A Death to Seek (Thornes & Roses 3)

“No,” I bite out. “I never hid who I am. With you, I was always me, you saw me for who I really was. When I left Tynewood, I needed to find out who Jarred was. And I found him with you.”

“And you didn’t think to ever tell me the truth?”

“I did, so many times.”

Finn scoffs. “Yeah, I’m sure you did. Was that before or after you fucked me?” He throws out the question, which makes me wince. I expected the backlash. I fucking deserve it. I hid a part of me from him even when I wanted all of him. I know he won’t believe anything I tell him now.

That’s the problem with hiding the truth, once you finally admit to it, nobody believes you. I’ve brought this on myself.

“Jarred,” Zaria says, stepping up beside me. “Maybe you should give him time. It’s difficult to find out someone has been holding back.”

I know she’s right. I’m sure that if I were to walk away now, give him a few hours and come back to it, he’d hear me out. He may be stubborn, but I know Finn better than I know myself. But I can’t bring myself to turn around and walk out of the room.

Not yet.

“Finn, I love you, I always have,” I plead, hoping he’ll see past the frustration, past the anger. Those dark eyes land on mine. I wish he would lash out, hit me, something. Perhaps the act of violence will calm him down once he’s gotten it out of his system.

But he does the complete opposite.

He stands silently watching me.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Zaria says, loud enough for him to hear. “But you both love each other. This road is littered with bumps, but you can get over it.”

“I’m over it,” Finn sneers angrily. His hands fist at his sides. I know he’s holding back the need to punch me, but I’d rather he just do it.

“Hit me.” The words are out of my mouth before I have time to think about them.

“No!” Zaria’s voice echoes in the room. She steps between us, her back to my front. As she faces Finn, I wonder if she’s silently pleading with him. I can’t see those golden eyes, but they’re latched on the man I love. “Finn, look at me.” Her voice is calm, and I wonder how this young woman can be the voice of reason between two volatile men.

“Get out of the way, Zaria,” I tell her, wanting her to move, so Finn can come at me. I won’t fight back. I’ll allow him the shots because I deserve them. But she flashes a glare over her shoulder at me.

When she looks at Finn, she says, “You’re angry, and that’s understandable. Nothing can ever make it okay. Jarred is wrong for not telling you everything, but also, you can’t hold something in his past against him.”

“I was with him for years, and he couldn’t once tell me the truth?” The pain that flickers in his eyes cracks my heart. My chest is tight, my lungs struggling to work. I’ve hurt one of the only people who ever gave me a chance.

I wanted a new life.

I craved it with every essence of my being.

When I got to Thorne Haven, all I wanted was to be anonymous, and I was for a long time, but then Finn sauntered into my life and all my carefully laid plans were shot to hell. I was going to stay in Thorne Haven for a couple of years and then come back to Tynewood and take my place in the Society, that was what I told myself over and over again.

But then, I fell in love with a man and I knew I couldn’t leave him. No matter how difficult our road had become, I wanted to ride it with him. And for a long time, I thought it would be okay. There was no way he’d ever know more about me.

“I held you at arm’s length,” I admit slowly. “I just didn’t want to lose you.” My confession has his hands fisting once more before he releases the tension. At first, I’m convinced he’s listening to me, that he’s seeing the fear that kept me from telling him everything.

But then he shakes his head. “That’s not the truth,” he says. “You didn’t tell me because you were far too happy playing house without facing your past.”

“And you found it easy to face yours?” I throw back in his face. He knows what I’m talking about. He hasn’t yet told Zaria about it, but he will have to. Finn is a broken man; he’s held onto his wounds for so long, they’ve become part of him. But there comes a time when we all need to heal, when we have to realize that the scars may remain, but the hurt needs to go away.