The War of Two Queens (Blood and Ash 4)

Oh, did I ever. “I don’t know how they couldn’t,” I admitted.

“They don’t if you don’t want them to,” he told me. “And if it does become something you need, then it does. Nothing that you’re not comfortable with would ever transpire. I wouldn’t allow it. Neither would Kieran. It’s as simple as that.”

Was it really? I twisted in his lap, looking at him straight on. “And if it did…become more? What would happen afterward? Between us?”

His head tilted as his eyes searched mine. “You love me, right?”

“Yes.”

“I love you,” he said, flattening his palm against my cheek. “And you love Kieran.”

I jolted, my stomach dipping. “I…” I didn’t know how to answer that.

“I love him,” Casteel said in the silence. “Though not in the same way. Not as I feel for you. Because what I feel for you…no one has ever owned that before. No one ever will.”

My throat dried. He didn’t have to tell me that. I already knew it. “Kieran…he means a lot to me.”

“You mean a lot to him.”

A burn filled my eyes for some silly reason as I stared at Casteel’s throat. “I don’t know how to explain what I feel. Because I don’t understand it.”

“I get it,” he said, and I really thought he did. “There’s more.”

I blinked away tears and peeked up at him. “There’s more to take into consideration. Really?”

He nodded. “We both have to be prepared that this may not be the only Joining. If Kieran were to find someone, he may want to join their life to yours. You’d have to go through the Joining again.”

“So he wouldn’t outlive them.” I exhaled slowly. “I wouldn’t want him to face that. I would do the Joining again if that was what he wanted.”

“No. You wouldn’t allow him to go through that.” Casteel dragged his hand through my hair, pressing his lips to my temple.

“And what do you think Kieran wants?” I asked. “Would he want to do this?”

Casteel stared at me for what felt like a full minute. “Honestly?”

“Of course.”

“Before you came into the picture, Kieran would’ve agreed simply because it would’ve been something I requested. Not because there was a bond, but because he would do anything for me. Just like I would do anything for him. But now? He would do it for you.”

I frowned. “But we’re doing it for him.”

“And for me in a roundabout way, but he’d do it if that’s what you wanted,” he insisted.

My stomach and chest fluttered as if a dozen birds were taking flight all at once. “And if we decide to do this, when would it happen?”

“Knowing you, you’ll probably want to do it as soon as possible.” He kissed my forehead. “But I think we should wait until after we go into the Blood Forest and return to Padonia—”

“But—”

“This is a big choice to make, Poppy. One that can’t be undone. You may not think you need the time to make sure, and maybe you don’t, but I still want you to have that time.”

“You don’t need that time, though. You know what you want.”

He brushed several strands of hair back from my face. “I do, but that’s because I grew up knowing what the Joining is and everything it entails. This is something new to you.”

I appreciated the thoughtfulness behind making sure that I didn’t change my mind. This was a big deal, and there was also the chance that if we did the Joining, it wouldn’t protect Kieran against the Primal curse. Even knowing that, the chance that it would was more important. The Joining could also protect Kieran and Casteel in the battles to come.

It also meant never having to say goodbye to either of them.

But it was also more than all that. It was also the knowledge that if Kieran ever had to honor the promise he’d made to me, and I misjudged what Casteel would do, he wouldn’t be able to truly harm Kieran. Both would remain safe if I were entombed.

Meeting Casteel’s gaze, I drew in a deep breath. “I will take the time, but I know my answer won’t change. I want to do the Joining.”

Chapter 38

Casteel

I sat quietly beside Poppy as she slept under the walnut tree, having fallen asleep mere moments after placing her cheek on my rolled cloak. I didn’t want to disturb her, but I also couldn’t stop myself from touching her. It was as if I were under some sort of compulsion. I’d readjusted the cloak draped over her half a dozen times. I’d toyed with her hair, smoothing the wispy strands that had fallen on her cheek, and then waited hopefully for the breeze to undo my work so I had a good reason for touching her again.

It was all ridiculous. Perhaps even a bit obsessive, but the contact was grounding, especially in the dark and quiet. My hand shook slightly as I pulled the cloak up to her shoulder. The contact stopped the looming and panicked fear that drove my mind back to that cell.