Like Dragonflies

“Why are you like this?” I toss my hand in the air. I can’t seem to pull in a full breath. I slow down my rapid breathing because I might pass out if I don’t calm down. I want to be able to look Mom in the face and tell her how wrong she is about Mars.

“Why can’t you just listen? I’m not whoever you think I am. I know you think I’m horrible and shallow and trying to fit in, but right now, I’m trying to literally save your life.” Her voice is raw and full of emotion. The pained look on her face sends a boulder into the pit of my stomach and it’s sinking rapidly.

Unease stretches over me, pulling at my resolve. I don’t understand what’s happening. This all seems too intense for her usual classist rhetoric. I fist my hands until my nails bite into my palm. Instead of focusing on the unease, I focus on the prickle of pain pushing through my skin.

“You’re not saving my life by trying to keep me from Mars. I love him.” The words come tumbling from my mouth, and I can’t pull them back. I don’t want to. I’m proud of how I feel about Mars.

“Love?” Mom chokes out the word and pinches the bridge of her nose. When she points her ice-blue stare at me, I see the stress of the moment taking its toll on her. Her usual smooth skin seems to age before my eyes. Skin crinkles around her eyes as she shakes her head vehemently.

“You can’t love him, Sage! I told you to stay away from him.”

“Why can’t I love him? What is so wrong with me finally being happy?” I wonder for a moment if Mom just doesn’t want me to be myself. I wonder if she wants me to be a robot, only moving when she says it’s okay.

The thought chokes me, forcing my lips to part so I can pull in a deep breath. I’m determined to live my own life the way I want to.

“You can’t be happy with him, and it’s not because he’s from Duncan or because he drives a piece of junk. It’s not even because I think he’s beneath you.” Her words hang in the air and it drives me insane. I need to know what the hell her issue with Mars is.

“Then what is it?” I dig my nails into the palms of my hands hard until I have to pause at the pain.

“He’s your brother!” she shouts at me, her face bright red and tears shimmering in her eyes.

I can’t breathe.

I can barely hear her over the roar in my ears.

No.

She’s lying.

I shake my head and take a step back from her. I can’t find the words to say, so silence settles in the jagged cracks left by the bomb she just dropped.

“You’re lying,” I stammer. My words are whispers because my throat is so thick and my chest is so tight. “You’re. Lying.” My voice is a little stronger even though it trembles.

She has to be lying. How could Mars be my brother? She’s trying to push me away from him by using whatever outlandish nonsense she can grasp at.

“Sage, you have to listen to me. I would not lie about something like this. You have to believe me, okay? Your life depends on it. Do you know what would happen to you if everyone found out what you’ve been doing with your own brother?”

“How?” I squeak out. “How is he my brother? Is Dad his father?” I ask, trying to put together pieces of this fucked up puzzle.

“No.” Mom swallows and folds her hands in her lap. She studies them like anything is better than looking at me and telling me the truth. “Mars’s father is Nathan McKinney. He was friends with my brother, who lived a few trailers down from him, and I was friends with Sunny. Nathan was overcome with grief when Sunny died and was battling depression, so I went over to comfort him. He was lonely and I was young. We ended up fooling around several times about a month after she died and…” Mom’s words stop abruptly when her phone dings in her purse. She fishes it out and steadies her emotions before looking at the screen.

“I have to go. Your father is waiting for me.”

“You can’t just leave after telling me something like that, Mom!” I’m frantic. I need to hear the rest of her story.

“We’ll talk when I get home later. I want him out of this house though. Hopefully now, you’ll stay away from him.” She grabs a few tissues from the bedside table and dabs at her perfectly lined eyes before looking in the mirror.

Just like that, her mask is back on and she’s able to walk out of the house like she didn’t just destroy my world. When I hear the front door close, I race back to my room where Mars is sitting on my bed, his head hung low.