my hands as I stared into the fire.

“Me…us. I don’t know. Somewhere along the line…probably very early on—it wasn’t business anymore. I told him it was, though. I lied about that.”

“You can be a real asshole, Seb.”

“I know. Want to know something? I didn’t think about Baxter at all when I was with him,” I admitted. “Not unless I was working.”

Gray cast a surprised sideways glance at me. “Really?”

I nodded. “And I told him things that no one…besides you…knows about me. Things about my parents, Charlie, you and me. I let him in a little more every day. He has a relationship with Oliver now. Trish loves him, Carlos bonds with him about sports, Mary knows his favorite breakfast foods…and nobody is looking at me like they’re wondering when I’m going to finally come to my senses.”

“Well, he’s nothing like Giorgio.”

“True. But I fucked him over anyway. My therapist will suggest that I put him in his place. Like maybe I needed to prove that I’m the benefactor of his success and that on some level, he owes me. Like I somehow won. So even if he leaves me…I’m still on top.”

“That’s fucked up,” he scoffed.

“I know.”

“I’m gonna tell you what I think happened.” Gray set his glass down and turned to face me. “I think you fell for him and it freaked you out.”

He was right, of course. I held his steady gaze for as long as I could.

“I’m not doing that,” I whispered. “I won’t fall in love again. I won’t.”

“Seb…”

“I can’t. You saw what I did to us. You lived it.” I shifted in my chair and gestured wildly at the glass house behind us. “I can’t believe you have the guts to get married. Fuck, Gray. It was so fucking painful.”

I pursed my lips when my voice shook. It was bad enough that I’d showed up on his doorstep at midnight. I didn’t need to add a breakdown to my list of crimes.

But Gray didn’t push me. He let the silence build like a healing balm. Then he reached out and set his hand over mine.

“It was beautiful too, you know,” he whispered.

A tear slid down my cheek. I sniffed noisily and swallowed around the grapefruit lodged in my throat. “So fucking beautiful. I loved you. I really loved you. I’m sorry I was so bad at…showing it.”

Gray squeezed my hand and sat forward. “Hey, don’t do that. We were young and we did what we had to do. Sometimes we got it right…like Charlie. And sometimes…we didn’t. Sometimes we got lost. We can blame it on the times, our inexperience, or hubris. But honey, I have no regrets. I would do it all over again. I love you, Sebastian. I always will.”

I swiped at my eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the waterworks. “I know, but—it’s different now. We’re wiser and smarter. We’re better as friends. I’m happy for you and Justin. I am, but…I admit, I battle with intense jealousy. It’s not that I want a redo. I don’t. I just want to know the secret. How do you start over? How do you know it won’t end up being a disaster?”

Gray shook his head. “You don’t know. You go with your gut and you take a leap. You show each other your scars and talk about your battles, and you build something new. And you try not to repeat past mistakes. But I think you should honor the past too. You should share the parts you love and the people you would lay down your life to protect.”